


The Writer Who Loved Me

by sassenachwriter



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-06-13 14:31:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 48,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15366711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassenachwriter/pseuds/sassenachwriter
Summary: Modern AU Outlander x Castle fanfiction: Jamie is a journalist and follows Dr. Claire Beauchamp around to write his article.





	1. The Car Accident

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever published fanfic! I hope you enjoy it! Thank you to WhiskyNotTea, the amazing beta for this story!

Jamie Fraser was very upset. In fact, he had been a lot the past weeks. Everything at work was going badly, his father had died less than a year ago and the wound was still raw. All the bad luck in the world seemed to be happening to him.

He was driving his car with opened windows even in the freezing March night to clear his head, loud heavy rock was playing, making the car shake with the bass.

He wanted to get away, far away from Glasgow. He needed a change, he needed to figure things out. Jamie was twenty seven and his life was not what he had expected it to be at this age. Everything was worst than the worst scenario he could have had imagined.

He always dreamed of working as a journalist when he was a child. That and writing books. His mother had taught his sister, brother and him the love for reading and while his sister became a librarian in the Highlands, he wanted the buzz of the city. Journalism reached all the qualities and interests he had: curiosity, keen interest in the world that surrounded him and mostly, his romantic spirit and ease with words.

James Fraser had expected a lot, working for The Scots Magazine, he had been waiting for the promotion sending him from writing about restaurant tendencies in Glasgow to the best spots in Scotland, writing about its people and the beautiful nature of the country. Unfortunately, he didn’t have that promotion, a certain St. Germain did.

It bothered him a lot. He kept swearing in his head. St-Germain wasn’t even scottish. Jamie had made his proofs. He had even won article of the month three times in the previous six months at the Scots, while St. Germain was a new writer just coming from working for a French newspaper. Jamie deserved this job, but it had been stole away from him.

It was raining hard, making his driving more difficult. Rain was pouring on him, entering by the opened windows, but Jamie didn’t care at all getting wet. He took the curve to enter the highway leading to Highlands when he realized he was stupid to do this. He had to get back to his flat and keep writing until he proved Colum Mackenzie, his uncle and editor in chief, that he deserved this job. He couldn’t let him win.

He went back in direction of Glasgow when suddenly he saw that there was a car -with no rear lights- in front of him. He breaked too late, turning his wheel on the right and ended up in the field next to the highway.

***

His nose was bleeding after hitting the wheel but his pupils weren’t dilated.

“Mister? Do you hear me?” I asked him.

I had been driving back to Glasgow when I saw his car jump out of the highway, not far in front of me. Nobody had stopped to see if he was alright. I had parked to the side, put my hasards on and got out by the passenger side. I hadn’t been able to open his door but the windows were opened. I saw that he was not conscient, but when I called him and touched his arm, he woke up suddenly.

“What’s going on?” He asked, turning his head, trying to see where he was.

“Do not move like that.”

“I’m alright.” He was finding his mind back and realized he was in his accidented car. He panicked and tried to get out of his seat, his leg blocked under the wheel. “I can’t get out..” he almost cried.

“It’s alright. I called for an ambulance. They are coming. Now you need to stay calm.” He seemed to notice me for the first time, his expression went from panick to calm and his body relaxed. “What’s your name?” I asked, checking for other injuries.

“James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser.” He sighted.

I smiled.

“I don’t think I’ll remember all of these. Can I call you James?”

He didn’t seem to have injuries on his chest and belly, There was no bleeding. I tried to unbelt his seatbelt but it was stuck. When I touched his side, he groaned in pain.

“Jamie, if ye will.” I nodded and smiled. “Ye seem to ken what to do? Are ye a first aid?” He closed his eyes.

“I’m a surgeon. Jamie? Stay with me.”

“I’m a wee bit tired…” he whispered.

“Look at me. Tell me if you want me to call someone? Perhaps a girlfriend or family?”

“Och no. They’ll be worrit for nothing. Ye can call my godfather Murtagh, though. He lives in Glasgow.”

I nodded, looking if the ambulance was coming when I thought I heard sirens.

“They are coming Jamie. Wake up. Look at me.” I took his face in my heads, but didn’t move his head.

“Madam?” I turned around to see a firefighter walking down the slope from the highway.

“They’re here, Jamie.” I got up, but he grabbed my wrist, holding me so painfully tight that his knuckles were white.

“Dinna leave, please.” He started panicking.

“Stay calm. I won’t leave. It’s alright. I gotta let them do their job.”

And I did. The ambulance men got him out off the car on a stretcher. I followed them to the ambulance and Jamie looked at me with a scared look.

“It will be alright. I’m going to take my car to the hospital and I’ll see you there.”

“Okay.” It was almost a whisper.

“Where are you going?” I asked the driver.

“Glasgow Royal Infirmary.”

***

Jamie was in a small room, still on a stretcher when I entered. His eyes were closed but he wasn’t asleep for he opened them when he heard me.

“You came.” He said with a smile.

I went to his side. He was dressed in a hospital robe and had a plastic bracelet around his wrist where he was plugged on morphine.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes.” His voice was raw and his lips dry. “My head hurts a wee bit but they said I didna have a concussion.”

“I know, they told me. The doctor who is taking care of you, Doctor Abernathy, is my friend.”

“I see.” He closed his eyes for a moment and took my hand. “Thank you, lass. For everything you did.” He waited for a moment and cleared his throat. “What is your name?”

“Claire.”

“Sorcha.” He whispered with a smile. He didn’t answer my quizzical look. “Claire what?”

“Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp. It’s not as long as you.”

He smiled.

“It’s a beautiful name.”

He looked up at me with a puppy look and I felt my heart break. His face was bruised, his bleeding nose was cleaned but still it was blue and inflamed. Even with all the injuries, his blue eyes were deep and honest. He looked like a helpless child.

The door opened to my colleague, Doctor Raymond.

“James Fraser?” He was looking down at his pad and was surprised to see me there. “Dr Beauchamp?” He looked at our linked hands with a quizzical look.

I slowly took my hand from Jamie’s and touched it instead.

“I am Doctor Raymond”He calmly told Jamie. “I will take you to the radiology department. We will take a few scans of your body to see is something else his broken.”

He had broken his right leg, stuck under his wheel, Joe had told me.

“Can’t Doctor Beauchamp do it?” Jamie asked.

“It’s alright, Jamie. Doctor Raymond is good at this. I’ll wait here if you want.”

He swallowed and nodded.

“It will be alright, don’t worry.”

He closed his eyes and opened them, taking control over his emotions.

***

Jamie left the hospital the day after his accident with a broken leg and a two broken ribs. He smiled politely at me and thanked me for my presence. He kissed my cheeks, making me blush in front of other doctors and left with his godfather, Murtagh, who only bowed at me.

A few days passed after the accident. On a Friday noon, I was just coming out of a small surgery when Doctor Hildegarde, the Chief of the hospital, asked to see me in her office. I was a little scared at first since she never really asked to see me in such a formal way. When I entered, I was surprised to see Jamie standing with a walking stick.

“Ja- Mister Fraser? What are you doing here?” I was genuinely surprised to see him. He was standing painfully but smiled at me nonetheless.

The bruises on his face had started to fade away, revealing a most handsome face with high cheekbones. His red curls were washed, catching the light in the office. He was wearing black pants and a clean shirt. He looked weirdly formal.

“Mister Fraser talked to me about a project he wants to participate in with the hospital.” She started, getting up from her chair to stand next to us. “Mister Fraser is a journalist for The Scots Magazine and he will start a new monthly chronicle about the life in the hospital.”

“Well that’s great.” I nodded, but nobody added anything. “What exactly does it have to do with me.”

Hildegarde smiled.

“After meeting with you and after you took him under your care, Mister Fraser thought that it would be perfect if you were to represent the doctors of the hospital.” She paused, but I didn’t understand much more. “He will follow you around a little. Watch you interact with other doctors, watch you during your surgeries and interact with the patients.”

He will be my shadow. I swallowed.

“I… Uh… Thank you… For having thought of me… But I really don’t think I am in the best position for that. I mean… there are doctors with much more experience than I…” I looked from Jamie to Hildegarde, as if one of them could save me, when it looked they both wanted to condemn me.

“Claire.” She said and touched my shoulder with a cold hand. “You maybe don’t realize this, but you are one of the best surgeons I have ever seen. You have all the best qualities asked in a surgeon and you are young and sympathetic, you’re perfect for this.”

I didn’t know what to say. Jamie was looking at me with a cocky smile, making me want to punch his handsome injured face.

“Chief. Can I talk to you? In private? For a moment?”

She smiled at me and patted my shoulder.

“No.” And she went to sit behind her desk.

I looked at her then at Jamie with a scandalized look. We got out of her office and I turned to face Jamie with my arms crossed on my chest.

“What the fuck?”

“What what the fuck?”

“Why are you doing this? If you think you’re thanking me this way, know that it was the worst thing to do.”

“It will be great, Claire! It will give citizen a real look inside the lives of doctors, it will make people want to become doctor and appreciate even more what you do. Think about it.”

I had to admit he wasn’t wrong, but though the following me around part was a little intense.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He tried to wink, which he failed dramatically, and left me.

Geillis came next to me, a quizzical look on her face.

“You accepted?” She asked with a glimmering look.

“You know?”

“Oh aye. Everyone does.”

I sighted dramatically.

“At least it will give doctors a chance to.. get more recognition for their hard work.”

She made a chocked laugh.

“What?” I asked, slightly annoyed.

“Oh please! Claire. Didn’t you see the way he looked at you?” I looked at her blankly, making her laugh again. “He’s hypnotized by ye. Ye’ll be the only person he’ll talk about in his article.”


	2. Up Early

Claire walked down the road to the main door of the hospital. She was wearing her scrubs under a corduroy coat, sipping her orange juice through a straw. Her curls were rebelliously escaping her bun dancing across her face with the light morning breeze. Jamie thought she looked tired, but amazingly beautiful. He was just arriving at the same time, his bag hanging across his chest.

“Claire!”

She turned to see him run towards her.

“It’s Dr. Beauchamp for you.” She smiled. “Christ. You look like you’ve been up all night. Not used to wake up so early?” She teased him.

“I’ll let ye know that I covered restaurants for five years. Bakers start even earlier than that.” Jamie smiled back.

“Good, then.” She said, and they started walking together.

“Is that how ye always start your day? Wi’ orange juice?” He found it quite funny, being used to see doctors drink coffee to survive their long shifts.

“Yes. I can’t start my day the right way without it. And coffee makes my hands shake, so not quite useful for surgery. Is that how you always start your day? Asking questions?” She asked, but smiled at him.

“Aye,” he returned her smile while they entered the hospital.

“You could go with Geillis, you know. I’m sure she would like you to ask her your questions. Not only she does like to talk, but she also likes young, handsome gentlemen.”

“Ye think I’m handsome?” He grinned proudly.

“It will be her to decide that.” She looked at him, hardly following her pace with his walking stick. “How’s your leg?”

“Alright..” He made an attempt at blinking, trying to be reassuring.

***

Jamie followed Claire while briefing among her colleagues and talking to her patients. Most of them were delight to have Jamie showing interest in their condition, and he spent a few minutes talking to each one of them, after asking Claire’s permission. She was willing to let him stay with them when she moved along to the patients with more serious diseases, who weren’t getting better or were in critical states. These people, she thought it was better to meet them alone.

Jamie, from a distance, observed the way she spoke to her patients, trying to make them at ease, but mostly, trying to reassure them without lying. She was warm and he could see that the patients loved her.

He followed her to the OR and in contrast with the patients, who found him funny and interesting, most doctors weren’t enjoying his presence in their hospital. They saw him as a threat, as if he was to splash their secrets on the news front page. Claire didn’t seem to mind his presence much, though.

As the day went by, she told him about working in the hospital and how her days usually went. He listened carefully and noted every single word she said. He loved listening to her, so passionate and caring. He could feel the love for her job as she spoke and thought that she really was the perfect doctor for his article.

While she spoke with Dr. Abernathy, Dr. Stuart, and assistant surgeons, he carefully noted everything she told them about the patient, a man named Yi Tien Cho. He didn’t understand what they said, sometimes he didn’t even know how to write their words, but what he figured out was that they were operating for an endocarditis.

Jamie watched the surgery standing behind glass windows, together with two doctors. He heard the surgeons talk through microphones and noted the comments the two doctors standing with him made.

Dr. Joe Abernathy was in charge of the operation, but Jamie was captivated by Claire. The way her hands moved, even after many hours in the operating room, how she was still concentrated, as if the surgery had started few minutes ago. She seemed in total control both of her mind and body.

When she got out the OR, many hours later, Jamie congratulated her. She waved it off, but he insisted that it was important, that this operation would change Mr. Yi Tien Cho’s life forever.

She nodded and blushed at the attention, something he found quite cute.

Before he could say anything else, Geillis joined them and invited them for lunch.

***

I felt everyone staring at us in the cafeteria during the entire break. Jamie’s presence was appreciated by many surgeons who saw his project as a way to give them and their patients a voice, but some saw him as if he was trying to out hidden secrets.

I didn’t really mind having Jamie following me around. He respected my rules and wasn’t too intrusive. I just hoped that he wouldn’t be here for too long. Geillis kept sending me quizzical looks or touching my feet with hers during lunch. I knew she wanted to know all the details of my day with Jamie.

Joe joined us for lunch and started talking with Jamie about his new project for the magazine. Joe wouldn’t stop asking questions, one of them being how Jamie had come up with the idea of the article, and I was quite surprised to hear the story for the first time.

“Well… I’ve been working for The Scots for five years now. I’ve been covering the restaurants in Glasgow since the beginning. I always wanted to work in the outdoor places in Scotland or cover forgotten historical sites, but another man took the job. When I met Claire… I mean Doctor Beauchamp… After my accident, and I saw everybody working to help me… It came to me that I could write about the life in a hospital.”

“When will the article be published, do ye ken?” Geillis asked, taking a bit of her sandwich.

“Probably around next month, for the issue of May.”

“Will you keep following Dr. Beauchamp even after that?”

I felt everyone’s gaze on me as blushed helplessly. Gossip would start anyway, even without Geillis fueling it

“Well, it depends on how the public will react. If they like it, I will do another one.”

“Oh you will?” I laughed, teasing him.

“Oh aye. Doctor Hildegarde is very enthusiastic about this project.”

I stopped laughing. “And who will you be following around, this time?” I asked Jamie and he shrugged, grinning at me with a suggestive look.

***

We spent the afternoon making rounds at the hospital.

“No other surgery today?” Jamie asked as he followed me into my office.

“No, not today. I have to meet with a few patients’ families though, to inform them about upcoming surgeries.”

“Is it very long?”

“Depends on the case, on the patient and on the family.”

“Can I go with ye, then?”

“If the family doesn’t mind.”

I remained silent for a moment, checking my emails. I blushed seeing a message from Frank, and hoped Jamie didn’t see it.

Good afternoon Claire, you didn’t answer my calls last night. Frank.

I ignored the message, hoping Jamie had not see it. Last thing I wanted was him to include my personal life in his article.

I could feel his eyes on my back. ‘’What?” I asked without turning back.

“Do ye mind?” I turned around and crossed my legs. “Do ye mind me following around?” He asked again.

“It’s been just one day and no, I don’t mind. But if you plan on following me around for an entire month, then I probably will.”

He nodded. I tried to read his expression, but his face didn’t show up anything. “Then I’ll try to make a bad article.”

I laughed and turned back to my emails.

“Are ye going out with your colleagues tonight?”

“Going out?”

“Yeah. Like in a bar. The Castle Leoch Bar is just outside.”

“You watch too much Grey’s Anatomy, Jamie. I don’t go out on a Tuesday night. Maybe Geillis will go, meeting some young gentlemen. You could go with her.”

“When ye go, though, tell me, aye? I want to see drunk surgeons.” He said with a smile.

***

When the night ended I had a small moment of solitude for the first time of the day, in the locker room. Closing my eyes, I massaged my shoulders, letting out a small groan. Jamie entered the locker room, surprising me.

“You’re still here.” I said.

“Aye. I kept thinking about this family. The young boy from Falkland with his risky operation. I can’t imagine how it must be like for his parents.” He came and sat next to me.

I stayed in silence. I knew how he felt and I felt it too, but I couldn’t start thinking like this if I wanted to be able to heal him.

“Do ye have children?” He asked me.

I looked up at him to see his deep blue eyes. “No, I don’t.” I said in a whisper. “Do you?”

“Aye.” He smiled proudly. “I have a son.” He took his wallet out and showed the picture of a brown haired boy. “His name is Fergus. I’m not his biological father, he’s the son of my cousin. Both his parents died four years ago, so he came to live wi’ me. He’s a good lad. He’s French, ye ken?”

“What will he do, when you will be here late with me?”

“My mother will take care o’ him. She lives wi’ me.”

“You live with your mother? I wouldn’t have thought so.” I laughed.

“No, she lives wi’ me.”

“The difference being?”

“She moved in when she lost everything after a charlatan took all her money. We own a house, my sister Jenny and I, in the Highlands. Jenny lives there, but my mother didn’t want to go back. It reminds her too much of my father. He died a few months ago.”

I looked at Fergus’ picture, the young boy with the bright smile and curly hair. He did look like Jamie.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, giving him his picture back.

“You spent the day telling me about what you loved the most in yer life. I thought it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t do the same.”

I smiled and looked at him, seeing a completely different man. A family man that cared for the ones he loved.

“Thank you for telling me.”


	3. Pulling Pigtails

Regret would be a strong word. I didn’t exactly regret dating Frank and I surely didn’t regret breaking up with him. The only regret I had was that he had been such an ass and that I had been so blind.

I met him at a convention on the history of medicine in Boston, right after I graduated from medical school. Frank and I dated for four years, until the day I went home earlier from work and found him in bed with a colleague.

He’d moved to London after that, and I never saw him again. But hear him, I did.

Last night was the fourth time he’d called in a month and we had a fight over the phone. I was still annoyed when I woke up, only to realize that my day wasn’t going to get better.

Jamie.

James Damn You Fraser.

He had been following me for almost two weeks now and he spent all the days and nights I worked in the hospital, following me around. He’d started trying to diagnose patients, read into scans or radiologies and whenever I would check something on paper or on a computer, he would stand just inches away from my head, his breath behind my neck, driving me mad. Everything about him annoyed me.

I couldn’t stand him anymore. It was nice at first, when he spent the first few days asking questions and looking at how we did things. Now he wasn’t asking questions, but answering for us, telling us how to do our job and he was always touching everything when I clearly told him not to. Old ladies found him funny. He had charm, that was sure, always charming everyone with his innocent blue eyes and his cocky lopsided smiles. But sometimes I wondered whether I was with a professional journalist doing his research or with a clown entertaining the patients.

“I can’t do this anymore, Geillis.”

We were sitting in the cafeteria this exact morning, drinking tea.

“If you don’t want him, I’ll take him with pleasure. Didn’t you see his glorious arse?”

I closed my eyes, exasperated. I had, during the first days. Now all I saw made me roll my eyes, even his amazing round arse.

“He’s like a nine years old on a sugar rush, visiting Disneyland for the first time in his life! I can’t work properly when I’m playing the kindergarten teacher!” I sighed, crossing my arms.

She sipped her hot beverage, smiling innocently. “You should screw him.”

I almost spit my tea. “What?” I coughed, scandalized. “What kind of idea is that?”

She rolled her eyes and brought her chair closer to the table. “Listen. Once, when I was in Inverness, I was working with a doctor named Dougal. I really couldn’t stand him, but still found him quite attractive. One day he asked me out for a beer and we ended up having sex on his couch. It was quite wonderful. After that, we could work like we were respectable professional surgeons at day and restless lovers at night. You should try it with your ginger lad. I’m sure the time until he’s done following you will be most pleasant for both of you. And trust me, Claire, you really need it. It’s been too long.”

I hid my blushing in my cup of tea. “Anyway.” I coughed. “I have to talk to him. It can’t continue this way.”

***

I was surprised that there were no sights of Jamie at lunchtime. It was rather a relief. I was able to completely clear my head during a short surgery and for the first time in two weeks, enjoy my time in the hospital with no one following me around and nobody to check on, other than my patients.

I was walking to the nurse station when I found him bent over the counter, charming one of the nurses. I rolled my eyes so hard I was afraid they would fall in the back of my head.

“Fraser. You found yourself bored following me everywhere and decided it is more exciting to be around the nurses?”

“I’m writing about a hospital. I need to know everything about the personel.” He smiled at the nurse, crossing his arms on his chest.

When he looked back at me, it was my turn to smile, pretty sarcastically. “Can I talk to you?”

“Now? I’m working…”

“Yes, now. In my office.” I said and started walking, with Jamie following behind, trying to catch up with me with his broken leg.

“I know what yer thinking. It’s not that. I wasna trying to seduce her.”

“From where I was standing, your werena trying but were pretty successful.”

He gave me a cocky smile. “Actually… I was asking her yer phone number.”

I honestly laugh this time. “My phone number? This is like the dumbest excuse, Jamie.”

I looked up at him to see the tip of his ears go pink. Oh.

We entered my office and I closed the door behind him

“So? What did ye want to tell me?”

He was sitting on my desk, playing with a pen.

“Stop it!” I took the pen from his hand and threw it on the desk. “Stop it! Everything that you do! It’s annoying. I’m tired of having to babysit you all the time!”

“I did nothing!”

“Yes you did, writer boy! You bloody did!’’ I was exasperated. ‘’You always touch things when I tell you not to! You always try to do our job, like you know better than us! Do I try to write your bloody article? No! Then stop telling me how to do my job! Stop flirting with the nurses, stop doing everything that you didn’t do during the first day!”

He nodded without saying anything.

“Well say something!”

“I didn’t know you hated me so much.”

I sighted but couldn’t help a smile at his boyish expression.

“I don’t hate you. I just… I liked how you acted during the first day. You were professional, charming and pertinent. Now your immature, egotistical and completely -”

“Fun?” He asked.

“No. Impertinent.”

He smiled at me. “I will try to be more respectful of your wishes,” he said getting up.

“Thank you.”

We were standing in front of each other when Joe opened the door of the office we shared.

“Claire, I-” He looked up and saw me take a step back. “Oh. Am I… Interrupting something?”

“No!” I said, my voice rather high pitched.

“Yes.”

I looked at Jamie in confusion.

“Ok…The family is here, if you want to meet with them.”

“Alright.”

Joe left my office and I turned to face Jamie. “Be nice and professional and you might get a bone at the end.”

***

It was late when I went back into my office after the last surgery of the day. Joe was filling files on his computer when I entered.

“You’re still here?” I asked him.

“Yes. I have a couple of things to do before heading home for the weekend.”

I sat on my chair, painfully spreading my legs in front of me with a small groan. “Joe? Are you doing something special for your summer vacations?”

“I might go to Boston to see my family.” He said, not looking up from his computer. “Why?”

“Because it’s been a while that I want to go in California, but I have no one to go with. I thought maybe you would like to come.”

“Didn’t you ask Geillis?”

“I did, but she’ll take her leave in three weeks and the dates don’t fit. And it’s too hot for her.’’

“Ask your journalist.” He looked up at me with a teasing smile.

“He’s not my journalist.”

“Oh no?” He crossed his arms and lied back on his chair.

“He’s just observing me.”

“Yeah… I’ve seen the way he observes you.”

I rolled my eyes, blushing. “I hate this. Everyone thinks we’re fucking. I mean… I don’t care about what people say, but don’t you see how stereotyped this is? Like a woman can’t be an accomplished professional without a man’s spark and a man only thinks with his dick and wants to screw everything that has boobs?”

“Well with boobs like yours…” he laughed but stopped at my annoyed face. “But you are right. It’s pretty cliché.”

“I just want this to be over. I can’t stand people’s looks at me when we walk together - which is all the damn time - like I’m sleeping with him for fame. I just want my normal work life back.”

Joe smiled and got up, taking his coat. “Take your coat, LJ.”

“What? Why?” I asked confused.

“We’re going to get a drink.”


	4. Writer Boy

Jamie had stop acting like a nine-year-old on a sugar rush. At least, it seemed that he was working on it. He didn’t touch things I told him not to, and he stopped trying to do my job. However, he learned very fast. What really surprised me, was that with no previous medical knowledge, except for what he had read in books or saw in documentaries, he still understood the procedures without much explication.

It was two days ago, when we were dining in the briefing room, the two of us together with Joe. Over our sandwiches, we were trying to figure out the case of a new patient who had suffered a heart failure, and it was impossible to come to a conclusion about her condition.

Jamie had stayed silent the whole time, eating while observing us, when he suddenly proposed that maybe the patient suffered from Brugada Syndrome.

We both turned to see him, faces blank with surprise.

“Yes… That could be it.” Joe said, frowning in astonishment. “I hadn’t thought about it.”

I took the electrocardiogram from the file and looked at it again. I was surprised to identify the pattern. “How the hell did you know about Brugada?” I asked him, astonished.

He chuckled, taking a sip from his orange juice. Even if he wasn’t operating on anyone, Jamie had started drinking orange juice, just like I did. He said it was to size me better. It made me think he wanted to slide under my skin, and I found hit almost creepy most times.

“I should say that I recognized it when I saw the wee test, but truth is that I watched a movie about that on TV. Fergus and I were supposed to go out, but his friend called and they went together to the park. I found myself watching this documentary on medical diagnostics and thought it might be helpful. It’s a good thing I did, otherwise ye would have diagnosed her wi’ cancer.” He finished with a proud smile.

I wanted to punch his face right at that moment. I felt ashamed that I hadn’t seen it, but after the long week I was having - without taking into account Jamie’s constant presence - I could barely see clear.

“Do it then, Dr Fraser.” I gave him the results. “Prescribe her medications, treat her and tell me when you want me to sign her discharge.”

“Don’t be mad, Claire. I’m just joking.” He said with frowned eyebrows, handing me the test results back.

I spent the afternoon in the OR, putting a pacemaker in a man’s heart. It was a relatively easy surgery to finish the week. I walked out, taking my scrub cap off, only to find Jamie waiting at the scrub room.

“I think it’s supper time. Do ye want me to take you somewhere?”

“Jamie, I’m working.”

“Not far from here. I know a place. It’s Indian and it’s so -”

“No, thank you. You should go home now. I have nothing left to do that will be interesting for you. Go to your son, he must miss you.” I said kindly, hoping he would change his mind about taking me out.

“What will ye be doing?”

“Just paperwork.”

I knew he hated it when I did my stats. He would stay calm, looking at me and the forms I was filling for a good five minutes, and then he would start talking and bothering me.

“Oh! OK then!” He bowed to me, his bag hanging across his chest. “Goodnight, Doctor Beauchamp.” He took my hand and kissed my knuckles. “I’ll see ye tomorrow.”

I frowned, blushing. He saw it and gave me a knowing smile. The bastard.

***

Jamie opened the door of his flat to see Donas, his black cat as dark as night, coming to tangle around his feet.

“Good evening!” He shouted, so everyone in the house could hear him.

He heard Fergus’ steps as the boy ran loudly from his bedroom to the kitchen. “Milord! Milord!”

Jamie smiled at the surname. The lad had started calling him like that the first year he lived with Jamie. He had insisted that Fergus calls him Da, but he was never listening to what his father said, always doing the opposite. The boy wasn’t an ordinary eleven years old lad, in fact, he had quite the character. Jamie, with no parental knowledge, had accepted to be his father without really knowing what it meant. He had thought it would be easy to take care of Fergus since they always had fun together at family dinners, but to live with the lad’s rebellious behaviour was more intense than Jamie had expected. Fergus had a special talent with his hands he used to pickpocket the family members or teachers at school. His father tried to tell him to stop doing it, but again, he thought that the french boy didn’t understand when he talked. Once, on Sunday afternoon, he had broken something in the flat, making Jamie angry.

“Young boy, you will start listening to me! I’m in charge of you and that means you have to listen to me as you would listen to your parents!” He had crossed himself. “I’m the Laird of this Castle, alright? You’ll listen to me, otherwise you’ll end up with the Murray clan and trust me, you dinna want that! You are here alone, and if you go there, you’ll be sharing a room with yer cousin Young Ian! Is that what you want?”

“No, Milord.” He had teased him. And it had stayed since then.

Jamie had just put his bag on the counter chair when Fergus came running into him, pulling him in a tight hug.

“Hey, Fergus. How are you? Where is your grandma?”

“She’s in your office with a man.”

“What?”

“Aye. She started working as a diseuse de bonnes aventures.” He chuckled.

Jamie frowned. A fortune teller? He waved the subject off. He’ll have to talk to his ma later. “Did you eat?”

Fergus shook his head.

“Pizza or chicken then?”

“Pizza!” The young boy said with a bright smile at this unexpected plan for the evening.

The pizza came about twenty minutes later and Jamie chose a scary movie to watch while eating their meal. During the movie, Jamie’s mind kept wandering to Claire. He couldn’t help but smile thinking about her, with her wild curls framing her angry face when she’d told him he acted like a young boy. Writer boy, she had called him.

He liked to recollect her image at night, and it always came clear in his mind. Her shy smile when he told her she did great at a surgery, her beautiful hands taking notes on a patient’s health, her cute frowning as she listened to her friends and colleagues talk over lunch. He was very fond of her. He kept thinking about what his father had told him when he was sixteen. “When ye’ll find the lass that’s for ye, ye’ll ken it right away.” And he did know. Every time she said his name. Every time she laughed at one of his jokes, he kent she was the one for him.

“Milord?” Jamie was brought out of his reverie hearing Fergus’ voice. “Why are you smiling like that? It’s scary!” His son had a blanket covering his face. Maybe he should have picked another movie.

Jamie smiled and brushed the boy’s hair. “I was just thinking about someone.”

Aye. He was smitten by her.

Jamie went to his office after sending Fergus off to his bed. His mother was sitting on his chair, focused on her computer.

“Mother. What are ye doing?”

“Research.” She said, not looking at him. Her red hair were falling on her broad Mackenzie shoulders.

“Fergus told me about yer new work as a fortune teller. Do ye really think it’s a good idea?”

‘’Not as a fortune teller!’’ She laughed. ‘’As an advice giver.’’

‘’An advice giver?’’ Jamie frowned, sitting on the couch in front of her. ‘’Is that Christian?’’

‘’Och, aye! Jocasta and I followed a class about it, to encourage people in life and to give them advices so they make the best decisions for themselves.’’

‘’Are ye really that bored?’’

She sighted dramatically and crossed her arms over her chest. After his father had died, Jamie started noticing that his mother didn’t enjoy life as much as she did when he was alive. She didn’t like to give her drawings lessons anymore and stopped reading to blind people. She had been sick the months following his death, losing all her money in the hands of a medical charlantant. It made her realize that she didn’t want to get old, she didn’t want the rest of her beautiful life to end in a waste. She wanted to do something that would matter. Since then, she had started looking for a new calling in life. ‘’It will take time, son. I’m still mourning yer father. I’ll always be, but I need a change. My old life is gone with him, so I have to find myself again and create a new life. I have ye and Claudel and it’s enough for me, for now. But I’m just looking for… More than enough. I will find myself, I just need some time.’’ She smiled at him and caressed his cheek, and they remained silent for a while. “Why do ye still follow her?’’ She asked some time later. ‘’Should ye no’ write yer wee article? I think ye have followed her long enough to write ten articles about her, son.”

Jamie blushed and nodded. “I like it there.”

“Yes, but ye are no’ a doctor. Yer a writer. Ye need to do yer job. This Doctor Beauchamp must be tired of having ye all the time around her.”

“Och, no! I’m sure she likes it.” He remained silent for a few moments, before adding in a low voice, “It’s not about the articles anymore.”

“Does she knows?”

“God, no! Good thing, otherwise, she’d kill me. She doesna like what people say. She doesna care much about their opinion in general, I know that, but I see her face when they stare at us. She isna at ease with this. I wish… I don’t know… I dinna think she sees me.’’


	5. Dine Out

I was looking at the CT scans hanging on the light board in front of us.   
“Is it bad?” Jamie asked, standing right besides me.  
“Yeah.” I said, scratching my head. “Do you see the spot here?” I pointed a pretty big one, at the left side of the liver with a finger. “That’s the tumour.”  
“A bad one?”  
I looked at him with a sad grimace and nodded. “The urine tests were convincing, but I didn’t think it’d be so big.” I answered, taking off my glasses and putting them on my head.  
Jamie stood in silence, looking at the scans. “And you have to tell her family? This must be hard.”  
“Someone must do it.” I shrugged, but swallowed hard. ‘’As a doctor, you have to seperate yourself from the work, but it’s always hard. This kind of news… It changes a family’s life forever.’’  
‘’I ken. I really dinna ken, though, how ye can do it.’’  
***  
I heard two light knocks on my door. I was holding my head between my hands with my eyes shut, massaging my forehead to lessen the aftereffects of a difficult surgery. We had operated on a young man with a benign tumour. It was supposed to be an easy operation, so to speak, but during the surgery, something went wrong. Joe and I had to act fast, but it had taken three more hours to put the patient in a stable state.  
I looked up to see Jamie with a big plastic bag in his hands. “You’re still here?” I asked him, surprised.  
“I brought ye dinner.” He entered and sat on the small couch near the window revealing the night falling over Glasgow.  
“You did?” I asked, my mouth curling up in an involuntary smile.  
“I thought maybe ye didna want to go out so…” He took off his navy blue coat. “Come,” he said, pointing the place next to him.  
“What did you get?” I asked sitting on the couch, a little too close to him.  
“Chinese. From the restaurant next to the hospital, wi’ the dragon on the window.”  
“How did you know it’s my favourite?”   
“I saw the wee menu on yer desk.” He opened the bags and took out cartons filled with rice, chicken, vegetables and shrimps. ‘’I thought ye’d liked it, though I didna ken it was yer favourite.’’  
“You are very observant, James Fraser.” I teased him and closed my eyes, the food’s smell making my mouth water.  
“Must be, to be good at my job.” He took two beers out of his bag and handed me one. ‘’Slainte!”  
“Isn’t Slainte only for whisky?”   
He shrugged with a grin.   
‘’Bottoms up.’’ I crossed my legs on the couch, facing him. I took a sip of the beer, the cold liquid slowly drowning the worries of the day. We ate in silence, both very hungry. I kept replaying the surgery in my head, over and over again.   
“At what point did you leave?” I took a bit of chicken and rice.  
“I didn’t stay long. I wanted to, but I had to go pick up Fergus at school. My mother canna go on Wednesday, she gives drawing lessons. I waited until she came back to go buy the food.”  
“You didn’t have to come back.” I said, looking at him to see his reaction, but again, his face showed nothing. Jamie had been following me for three weeks now and while I thought it wouldn’t take long before he had seen enough, he seemed to enjoy being here a little bit more every day. Sometimes, I wondered if maybe there was something more. Sometimes, I allowed myself to believe that maybe he was attracted by me. He did asked me to go out numerous times. But I told myself that I probably was imagining things, that he was just being nice. And when I tried to believe this, I found myself rather disappointed.   
“No… but I thought ye might need it, after the surgery.”  
“I do. It’s very kind of you.” I smiled reassuringly, choosing the biggest shrimp from the carton.  
We didn’t speak until we finished our meal. When I started cleaning the table, Jamie stopped me.  
“Dinna worry, I’ll do it.” He got up and put everything in the garbage outside my office. When he came back, he was a little flushed.  
“What?”  
“I saw Dr. Duncan. I think she is imagining things between ye and I.”  
“She is.” I smiled as he sat back next to me.  
“What does she think?’’ He asked, his face showing a truly naive expression.  
It was my turn to blush, thinking about all the questions Geillis had ask me. Is he good in bed? Is he as pretty as his face is? Is he a good kisser?  
I waved off the subject and asked Jamie about what his family thought of his article. “I mean… You must not really see them.” I leaned back in the couch.  
“They’re both verra busy. My mother with her drawing lessons and all of her projects, Fergus with school and his friends.” He paused as if he remembered something. “The other day, we went horse riding. I’m trying to show Fergus how to ride, ye ken.” He smiled at the memory, like a little kid telling a funny story. “We were at Lallybroch, my home in the Highlands. We have a few horses there and I told him to go pick the one he wanted to ride, so he came out of the stables with a poney.”  
We both laughed and I realized how much I liked it when he told me tales of Fergus. I had never met the lad, but I found him adorable. Jamie seemed very proud of him and from the way he talked, Fergus was very fond of his father. The stories of Jamie’s unique mother were funny as well.   
Jamie was a born storyteller, like most Highlanders, but he had a little something that could make you want to listen to him even if he was talking about crochet for hours.  
Also, I didn’t have any relatives. Other than my cat Adso, I had no one to talk about. Listening about his family warmed my heart and made me hopeful that one day, I would be part of such a family. “You do horse riding?”  
“Oh, aye. My father taught me when I was a wee lad. During my summers at Lallybroch, as a teenager, I would spend all my time wi’ the horses, taking care of them or showing them some tricks. I love those beasts, but now that I live in the city I canna ride them as much as I want to.”  
“My uncle taught me, when I was in Ireland with him. I wouldn’t do it again today, I think I’d be too scared.”  
“I could show you if ye like. You need not be scairt of them. If ye do, they’ll be scairt of ye too.” I nodded and realized that we had gotten closer to each other, his knee was lightly brushing mine. “I could ride wi’ ye, from the back of yer horse.”  
I blushed and he saw what I thought on my glass face.  
“I mean-” It was his turn to blush.  
“I know what you mean.” I nodded.  
We stayed in an awkward silence for a moment. “I should go,” I announced and got up, seeing him jump off his seat.  
“Right.”  
I stood in front of him, searching his eyes for a hint of deception.  
Depection. What the hell, Beauchamp?  
“Goodnight.” He nodded and started to walk to the door, his coat in hand, his walking stick in the other.  
“Jamie.”   
He turned around.   
“Thank you for the dinner.”  
A bright smile lit his face. “My pleasure, Dr Beauchamp.”  
***  
I went back home to find Adso sleeping on the kitchen counter. He had decided that it was his favourite sleeping spot in the entire apartment.  
“Hey Adso.” I took him in my arms, waking him up.  
I hugged him, eyes closed, feeling the tiredness of the day start to win me over. I put him on the floor and went into the shower.   
I felt the hot water on my body cleaning the day off. I couldn’t stop thinking of Jamie. Every time that I forced myself to think of something else, my thoughts always wandered back to him. Sometimes I found his presence annoying, him always asking thousands of questions, talking with everyone and always saying his unnecessary comments. But I also found solace in his presence. When I was around him I tended to feel calm and as if things could not go wrong.   
“Shut up, Beauchamp.” I said to myself with an awkward laugh. “He’s just a journalist writing a story on doctors. In less than two weeks, he will be gone.”  
Yet, this thought made my stomach twist.  
I waved the thought off and went to bed. When he heard me lie on the mattress, Adso walked from the kitchen to my room, jumping on my bed and cuddling next to me. I closed my eyes and fell asleep in seconds.  
I woke up sometime later, slowly opening my eyes, afraid that my dream was in fact not a dream, but reality. I was relieved to find Adso sleeping besides me instead of Jamie. It had been just a dream, but the waves of pleasure slowly leaving my body were very real.   
I got up, waking the cat and headed to the kitchen. I filled a tall glass of cold water and drank it at once, my eye catching a flicker of light from my phone. I took it and saw a new text from an unknown number.

Finally got your phone number,  
Writer boy.


	6. The Auld Laird

When I arrived at work, Jamie was sitting on the couch in my office, writing on his computer.

“You’re finally writing your article!’’

“Good morning…” He replied with a grin.

“Sorry. Good morning.” I took off my coat and sat on my chair, looking at him while I waited for my computer to turn on. He was wearing a black T-shirt, which was drawing the lines of his broad shoulders.

‘’I’m no’ writing the article.’’ He looked up at me. His face was tired as if he had been up all night and there were two tall cups of coffee on the table in front of him. He must have been in my office for a long time. ”Too far from the deadline.’’

“What are you doing, then?’’

“Just writing wee notes.’’

My computer screen finally showed the monotonous background picture and opened the browser to read my emails. The deadline for Jamie’s article was in five days, and he said he never started writing until three to two days before the that.

I started to get used to his constant presence around me. Yes, he was annoying, but surprisingly, I found myself enjoying my job more than ever. He always made me laugh and I knew I could count on him during tough moments. I also knew that I was dangerously finding him more and more attractive everyday. I tried not to think about that as much as possible, but at night, when I had no control on my mind, I would dream of his hands traveling on my body and his lips burning on mine. Fortunately, he’d soon be off, writing his article and I would never see him again after that. Things would go back to normal.

I spent the morning filling up files while he was writing whatever it was on his laptop. After that, we met Keziah Beardsley, the young man with heart failure that had come at the hospital two weeks ago. We were to do a valve surgery on him in two weeks, so we would be talking about it with his older brother. It was always hard to have these conversations with patients, especially with those as young as Keziah, but Jamie’s presence gave me strength to get through it.

‘’So some colleagues are going out tonight. Do you want to go with me?’’ I asked Jamie, much later, once the sun had set and we were done for the day.

***

We entered The Auld Laird, a pub downtown with a band playing live. Joe, Geillis, Alex Randall, Mary Hawkins and Charles were already sitting around a table. The music was so loud I had to scream to greet my friends.

I sat next to Mary, closely followed by Jamie who took the last empty seat next to me.

‘’I’m buying.’’ He said with a big smile.

‘’It’s fine, Fraser. We don’t mind having you here.’’ Joe waved off with a smile.

‘’No, I mean it. I’m thankful to all of ye. Ye’ve accepted me in the hospital wi’ such kindness.’’

We ordered beers and talked about the day. As the night went on, Mary and Alex never stopped cuddling. They had started seeing each other a few months ago and had remained very private about it, until Geillis started seeing how they looked at each other. I was happy to see them together, being close with Mary I knew she had had an eye on Alex since she started working as a nurse in the hospital.

‘’How did ye end up in Scotland?’’ Jamie asked me when Joe got up to buy another round.

‘’I moved here after my uncle died, ten years ago, just before I entered university. I couldn’t live in London anymore now that he was gone, so when my friend Joe called me to say he had moved to Glasgow, I thought I could follow him.’’

‘’Ye knew Joe before starting working in the hospital?’’ He seemed rather surprised about that.

‘’Yes. I met him more than fifteen years ago.’’ I smiled, remembering the exact day when I had seen Joe for the first time, reading an X Files review, and had talked to him in the library about the last episode. ‘’I met him in Boston, when I lived there for two years with my uncle.’’ Joe had thought I was flirting with him. He didn’t know I had a boyfriend at the time, but he had found it quite funny since he wasn’t really attracted by women.

Jamie and I were surrounded by people, but it was like we were just the two of us. After a few drinks, I stopped filtering what I was telling him. I had never really spoke of my past to him, or anyone else. I thought it was no one’s business and I didn’t want to tell Jamie the journalist about it. But I didn’t mind telling Jamie the friend.

So I told him everything. How one day my uncle came to my door, finding my neighbor babysit me, while my parents had gone to the opera. He came with the police, telling me they had died in a car accident. It took me a few years to realize that there was no need to keep looking by the window, waiting for the small red car to park in front of the house. My parents would never come home again.

‘’I went to live with my uncle. He was an archeologist, so I spent my childhood traveling around the world with him. We went in Egypt, in Ireland, in the United States, in Russia…We traveled until I started university. He died a few years ago. It was a rather… Unusual, unorthodox upgrowing.”

‘’Do ye have any family left?’’ He asked, his voice low and sad.

‘’No.’’ I looked up at him and smiled sadly. His face was inches from mine, I could smell the scent of his perfume. I looked at his mouth and really wanted to kiss him, but thought better not to do it in front of Geillis. Well, better not to do it at all.

‘’My brother died when I was a wee lad. He drowned in the Beauly Firth. He was only ten. It took long for my parents to accept it.’’

I touched his hand under the table and then grabbed it reassuringly.

‘’His dream was to witness a Californian sunset.’’ Jamie said, looking deeply in my eyes. ‘’He’ll never do it.’’

I noticed that Mary and Alex had left, Geillis had gone flirting with men at the bar and Joe was talking about his last surgery with Charles.

“So you know how it is to lose someone you hold dear.’’ I said and he nodded. ‘’What… What I told you about my parents… Please don’t write it in your article.’’

‘’I won’t.’’ He nodded.

It was my turn to nod and I got up, putting my coat on. ‘’I should go. I’m terribly tired and drunk enough for the night.’’ I smiled at my colleagues. Jamie got up and put on his coat too.

‘’Let me walk ye home.’’

The way Joe looked at me made me blush, because of the drink, or because of Jamie, or maybe of both.

‘’It’s fine… Really…’’ But there were no need in arguing, Jamie had already made up his mind.

We walked in silence, it was a relatively hot night for the end of March, the breeze refreshing, but welcomed after hours in the small pub. There were still marks from the winter in the streets, but soon, the cherry blossoms would turn into leaves in the trees.

‘’Can I ask ye something?’’ Jamie asked, walking with his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans.

‘’Since when do you ask?’’ I smiled at him, teasingly.

‘’Who is Frank? Is he yer boyfriend? You’ve never talked about anyone, so I thought… I didn’t think ye were in a relationship.’’

I felt my heated blood get cold in my veins. How the hell did he know about Frank? Had Geillis told him? No, she would never do that. Had he seen the messages my ex sended me?

‘’How do you know?’’

‘’You opened one of his emails, the other day. He wrote you didn’t call him back.’’

I closed my eyes remembering during the first days Jamie had followed me, when I had received an email from Frank before having a fight with him over the phone. ‘’And you noticed it? How do you even see everything?’’

‘’Well, it’s my job.’’ He smiled shyly. ‘’So? Who is he?’’

‘’It’s not of your business.’’ I said. A few minutes later, though, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. ‘’Men… You all want to know but you don’t want to know. He’s my ex.’’ I told him our story, how I had met him and how it had ended. The few drinks also made me mention the big broken heart I had had after I found out he had been cheating on me almost half the time we had been together. “I’m over him, but I don’t want to hear from him ever again. At least, he understood that and stopped calling.’’

“He’s a bastard.’’ Jamie said in a whisper. ‘’He should have known how lucky he was to have ye.’’

I looked at Jamie, rather surprised and not quite knowing how to interpret what he had said.

‘’We’re here.’’ I said once we reached my apartment. ‘’Thank you for walking me home, even with a broken leg. Ye walk a lot for someone in your condition. I’m starting to think you are some Highland soldier from the 1700s.”

He smiled. ‘’I won’t see you for the next few days. I’ll stay home and write my article.’’

“Be nice.’’ I laughed, realizing I was standing inches from him. My breasts were brushing his chest, our breaths mixed in the air. His eyes were intense on mine, as if he was trying to read into my soul. I felt my knees go weak when he bent to kiss me. His lips barely brushed mine when a car parked on the other side of the road opened its lights before leaving its parking spot, blinding us. I took a step back, so did Jamie.

‘’Good night.’’ I said, feeling my cheeks burn.

‘’Good night.’’

I walked to my door and turned to watch him go home.


	7. Everyday Life Heroes

I didn’t want to get out of bed. The only thing I wanted was to stay hidden from the world, in the security of my small apartment. I didn’t have much sleep the previous night , with my mind jumping from thought to thought about the previous evening, when I finally read Jamie’s article. I stretched my legs and turned in bed with a groan, not wanting to sleep, but refusing to get up.

My phone buzzed on the nightstand and I looked up to see a text from Joe.

Ready for the game?

I grunted. Joe and I had agreed to try and play tennis together twice a week, as a way to decompress after all the long shifts at work. Most of the time, however, we ended up in a bar instead. Apart from some mornings, when the weather allowed it, that we met at the park.

Thinking that a game might actually help me get over my anger, I got out of bed, got ready and walked to the tennis court.

“So, have you read it?” he asked me while stretching. The article. The fucking article. Yes, I had read it.

Jamie had come to see me the night before, his article finally ready on deadline. It was four pages long and it was completely horrible.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked him in my office, after reading it.

Disappointment crept all over his face and I felt a small pitch in my heart, but pushed all thoughts away from it.

“Ye dinna like it?”

“Jamie, you’re only talking about me! All the other doctors are in my shadow!”

“Nae, they’re not! And ye kent fine well you were to be -”

“Representing, I know! But I’m not representing, I’m overshadowing my colleagues!’’ I got up to face him. ‘’And you, you fucking bastard, talked about my parents’ death! What is wrong with you?” I blinked, chasing the tears away from my eyes. We were screaming. Well, I was screaming at him. Almost a month of him following me around had drove me crazy. There had been good times, like at The Auld Laird or when he had brought me Chinese, but in times like today, I tended forgot about them.

“Nae, yer not! Listen, Claire. My publisher loved it and liked ye verra much in the article. He wants me to keep on writing about the hospital. About ye.”

“No. No, you are not. I’m done, Jamie. I’m done. I can’t have you on my heels anymore. It’s driving me crazy!”

“Oh? Because ye think yer so easy to live with? No need to remind ye that you aren’t always in a verra good mood, Claire.” I could see he was hurt. He was able to keep a blank face most of the times, but I could see his eyes turning deep blue, the corners of his mouth twitching, and his beaten shoulders.

“I speak my mind.’’ I paused, swallowing my anger back. ‘’Enjoy your little moment of fame, James Fraser, because you won’t be spending one more day in this hospital!”

I hadn’t talked to him since. He had left me voicemails, but I didn’t listen to them.

“I did.” I told Joe, my voice bitter.

“You didn’t like it?”

‘’What? Was I supposed to?’’

He laughed. “It’s not bad. His writing his beautiful. Did you see the way he talked about the meeting with Keziah Beardsley for the valve surgery? Broke my heart reading it.”

I grunted. Joe crossed his arms on his chest and sighted. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? Did we read the same thing or what? He only worships my work and paints you like little puppies working for me! And he talked about my parents’ death when I clearly asked him not to and he doesn’t even acknowledge it!”

“Well… It is true that he keeps bringing your name back, but Claire, your name is the name of the hospital. You represent us. It’s you that’s on the cover. What did you expected?”

“Why are you defending him? Joe, you’re supposed to be on my team! Not on his!”

Joe sighted dramatically. “There are no teams! He works for the benefits of the hospital just as you do.’’

He was right, but I didn’t want to give reason to Jamie, I didn’t want to like that article and I wanted him gone.

‘‘The cover.’‘ I cried. ‘‘I look horrible.’‘

The day after The Auld Laird, a photographer had come to take pictures of me for the cover of the next edition of The Scots Magazine. I was wearing my scrubs, hair falling on my shoulders and arms crossed on my chest. He had insisted that I wear my stethoscope around my neck and that I smile proudly at the camera. I was wearing too much make up and didn’t look like the serious doctor I was.

‘‘I look like a bimbo trying to be a doctor. You know, the doctors we don’t even understand how they even finished High School? Well I look like one of them!’‘

He laughed and shook his head.

‘’You think I’m making an act? Well know this, Joe, it’s not you that’s on the cover, it’s not you that look like a sucker for fame, it’s not you that people think you sleep with the writer and it’s not your secrets splashed in that paper!’’

‘‘Let’s play. You’re heated.’’ Joe started walking to the other side of the court. ‘’Imagine the tennis balls are Jamie’s when you play.’‘ He winked, making me laugh.

I didn’t hate Jamie. In fact, as I got to know him during the previous month, I had found him to be a most charming, kind, and generous person. We went out one night after work, before The Auld Laird, just the two of us. He had talked about his sister, her husband that was his best friend, their children and that he’d like to marry one day and have other kids of his own.

I couldn’t hate him. I just didn’t want him to follow me everywhere. And now that the article was out, I was very disappointed by him. Everyone at work thought we were sleeping together, and I’d heard many comments and gossips spread among the nurses about who had started the affair -in most cases, me- and when it happened.

After the game, which I’d won, Joe and I grabbed a snack from food truck and headed home. As we walked in front of a magazine stand, my eyes couldn’t avoid the new edition of The Scots Magazine, with a big picture of me under the headline Everyday Life Heroes: A Journey in the Lives of Scottish Surgeons.

***

I went to the hospital after the game. I didn’t want to see my colleagues’ looks, but I had to do some paperwork. I wasn’t wearing my scrubs, but a simple pair of jean and a blue longsleeve shirt. As soon as I entered the hospital, I felt everyone staring at me, whispering to one another. I hid behind my hair, looking at the floor on my way to my office, like I was walking the walk of shame.

I had to stop at the nurses’ station to get a file and I couldn’t but hear one of them, Geneva Dunsany, ask a blonde employee I didn’t know whether she thought I had slept with Jamie to get such a praising article.

I closed my eyes, trying to ignore her, but it proved impossible. She was holding the magazine as if it was a baby’s dirty diaper. ‘’No, she didn’t.’’ I said dryly. Dunsany was surprised to hear me and put the magazine behind her back. I took it rather violently and threw it in the garbage. ‘’Don’t you have anything else to do? Like patients to take care of?’’

Geneva nodded, red both with shame and anger, and walked out. I walked to my office, closed the door, and locked it. I didn’t want anybody to bother me about the bloody article for the rest of the day.

***

It bothered Jamie that everyone was buying his article. He didn’t even want it published anymore. He had done it for her, for Claire, wanting to show to the world how amazing she was. After spending a month with her, he was sure that she was the most remarkable woman he had ever met and couldn’t help but fall in love with her a little bit more every day. She spoke brilliantly all the time, she cared for her patients and he could see that she loved helping them. She stayed at the hospital longer after her shift ended to help at the emergency. She stayed when he would have left long before, his legs begging him to lie down. He found himself changing after meeting her. He wanted to have the same raw passion she had for her job and for life itself. But it was something more than that. Claire understood him, when he talked about loss. And even if he felt like a coward for mentioning her parents’ death, he knew that he needed to. If he didn’t, people wouldn’t get her like he thought he had, and he wanted them to see how extraordinary she really was.

‘‘It’s an amazing article, Jamie. I’m very proud of you, nephew. Canna wait to see what ye will be writing for the next issue.’‘ His editor and uncle spoke over the phone.

‘‘Claire told me about her colleague, Dr Geillis Duncan. Maybe I could write about her or about Dr. Abernathy.’‘ Truth was, other than the nurse Dunsany, nobody in the hospital wanted him to follow them.

‘‘No. It’s been already talked with the hospital. You will be writing about yer days wi’ Claire for the next six months. Yer time with her in the hospital will be covered by one of yer article each month. Imagine all the possibilities. Because of your article, more than £100,000 were donated to the Glasgow Royal Infirmary. Every director of the hospital is in for it.’‘

‘‘Claire doesna want me around.’‘ Jamie whispered, not hiding his broken heart. ‘’I have to leave her alone. She already hates me so.’’

‘‘Well you’ll find yer way around her, my lad.’‘ Colum MacKenzie said and hung up.


	8. Forgiven

Jamie hadn’t set foot in the hospital for two weeks. Even after talking with Colum, who pushed him to make things up to her, Jamie knew he had gone too far writing her parents’ story. Claire would hate him enough already.

“You’ve been home every day for two weeks.” Fergus told him as they kicked a soccer ball at each other in the park. “You don’t go to the hospital anymore?”

“No.” Jamie said in a low voice. He hadn’t shaved or left the house since the day the article came out. He felt ashamed every time he saw The Scots Magazine, a constant reminder that he had broken his promise to Claire, the most extraordinary person in his life and he would never see her again.

“You had a fight with the lady from the article?” Fergus asked him, kicking the ball.

Jamie stopped it with the inside of his foot and kicked it back to him. “Aye. She hates me. I tried to call her, but she never answers.”

Fergus frowned as he sent the ball back to his father. “Did you apologize to her? If she’s angry at you, maybe she is just waiting for you to apologize.”

Jamie looked at his son with a small lopsided smile. He knew he should apologize to Claire, but he was such a coward, he couldn’t do it. He’d called her, but he had never said what he really felt; that he was sorry, and he regretted what he’d done. Instead, he tried to persuade her that what he did was right. Now he knew that if there was a chance to get back to her, he had to have the balls to tell her the truth.

When they went home, Jamie walked straight into his office and called on her private phone. He fell on her voicemail. “Claire… It’s Jamie. Before ye skip or delete this voicemail, listen to me.” He paused a moment, scratching his beard. “I’m sorry for the article. I’m sorry it makes ye feel ashamed and I’m sorry if I put ye in an uncomfortable position with yer colleagues. I’m sorry I broke yer trust and talked about yer parents and I’m sorry that I didn’t apologize before.” He waited a moment and swallowed. “Goodbye, Claire.” He hung up.

***

I hated him. I was listening to the voicemail for the fifth time, every word crystal clear. His voice was hoarse and low and I felt bad imagining him with his head bent and his deep blue eyes dark with shame. Listening to him, I couldn’t be mad at him. And that’s why I hated him at that moment.

I walked out of my apartment, got into my car and drove to Jamie’s place. I knew I had overreacted, alright, but even if Jamie was such a kind man, I wasn’t used to have a shadow constantly following me around. He never did as I told him to, so the only thing I had hoped, was that he’d write a good article and be done with his investigation. Though, the thought of him being gone didn’t sound as relieving as I wanted it to be. It was a good article for sure, but I couldn’t see beyond the two lines about my parents’ death. What I hated about this article, was that it made me feel ridiculous. Ridiculous for my behaviour with Jamie and ridiculous for telling him everything about me.

I shyly knocked on the door that was answered by a beautiful, tall, red headed woman who looked at me surprised. Certainly Ellen Mackenzie had read her son’s article and had heard Jamie talking about my reaction.

“Claire! Please, come in.” She said politely.

I smiled shyly and entered the flat.

“Jamie isna home, but he should be back soon. He’s gone for a walk. Come sit by the fire?”

I took off my shoes and coat and followed her. I sat on the couch, self-consciously crossing my hands on my lap.

“Ye want to drink something? I have whisky, of course… But then you might want-”

“Whisky will be perfect, thank you.” I interrupted her with a smile.

She filled two glasses and gave one to me. “Slainte mhath!” She raised her glass towards me.

“Slainte Mhath,” I repeated. We drank in an awkward silence. Actually the awkward one was I, she looked quiet at ease. “Is Fergus home?” I asked, trying to break the silence.

“Och, nae. He’s sleeping at his friend’s for tonight.”

I heard the main door open and I turned to see Jamie entering the house. He looked genuinely surprised to see me. “Claire?”

***

Jamie closed the door of his office behind him and gestured to his couch. He sat, but I stayed standing, my arms crossed on my chest. “I heard your voicemail.” I said.

He swallowed and nodded. It was oddly silent in his apartment, giving me the impression that if we wouldn’t speak, we’d hear each other’s thoughts. “I meant it. What I said over the phone was true.” He said in a low voice.

“I know.” I nodded and he looked up at me, hopeful. “I… It was a good article, Jamie. You really are a talented writer.”

“But…”

“But next time you write… give more credits to my colleagues and don’t talk about what I asked you not to.”

“Next time?” He did a great job at keeping a straight face, but I saw a light in his eyes.

I closed my eyes and nodded. “Not that I wanted to, but Doctor Hildegarde didn’t give me much of a choice about it. She wants you back and I don’t think I could say anything to make her change her mind. You know how she is.”

“Aye.” He whispered, lost in his thoughts before looking at me a little confused. “So I’ll keep coming to work wi’ ye then?” He got up, but didn’t come close to me, afraid I’d change my mind. “And I will write articles about the hospital?” Six articles about the Glasgow Royal Infirmary. Six more months of having him follow me.

“Yes,” I nodded.

He shook his head in silence, thinking things through. Then he nodded and a small smile slowly started to show on his face, as he thought about the idea of coming back. Then he frowned and look up at me. “Am I forgiven then?” He asked.

“Yes. My first surgery wasn’t perfect. My first stitches were horrible. If I’m here today, it’s because I was given a second chance. You deserve the same. So I forgive you.”

***

Ellen insisted that I would stay for dinner, that I couldna refuse her invitation. Smiling, I sat across from Jamie while she was serving the food. He shot me a shy smile, the tips of his ears turning red as he shrugged at his mother’s orders that I eat with them.

“Are you sure you don’t want help, Miss Mackenzie?”

“Och, nae! Ye’re the guest. If I want to stay young, I need to do exercise!”

Jamie rolled his eyes, making me laugh. Ellen came with the spaghetti plates, sitting at the end of the table.

“This is a real Italian recipe. From a woman at my drawing classes. She’s Italian and she taught me how to do the wee meatballs and the sauce.”

“It looks delicious,” I said, looking at the huge portion she had served for me.

“Trust me, deary, it is delicious.’’ Ellen winked at me. We ate in silence, savouring the marvellous supper. It had been a long time since I had ate something so good. “Do you cook, Claire?” Ellen asked me after I had told her how amazing her spaghetti was.

“Not really. I do try, though.” I laughed and looked up to see Jamie smiling at me. He knew how bad I was, from all the leftovers I often brought at work and never ate.

“Jamie is a good cook, like his mother.” She said with an meaningful look, her eyes travelling from me to her son. I felt my cheeks go red and saw Jamie hiding his face behind his glass of wine.

“I operated on Keziah Beardsley.” I said, trying to change the subject, feeling that we tread on dangerous ground.

“Really? How did it go?” He asked with interest.

“Not so well. We need to do another surgery. He’s still at the hospital.”

e had opened his rib cage, but weren’t able to start working on his valve. He had started bleeding so we stopped the operation, not wanting to kill him on the spot. We’d have to operate again the following week. “You will come?” I asked him and he nodded, saying he wouldn’t miss it. To my surprise, I felt happy and reassured knowing he would be there. In only the one month that he was following me, he had become my safe place.

We finished dinner and sent Ellen to relax in the living room while we washed the dishes. She didn’t argue, and after a refill of her wine she went off.

As we cleaned, I couldn’t help but look at Jamie and feel bad. I had hurt him, I knew I had. And it made me feel terrible. Absentmindedly washing the plates, I kept thinking about all the times he had been nice with me, which was all the time, and then about how I had threaten him. I had rejected him, because of his constant presence, because of my professional pride and mostly because he was creeping in a place I had kept only for myself after my parents died. A place I hadn’t realized I kept locked until I had met him.

“I like your mother.” I said while washing the plates and handing them to Jamie to dry them up. “She’s funny.”

“Aye. She’s something.” He said with a proud smile. “She’s changed after my father died. I think she realized that life is short and she decided to… I don’t know. Breathe it in, I guess.”

“What is she doing at the moment?” He’d told me before about his mother’s projects, like writing books, giving theatre classes and trying to be a independent travel agent.

“She’s giving advices.” He shook his head. “In my office.”

“Well you’re barely there when you’re at the hospital. What kind of advices, though?” I frowned at him

“I dinna really ken, and I dinna know if I want to. So, will you let me write my articles on your computer?” He joked.

I smiled and grunted, drying my hands on a towel. “I should be going.”

“Already?”

“Well it’s almost ten.”

“You could stay?” He turned to face me, leaning on the counter. “We could watch a movie…”

The idea was tempting, but I couldn’t stay and let things take a dangerous turn I felt was coming closer with every passing moment. “Another time, maybe. Please, thank your mother for the supper.” I looked at him with a smile, and left the kitchen to take my coat and leave.

“Claire,” I turned on the steps to look at him. He was standing at the door, smiling at me. “I’ll see ye tomorrow.”


	9. Nothing Goes As Planned

Jamie was feeling a rush of adrenaline every time he took the cab to the hospital. It had been a week since he’d returned, ready to follow Claire Beauchamp throughout her day and enjoy every minute of it. He was careful this time. He tried his best not to bother her and he respected her wishes. After all, she had let him come back. 

He saw her restless, the day she would operate on Keziah Beardsley for the second time. He felt it as soon as he entered her office. . Claire’s thoughts and feelings were always under control, but even when she seemed certain and confident, he could read the nervousness on her glass face. 

“It will be fine,” he said as she checked on Beardsley’s file. Claire looked up at him and he smiled at her, reassuringly. “You’ve done this a thousand times and succeeded every one of them.”

“I know… It’s just… This case is a tough one. Keziah Beardsley is his brother’s only family… If anything happens… The boy will be left all alone, at such a young age. I can’t… I can’t let that happen.”

He knew it reminded her of her own story. The Beardsleys had lost their parents very young and spent their childhood going from one family to another. Claire had been raised by her Uncle, but like the two brothers, she knew what it felt like to have only one person on earth you can rely on. She was twenty-two, like the Beardsleys, when she’d lost her uncle and was left on her own. If Keziah was to be sick for the rest of his life or worst, die, Josiah would be left alone, like Claire had been. 

“It will be alright,” Jamie said, putting his hand on her shoulder and squeezing reassuringly. Claire smiled at him and squeezed back. He felt his heart grow warm inside his chest, and looked away from her, afraid she would see it. “Like I said, you’ve done this a million times.”

“Claire?” Jamie spoked again, just before they parted for the surgery. “When ye’re done wi’ the surgery, do ye want to go grab something for lunch?”

“I’d love to.” The way she smiled at him made his legs go weak and could barely walk to reach the area behind the glass window. He didn’t know what had happened since the day Claire came to his house, but he felt her more carefree, more open to him. And even if he didn’t understand why, he liked it very much. 

Jamie was surprised to see that the anesthesiologist for the surgery wasn’t Charles, Dr. Stuart that is, as usually, , but Dr. Jonathan Randall. During all his months working at the hospital, Jamie had never really talked to Jack Randall other than the time Claire had introduced them. He didn’t like the man, and he’d heard of his reputation. Black Jack Randall. Coming late or even not showing up at all at the hospital,he was more than once accused of bad behaviour towards the patients and employees. Claire had even told Jamie about a few complaints against him for sexual harassment, but the hospital’s director, Clarence Marylebone, was Randall’s close friend and no one could touch him. 

“Where’s Stuart?” Claire asked, as startled as Jamie. “He was supposed to be the anesthesiologist for this surgery.”

“Called sick,” Randall said with a disapproving look at Claire. 

It was too late to say anything. Keziah was already sleeping sound on the surgery table. Even with her chirurgical mask, Jamie could see the struggle in her eyes. She checked on Keziah and his vital signs on the monitor, but everything seemed to be alright. Claire started operating on the young man, encouraged by Geillis Duncan standing next to her. 

For the first hours, the surgery went pretty well. Jamie could see by the look in Claire’s eyes that she’d cleared her mind of Keziah’s family condition. When he looked at Black Jack Randall, tough, the journalist wasn’t reassured. He looked as if he was hardly standing up, his eyes blank as he watched the monitor. God, let everything be alright. Jamie prayed in his heart, trying to wave off the bad feeling he had. 

At some point after the third hour of the surgery the monitor started beeping, alarming all surgeons. 

“What’s going on?” Claire asked trying to keep her voice steady. “Randall?” 

“He’s going down.”

Jamie’s brain caught only glimpses of the scene going on in front of him. Everybody in the OR moved fast; they were losing him. They got the defibrillator while Claire started massaging his heart. 

About twenty five minutes later, Keziah Beardsley was declared dead. 

Jamie saw Claire take off her surgical cap and run out off of the OR. He followed her and tried to reach her, as she was running towards the nearest exit. 

“Claire!” He called out, but she didn’t turn back.   
It was only a few minutes later when he found her at the back of the hospital, near the entrance. She was crying, and by the sound of it, she was having trouble breathing. When she heard him, she turned her back to him. “Go away!” she said, between two hiccups. Jamie did the contrary, taking took a step closer to her. His hand reached tentatively to her arm. “It's fine,” she said and wiped her tears with the palm of her hand. “I’m just tired.”

“It’s okay, Claire…” he whispered. “It’s okay if it affects you.”

She turned around to look at him, her eyes red. 

“Come here.” He opened his arms to her and she accepted the invitation. She snuggled under his chin and held him tight, tears streaming helplessly down her cheeks. “How am I supposed to announce it to his brother?” 

He realized then, the reason of her nervousness before the surgery, her fear of something going wrong. He remembered her telling him about the police coming at her door with her uncle, telling her parents had died. Now she was to play that role. 

His hand ran up, cupping her head, and he gently stroked her soft curls, murmuring things in Gaelic she didn’t understand, but seemed to calm her. Minutes later, she moved away to look at him. 

“I don’t even know what happened,” she said. She wasn’t crying anymore, but seemed lost and helpless. Jamie didn’t want to let her go, he wanted to keep her in his arms forever. “I should go talk to Doctor Hildegarde… And to Josiah Beardsley.”

“Do ye want me to come wi’ ye?” Jamie asked. 

She shook her hand and took a deep breath. “No, I have to do this on my own.” She tried to smile reassuringly at him, but failed completely. “Go home, get some rest.”

“Ye’re sure?” He asked but he could see that she had made up her mind. 

***

The day after the death of Keziah Beardsley I stayed in bed until noon. I had slept for almost fourteen hours, waking up to death dreams of the Beardsleys.

When I finally decided to get out of bed, surrendering to Adso’s cries, I saw that I had received three voicemails from Jamie. All of them asking me to stop by his place as soon as possible. He’d said it was important, but I still didn’t want to leave my apartment.

At some point later, tough, I finally got into the shower, got dressed and drove to Jamie’s flat. I was welcomed warmly by him, surprising me with a tight embrace that made my knees go weak.

‘’I’m glad ye came. Are ye alright, Claire?’’ he asked and I nodded, crossing my arms on my chest. It was cold in his place, or perhaps it was the constant goosebumps that had not left me since Keziah’s death. 

“Do ye want something to drink?” I shook my head and Jamie invited me to sit on the couch. “I talked to Doctor Hildegard about Jack Randall. After ye told me to leave, yesterday. I told her I thought Randall was the reason why Keziah died.” I made a face and he lifted his hands in front of him. “I ken, I didna ken anything about doctors and all, but during the operation, ye could see something was off wi’ him.”

I nodded. I had thought that too. “You should have stayed out of this, Jamie. There’s always an investigation when a patient dies and -“

“I also searched his locker.”

It took me some time to register the information. “You what?”

“Aye…” He blushed. “I suspected him of maybe being drunk. And I found what I was looking for: a bottle of the finest single malt whisky of Scotland. Half empty.”

I closed my eyes, trying to push the anger away. “You mean he was drunk? While we operated on Beardsley?” 

“Aye, I think so.” He nodded emphatically.

“But… I would’ve noticed… Geillis would’ve notice… Hell, everyone in the room would have noticed!” I said, but couldn’t stop thinking that Jamie might be right. 

“Ye had yer wee surgery masks on and were verra concentrated on yer work.”

“You should’ve talked to me before going to see Hildegarde.”

“Trust me, Claire, I wanted to. But ye were so shook by the events...”

I stayed in silence, thinking things through. Maybe Jamie thought it would help me feel better about it, blaming Randall for the boy’s death, but it did the contrary. If Jamie was indeed right, I felt terrible not noticing my own colleague’s incapability. “Damn,” I growled, feeling my throat tighten. 

“Claire, dinna fash now.” Jamie came closer and put his hand on my arm. “I talked to a friend, a lawyer, Ned Gowan. He’ll help us know the truth.”

I nodded, swallowing. He was right, after all. “That’s why you called me?”

“Aye. But I also figured ye’d be spending yer weekend in yer wee apartment, moping about this story. So I wanted to ask ye if ye wanted to go out with me? We could go get an ice cream or just take a walk? If you wish to.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “That’s very kind, Jamie.”

“What do ye prefer, then?” He asked with a lopsided smile. 

“Well…” I thought, feeling my heart slowly beating steadier. “What about you show me how to cook the cake you brought me the other day?”


	10. Crystalline Knowledge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I first posted this chapter on Tumblr in two parts. Here, it's in one part.

Jonathan Randall got suspended after Keziah Beardsley’s death. As much as Doctor Hildegarde tried to keep it under wraps, I knew they were investigating on him and that the hospital director wanted to vindicate the anesthesiologist, while publicly showing as little bias for Randall as possible.

Jamie followed me around in the hospital, walking by me easier, his leg slowly getting better after his car accident. ‘’When do ye think we’ll know?’’ he asked once we were alone in my office.

I closed the door behind him and went to sit at my desk. “Soon, I hope.’’

“Do ye ken where is Randall?’’

I shrugged. The truth was that I was trying not to think about him. Since the lad’s death, I could barely sleep at night, waking up to nightmares of a hurt Josiah, accusing me of killing his brother. He was usually standing in a pool of blood, the corpse of his brother in his arms.

‘’Don’t tell me ye still think it’s yer fault.’’ Jamie sat in the chair next to my desk, his chair, looking intently in my eyes. ‘’Now ye ken that it was Randall’s fault. The lad was asleep even before ye set foot in the OR.’’

I looked up at Jamie and sighed. I knew he wanted to make me feel better, as he always did. But he couldn’t understand that even though I knew it wasn’t my fault he died, I couldn’t stop thinking that I could have prevented it. “I was the one in charge of the surgery. I should have known something was wrong from the beginning. I should’ve known he was drunk.”

Jamie shook his head and lay back on his chair. ‘’Ye’re even more pig headed than my sister.’’

My mouth curved involuntary and I saw him smiling back. “Dinna fash, Claire.’’ He took my hand in his, stroking my knuckles with his thumb. Something inside me tightened at the feel of his touch, goosebumps forming across my spine. His gaze was deep and kind and I nodded, face flushed with the heat of the moment.

“I should be going.’’ he said what I thought was hours later, but it was actually only a few seconds.

Surprised, I took my hand off his and nodded, feeling ridiculous. ‘’Yes,’’ I coughed. ‘’Good night.’’ I looked up at him to see the kindest smile in the world, making me melt inside.

‘’Good night.’’ He started to walk towards the door, but turned around, his hand on the door handle. ‘’Claire… When ye go to sleep tonight, dinna think about it.’’

‘’I won’t.’’ I promised, as much for him as for me.

Jamie smiled at me and left.

***

I decided to spend some time at the A&E with Geillis before heading home. After Keziah’s death I tried to delay going back home as much as possible. I took double shifts and most of the time slept in the break rooms. All I wanted was to work until my brain would stop functioning. At home I would be left alone with my dark thoughts and dreams of a young boy’s death.

‘’Have ye sleep with Jamie yet?’’ Geillis asked me during our short break.

“Geillis…’’ I rolled my eyes, but didn’t reply.

‘’Oh, just admit it, Claire! Ye have the right to want him, it won’t make ye look less worthy or less professional.’’

I didn’t want to discuss it, but with my glass face flushed it didn’t take long for Geillis to read my thoughts. Her eyes bulged out of her head. ‘’So ye slept wi’ him?’’ She asked coming closer, eager to learn more.

“No!’’ I whispered loudly.

‘’But ye want to,’’ she smiled. ‘’Ah! Finally ye admit it, good God. Do ye ken that ye didna fool anyone wi’ yer wee act?’’

‘’What are you even talking about?’’ I asked, scandalized.

She rolled her eyes, still smiling because of my confession. “I’m talking about ye, pretending ye dinna care about the lad and acting like he was annoying all the time. Ye might fooled everyone else, but ye didna fool me, Claire. I’ve seen the way ye looked at him. Oh, aye. It’s like ye’re undressing him wi’ yer eyes.’’

‘’I…’’ I didn’t know what to say. Even if I’d tried to lie to her, she would detect it straight away.

‘’It’s fine, Claire! The lad is… well ye know. Ye shouldn’t wait, though. Tonight dinna go home, go to his place instead.’’

‘’What if…’’ I started, then shook the thought away. “Anyway.’’

‘’What if what?’’ She asked, her face coming closer to me, as if she would read the answers in my eyes.

‘’What if he… What if he doesn’t…” I stopped. “Want me?’’ It came out as a faint whisper.

Geillis laughed, and a few heads turned towards us with disapproving looks. ‘’Oh, please! The lad is following ye around all the time, watching every move you make, and he wrote the most praising article about ye. You really haven’t seen the way he looks at ye? If he doesna want ye, Claire, then I’m no’ red headed!’’

I blushed, feeling pleased by her answer. “Anyway.” I said. It won’t happen.’’

She rolled her eyes -again- with a dramatic sigh. ‘’And why not?’’

‘’Because… It wouldn’t work. I can’t sleep with him while he writes the articles and I can’t… Anyway it’s like he works in the hospital so it wouldn’t be right for me to be with him. It’s not allowed.’’

‘’Screw the rules.” She read something else on my face and stopped. ‘’What else?’’

‘’Well, I wouldn’t want to lose what we have.’’

She made an incredulous face, my argument totally unexpected.

‘’What is it that ye two have that could be lost?’’

‘’A friendship.’’

‘’No, what ye and I have is a friendship. What ye and Jamie have is a repressed sexual attraction that could end up in something quite amazing. If ye never try it, ye might also lose this friendship, because let me tell ye that Jamie wants something more.’’

I looked away, thinking, when my eye caught a flash of red. I walked towards it without conscious thought, to see the curly red hair on top of a head I knew all too well. The head was laid on a stretcher, linked to a body covered with soot and blood.

‘’Jamie…’’ I whispered and ran to him. ‘’What happened?’’ I asked, alarmed, my eyes darting from Jamie’s body to the doctor next to him. Jamie was lying on his belly, unconscious, his white t-shirt striped off his back,covered with blood. In all this mess, I could see the fresh deep cuts on the skin of his back.

‘’He was caught in a conflagration. The witnesses said he jumped out of the window.’’

Geillis came by my side and before I could put my hands on Jamie, she grabbed my arm and took me away. ‘’Let me go to him!’’ I cried, tears blinding me.

‘’Let Doctor MacQuarrie do it, ye canna do it yerself. Come wi’ me.’’

I wanted to explain to her that I should be the one to be by Jamie’s side, but the words wouldn’t form in my mouth. The world kept going, but I was stuck in another dimension, seeing Jamie’s limp body slowly taken away from me. I stretched a hand towards him, but it fell empty on my side.

‘’Come.’’ Geillis walked me to a break room. She was trying to be calm, but I could see the worry on her face too.

***

Hours later, I was sitting in the waiting room with Ellen MacKenzie and Fergus, who was asleep with his head on her lap. The sun was starting to go up in the sky, lighting and warming the room.

Jamie was not in danger. He was still in the hands of the doctors, working on his back. Fortunately, Ellen was at Jocasta’s and Fergus was sleeping at a friend’s house when the fire happened. Now the only thing threatening at the moment was an after-surgery infection. MacQuerrie was stitching him and even though I knew I could trust him, I was still terribly worried about Jamie.

***

When Jamie woke up the following morning, Claire wasn’t next to him.

‘’You’re awake!’’ said an english accent. He looked up to see the nurse Dunsany standing next to his morphine stock.

‘’Water,’’ he said, his voice hoarse.

‘’Of course!’’ she said and put a gentle hand on his arm, but the look he gave her sent a shiver down her spine. She coughed and straightened back.

Jamie closed his eyes, finding that the light coming through the window was too much, and opened them again only when Claire finally walked in.

‘’Jamie,” she seemed relieved to see him. She sat on the chair next to his bed, but didn’t touch him this time. “How are you?’’

‘’Not sae bad.’’

She smiled and he realized she was wearing her corduroy red coat. ‘’Ye went home?’’

‘’Yes. I went to shower and feed my cat.’’

‘’Ye should sleep.’’ He said in a whisper. ‘’Ye look tired.’’

‘’So do you.’’

Dunsany entered with a glass of water, gave Claire a cold, disapproving look and put the glass next to Jamie. ‘’It’s fine. I’ll help him.” Claire said in a glacial voice before the nurse exited the room.

Jamie tried to move, but Claire stopped him, putting a hand on his arm, flashes of last night’s touches flickering in his mind. She took the glass and guided the straw to his mouth. Jamie took a long sip, ending up choking.

“Careful,” Claire said softly, waiting for him to find his normal breath back.

“Will I be alright?’’ he asked. “I dinna want to stay in this hospital bed forever. Will I… Will I walk again?’’

‘’Of course!” she exclaimed with a reassuring smile. “Of course. The cuts are not deep,” she added. “But you will probably have marks on your back for a while.”

He nodded. ‘’Will I get out soon?’’

‘’Doctor MacQueerie will tell you all about it.’’ They looked each other in silence for a moment, before his hand reached for hers. He started to gently stroke her fingers, noticing how her breath became faster.

‘’Jamie!”

Claire took her hand back and he looked up to see a small brown haired woman with a blond man walk into the room. She stood up, leaving them room to be on Jamie’s side.

‘’How are ye, brother?’’ The woman asked him, crouching next to Jamie.

‘’Good, now that I see ye,’’ he joked, making her laugh in relief.

She looked up at Claire and smiled politely. ‘’Are ye the doctor in charge of him?’’

‘’Oh, no. I’m -’’

‘’I ken who ye are, Claire.’’ She said, surprising her with her familiarity. ‘’Jamie didn’t stop talking about ye since the day he met ye.’’

‘’It’s not true,’’ Jamie said, face buried in his pillow.

‘’Dinna listen to him.’’ The woman said with a smile. ‘’It’s a pleasure to finally meet ye. I’m Jenny, Jamie’s sister.’’

The surgeon shook her hand, glad to see the famous Jenny Fraser Murray. ‘’Yes, nice to meet you. Jamie talks about you and your husband all the time.”

‘’It’s not true,” Jamie said again.

“Ian Murray.” Jenny’s husband told me, shaking my hand.

Jamie spent about an hour with his sister and best friend, until Claire entered his room to change his bandages.

‘’Sleep a bit, we’ll come back.’’ Jenny said before she and Ian exited the room.

Claire closed the curtain for intimacy and helped Jamie sitting up. ‘’How are you feeling?’’ she asked, walking behind him to open his hospital gown.

‘’I’m glad to be alive, but I don’t have a house anymore.” He grunted when she started unwrapping his back.

‘’Where will you go?’’

“I dinna ken yet. I have to speak to my insurance. My mother will go at Jocasta’s -her sister, that is- until we find a new home and Fergus and I will probably go in a hotel.”

“I have an extra bedroom, if you want.’’ She said, making him smile shyly.

The sight of his back was horrible, covered with long red cuts, towards every directions. It must hurt like hell, she thought.

“What does it look like?’’ Jamie asked after a moment. “Is it verra bad?”

“Not so pretty,” she said honestly.

Claire started cleaning up the cuts, making him groan in pain. “Do doctors generally do that?” he asked in a breath.

“More often it’s the nurses. You’re a special patient, though.”

“Admit it,” he said, his body contracting in pain. “Admit it that ye only wanted to see me topless. Ye should just have asked, I would have stripped for ye,” he joked between clenched teeth.

She laughed, amused, and finished cleaning his wounds before wrapping his back again. “In a week, you will start to move easier. It will take time, though, before the scars heal completely.

He nodded and she put the top of his grown up. Claire went to sit in the chair next to him, facing her patient.

“When will I be able to shower or take a bath?”

“Not now, it will be too painful. You’ll have to stick on cleaning just the most important parts.” Claire said, her cheeks turning pink.

“Will I have some assistance?” He said playfully.

“If you need it, yes. I’m sure Dunsany will run to help you,” she joked, feeling her stomach tightening at the idea of Dunsany being around a naked Jamie.

“So my special treatment has limits?” he asked with a grin.

The surgeon blushed deeply, that only made his smile grow wider. “Well… If you insist,” she said getting up and stretching a hand at him.

“What? Now?” he asked confused.

She nodded and it was his turn to blush. “Nae, I’m fine to wash on my own. I’m not that old, yet.” He stayed silent for a moment. “It was Randall who put the fire in my flat. When I went home last night he was waiting there, stinking drunk. I told him to leave, but he started to scream and threw his whisky bottle on the wall. I didn’t notice anything until I smelled smoke in the house. I was in my bedroom, so I got out, trying to find where the fire was. I panicked and tried to get out but the door was locked… So was the window… So I… Jump through it.” She saw the memories of the fire dancing on his face. “It’s a good thing Fergus and my mother werena there. Claire,” he said, “I want to kill him,” he said, his blue eyes almost black.

“I know.”

***

Almost two weeks later, Jamie was walking and moving normally again. It was still painful when he sat or lied on his back, but he was getting better, the cuts healing fast. The journalist was living with Fergus in a hotel near the hospital, while his mother stayed with her sister’s.

Jamie had found a really nice apartment, right between the hospital and Fergus’ school and planned to move there in the following month. They had lost everything in the fire; Fergus’ only memories of his parents, Jamie’s pictures with his father. Everything, apart from Ellen’s pearl necklace, that she’d given to Jamie some years before.

“I’m thinking about painting it blue. Like Scotland. But I would also like to paint red and yellow, like the Fraser tartan.” He was sitting next to me in my office, and I was trying to do some paperwork while he was decorating his flat in his mind.

“Yes, pretty. Why don’t you go home? You hate it when I do paperwork.” I crossed my arms on my chest.

“I know… But it’s even more boring when I’m in that hotel room. Fergus usually goes to a friend after school where they can play video games or play outside. I’ve watched all the movies on the hotel’s TV and my books are all… Well, ashes.”

“Well that’s flattering. You stay here because you have nothing better to do.” I said, going back to my notes just after I saw him smiling.

We stayed in silence for a moment, until Jamie spoke in a more serious tone. “At least now I can sleep at night, knowing Randall won’t ever operate again.”

There had been a big scandal in the hospital following the fire at Jamie’s and the death of Keziah Beardsley. Randall had been found guilty of the boy’s death and for almost killing Jamie Fraser. A long trial coming for him, but since he wasn’t allowed to go near Jamie, I was relieved. Jamie had met with Sandringham after the accusations and was “asked” not to write about the scandal in his article if he still wanted to follow me. And he’d complied with the “request”.

About an hour later, I finished my paperwork and started packing up to go home. Jamie was doing the same and I didn’t stop looking at him, trying to finally form the words in my mouth.

“Jamie,” I finally said once we were in the parking lot. It was painful, walking without a stick again, two months after his car accident, but he walked more easily than before. “I wanted to ask you something.”

We had reached my car and I turned to face him in the middle of the deserted parking lot.

“What is it?”

“Have you ever been to this small restaurant where they serve breakfast all night long?”

“No. Is it good?”

“Well, I like it. It’s a very charming restaurant, and the food is delicious,” I said nervously and he nodded, not seeing where I was heading to. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is… Well it’s your birthday soon, so I wanted to take you out.”

I saw his face changing, a big smile coming to set on his mouth. “Of course. Thank you.”

It was my turn to smile, reassured. “We could go… The day after your birthday? You’re probably doing something with your family on your birthday, so… You’ll tell me.”

He nodded with a happy grin. “Aye. The day after is perfect for me.”

“Alright, then. Goodnight,” I said, opening my car’s door.

“Goodnight, Claire.”


	11. La Dame Blanche

I walked down the hospital hallway, phone in hand, broad smile on my face. It was Friday and I had the day off, but I needed to finish the paperwork that had piled up on my desk during the week. Joe and I were going to Boston for a few days at the end of May and if I wanted to leave in peace, I had to finish filling all those files.

“Someone is in a good mood.” 

I looked up to see Geillis smiling at me, a chart held against her chest. 

“Hey,” I said, skipping her comment on my mood. “How are you?”

“What are ye doing here? Ye’re not working today.” 

The moment I’d started explaining, my phone buzzed in my hand. I looked at the screen to find another silly message from Jamie and I felt my cheeks turn red, but acted as if it was nothing. Since Geillis had given my phone number to Jamie, we were texting from time to time. That morning, he had finished working on his second article and had sent it to his uncle/editor. In contrast with the previous article, this time I wasn't worried at all about what he had written in it. 

“Where's yer Writer boy?” Geillis asked looking around, searching for the tall, red headed highlander. “Yer not going out wi’ him for his birthday?”

I looked up at her, startled. “How-”

“Everyone in the hospital knows, Claire. The nurses are all waiting for the next gossip. Dunsany says he won't show up and let ye down, but the blonde one says ye’ll end up in bed wi’ him.”

I closed my eyes, swearing in my head. Since Jamie had come to the hospital, most of the nurses that spent too much time around Dunsany had their scenarios about the nature of the relationship between Jamie and me. Of course, the possibility of him just following me for his articles had never crossed their minds. “For fucks sake,” I said at last.

“Ye know, Claire, it’s only the nurses who gossip like that. But some people, mostly staff and some patient, call ye La Dame Blanche.”

“La what?” I frowned. 

“La Dame Blanche. The white witch.”

“I know, but why?”

“Because of the way Jamie follows ye, like ye had cast a spell on him. Oh, and because of yer medical talent, and yer love of herbs. They say ye’re a wise woman.”

“Scotland.” I sighed. I thought these superstitions were dated back in the 18th century, but apparently, they were still very present nowadays. 

“Anyway. If ye finally enchant yer writer to yer bed, tell me, aye?”

“Never.” I smiled and went to my office. 

***

I didn't stay long at work, unable to concentrate on what had to be done. I could only think of my evening with Jamie, the thousands of different scenarios of our night out. 

We had decided to meet directly at the restaurant at eight, and I hoped Jamie would like the restaurant I had chosen. I was nervous. I didn't know what to wear, how to do my hair, whether I should shave of not. I wanted this dinner to be simple, but I also wanted to surprise Jamie. I wanted to dress up, like he had never seen me before, and most of all, I wanted him to think I looked pretty. 

Things were different between us since that first night Jamie spent at the hospital, after the fire at his apartment. Staying in the waiting room with Ellen and Fergus during Jamie’s surgery had given me plenty of time to think. And the thought that he could have died made me realize that time was precious and I should just tell him how I felt. 

‘’He’ll be fine.’’ Ellen said, giving me a tired but warm smile. ‘’He’s a strong lad.’’

‘’I know,’’ I said, my voice hoarse in my throat. She took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

I knew he would be alright, but I still had that pinching in my stomach that wouldn’t go away, but instead intensified as the hours went by. Finally, hours later, MacQuerrie came to see us, with an exhausted but relieved smile on his face. ‘’He’s alright. The cuts are stitched and he’s stable, even though he’ll have a burning sensation on his back once he wakes up.” He paused, looking at Ellen. “And probably marks for life. I’m sorry, it couldn’t be avoided.’’

After thanking MacQuerrie, we went to see Jamie. He was still asleep for a while, his mother and son patiently waiting by his side. I stayed behind the glass windows, looking at the reunited family. Ellen’s tired face was filled with tears, both of pain and relief, at the sight of her waking son. He was lying on his belly, with his face turned towards her. I couldn’t see him from where I was standing, but the relieved expression on his family’s faces was enough for me to take a deep breath for the first time since I saw him lying on that stretcher, so many hours ago.

Ellen and Fergus stayed with him for about five minutes before heading back to the waiting room. A moment later, Dr. MacQuerrie was next to me. ‘’He needs rest, but maybe ye should go see him first. Ye were the one he asked for when he woke up.’’

I felt my throat tighten, and swallowed hard. I nodded, took a deep breath, and entered the room. Jamie was asleep and I sat on the chair next to his bed, gently stroking his red curls. Tears were filling up my eyes, but I didn’t want to cry. I couldn’t cry in front of him, especially when he was in such a state. Jamie slowly opened his eyes and a weak lopsided smile lit his face when he saw me. ‘’Sassenach,’’ he whispered, and closed his eyes again. ‘’I never thought I’d see yer wild curly hair again.’’

All my efforts not to cry went in vain, and I felt tears streaming down on my face. ‘It’s okay,’’ I said, my hand still stroking his hair.

‘’I’m sae tired,’’ he said, his face twitched in pain. ‘’I canna feel my back.’’ He moved his fingers, inviting my hand in his. When I reached for his hand he grabbed it and pressed his fingers against mine, but his grip was weak for hands as strong as his. ‘’I was sae afraid to die.’’

‘’But you didn’t die. You’re alive, Jamie.’’

‘’When I heard yer voice, Sassenach, worried as it was, I really thought I was dead. For ye to worry about me would be something happening only in heaven.’’

I couldn’t help but smile and he opened his eyes, smiling softly at me. ‘’I kent well I was alive when I felt the pain in my back, though.’’

‘’You should sleep, Jamie. We’ll talk later.’’

‘’Dinna leave…’’ He pleaded and I nodded before he closed his eyes. ‘’It was Randall,’’ he said in a whisper, then his face relaxed and he fell asleep.

I wasn’t sure whether I heard correctly or not. It was Randall? Randall that started the fire? But no matter what Jamie had said, I decided that we would think about it later. For now, all that mattered was that Jamie was alive and that I was there with him. I didn’t stop stroking his head until I fell asleep myself, my face on the mattress the next to his.

***

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally left work and went home to get ready. I decided to put on a red dress I had never wore before. It was simple, but sexy, and made my ass look good. The neckline was pretty deep, ending between my breasts, revealing enough to make you desired, but also leaving enough to imagination. Once I was finally dressed, it was too late to do something with my hair, so I simply put them in a bun. 

I didn't plan on ending the dinner at my house. I hadn’t cleaned up the place, I hadn't changed the sheets and in general, had done none of the thing I usually do when I expected visitors. This way I was sure I wouldn't be tempted to invite him home. 

Kissing Adso goodbye, I closed the door behind me and walked to the restaurant where Jamie would be waiting for me. 

***

“Are you nervous, Milord?” Fergus followed Jamie everywhere at Jocasta’s while his father was getting ready for his date. “Have you never gone out wi’ a woman before?”

“Fergus!” Jamie turned to his son. “Leave me alone to get ready, aye? Ye dinna want yer Da to look like a fool, do ye?”

Jamie closed the door, leaving Fergus out of the master bedroom where Jocasta kept her late husband’s - her late third husband’s - clothing. He opened the dressing room doors and looked at all the shirts hanging there, his shower towel around his waist. “I'll look like a grandda.” Jamie grunted. 

The clock was running out and he didn't have much time to get ready for his date. He tried to tell himself it wasn't an actual date, it was just Claire being nice for his birthday, but still, he knew he had a chance. 

Fergus opened the door and walked into the room. Jamie turned to his son, looking desperate. “I dinna ken what to wear,” Jamie sighed. “All my clothes are burned and these....”

Fergus came by his side, looking into the wardrobe. “Your late uncle had a really… ordinary tastes in clothing.”

“There must be something I could wear.”

“You should have thought about it earlier.” The French boy scolded him. 

Jamie gave him a deadly look and shook his head. “I’ll find something.”

***

When I entered the restaurant I saw Jamie at a table in the back, with his back at me. He didn't see me, as I came by his side. “Hello,” I said, with a hand on his shoulder. 

He turned and stood up. He looked startled at the beginning, before his eyes traveled from my head to feet, making the tips of his ears turn red when his stare lingered on my neckline. “Looking good, Doctor Beauchamp.”

Please by his answer, I blushed. “I… could say the same.” I said, looking at his brown corduroy pants and the green old shirt.

It was his turn to go red and he smiled, embarrassed. “Jocasta’s husband’s clothes. He… was stuck in the seventies, I think.”

I laughed, which seemed to reassure him. “This look actually fits you well.” 

“I don't look like an old man?”

I shook my head and we sat around the table. After ordering our meal, we fell into a strange silence. This date had a meaning for both of us, but neither of us wanted to talk about it. 

“So how was your birthday?” I asked Jamie, sipping from my glass of wine. 

“Great,” he smiled. “Fergus and I went at my aunt’s. She made a big birthday cake and my mother cooked for us. It was really nice.”

“Does your mother have other sisters?”

“She did. Janet and Flora, but both of them are dead. She has two more brothers alive, though. Colum, my editor, and Dougal, a doctor in Inverness who we see once a year.”

He talked about his mother’s family and I felt like I was listening to a medieval tale, something unique in Jamie’s family that really drew me in. I didn't know much about my own family, and hearing him talk about his gave me an illusion that I belonged somewhere. 

“I really like it here,” Jamie said, some time later. “Thank ye for taking me out.” 

“My pleasure. I mean… We're friends after all.”

“Yes,” he nodded with a shy smile.

He was searching my eyes for an answer to an unasked question, for a hint that would show we were something more than that. But for once, my glass face didn't betray me. 

“I have a gift for you,” I said, opening my bag. 

“Something else?’’  
“Yes. Or something more.” I felt my face turn red. “I bought you something.”

I took a nicely wrapped gift from my bag and handed it to him, excited to see his reaction to it. It wasn't much, but I was pretty sure he was going to love it. 

“The entire work of Charles Baudelaire.” Jamie read, happily surprised once he had unwrapped it. “Mine burned in the fire.”

“I know, that's why I bought it. You mentioned more than once that he is your favourite writer, so…”

He opened the book to the table of contents and looked up at me with a childish grin. “There are more poems here than in mine. Some I have never read. Thank ye so much, Claire.”

I smiled, pleased. “My pleasure.”

The waiter came back with dessert, and we ate in a now pleasant silence, simply enjoying each other’s presence. 

“I'm glad to see that ye listen when I talk.” Jamie said, taking a big bite. 

I laughed. “You speak all the time. I don't listen to all of it, but sometimes I do.”

Jamie shook his head, laughing. “Well, I suppose it's a beginning.”

We kept on talking until the waiter came to tell us that the restaurant was closing. I went to pay and then joined Jamie outside. It was rather cold, and I realized that I had left in such a hurry that I had forgotten my coat at home. I crossed my arms over my chest, and we started walking. I didn’t really know where we were heading - definitely not to my house and not to his hotel. When Jamie took my hand in his and stroked it with his thumb, I felt electric shocks running through my body. 

I wasn’t cold anymore.

We kept walking, my hand in his. I didn’t really understand the intimacy between us, but now I knew that I had been absurdly pushing it away instead of facing it, instead of admitting that I had feelings for Jamie, as he did for me. I knew I should try to give it a go, but I was scared. After my parents died, I had built a wall keeping me safe from ever being hurt again. The only person I had let in was Frank and he had broken me into pieces. Even if I tried to keep Jamie out, it was if he had built a door though it, or climbed on a ladder. And the more time we spent together, the more I wanted this wall to break down.

I knew Jamie was different from the first time I saw him. I knew that if I let him in, he wouldn’t break me, but heal me.

“Where are we going?’’ I asked him, a moment later, breaking the silence between us.

‘‘I’d like to take ye somewhere, if ye dinna mind.’’

‘‘Where?’’

He smiled at me. ‘‘Ye’ll see.’’


	12. Meeting Louise / The Sassenach

Jamie had started talking about movies as we walked the Clyde Arc, and I bit my lip, unsure if I should reveal the truth to him.

‘‘I don’t really watch movies,’’ I finally said.

Jamie shook his head, saying, ‘‘And it’s a pity.’’ He stopped then, leaning on the rail and I stood next to him, looking at the water, coloured by the bridge’s lights. ‘‘I like to come here,” he said. “When I dinna ken what to write.’’ He went silent for a moment. Our arms were aligned, barely touching. ‘‘Can I tell ye something? A secret?’’ he asked.

I looked up at him, a corner of my mouth curling up. ‘‘What? You’re married? You’re a criminal? You actually kidnapped Fergus?’’

He laughed and shook his head. ‘‘No. But promise me ye willna tell anybody. And I know… I’ve told yer secret -’’

‘‘No, Jamie. You wrote it in a paper for the world to see.’’ I teased him and he blushed, ashamed. I smiled at him warmly and poked his arm. ‘‘Hey. Jamie. I forgave you, don’t worry about it. And yes, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone.” Then I added, as an afterthought, “Maybe Joe. But Joe won’t say it to anyone.’’

His gaze met mine and he smiled. I hadn’t realized that my fingers were drawing patterns on his arm. ‘‘I’m a writer.,’’ he finally said.

I didn’t say anything, waiting for something more, but he was looking at me with a grimace, as if he’d relieved something totally unexpected. ‘‘Ah… I know that…’’

‘‘I mean… I’m a novelist.’’

‘’Really?’’ I said, rather surprised at last. ‘‘I’ve never read your name anywhere. I mean… on book covers. Why is this a secret?’’

‘‘My name isna there, because I write under a pseudo.’’ he said, looking at the water, twisting his fingers nervously. 

‘‘Really?’’ I couldn’t help but smile. ‘‘Anything I might have read?’’

His eyes met mine. ‘‘Perhaps. Does Louise de Latour ring a bell?”

“Yes, I’ve heard of her. Why?”

He gave me a suggestive look.

I kept silent, taking his answer in. Jamie was looking at me with scared puppy eyes and I couldn’t help but burst out a laugh. He looked at me scandalized at first, but then joined me. ‘‘I’m so sorry.’’ I said, brushing the tears away from my eyes. ‘‘I was just… not expecting this.’’

‘’I understand.’’ He kept a straight face, but I saw the corner of his mouth twitch up.

‘‘But Jamie, it’s amazing!’’ I said, sober once more. ‘‘Louise de Latour is a best selling romance novelist! You made it to the New York Times Best Sellers list.’’

‘‘Looks like I have a fan,’’ he said, smiling.

I felt my cheeks go red. ‘‘I read the papers,’’ I simply answered. ‘‘But Jamie… Why do you write romantic books under the name of a french Lady?’’

‘‘Well, it started about seven years ago. I was still studying and I started writing novels to make some money . After I finished writing The Heart of the Cursed Bride, my first novel, I sent it to my uncle and he went through his contacts. My actual book editor accepted to publish it, but I didn’t want it to be published under my real name. I didn’t want it to have a bad effect on my journalist career.” He stopped, and looked at me. “What? Why are you smiling like that?’’

I chuckled. ‘‘I’m so sorry Jamie. I just find it cute.’’

‘‘Cute?’’ He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. I mean, Louise de Latour… I wouldn't have thought you were so romantic. Didn't you say you’ve never really been into a real relationship?”

“Well, yes.” His blushed even more, probably regretting telling me his secret. “But I can still write about it. Have ye read the books?”

“A few of them, yes.”

“And ye enjoyed reading them?”

“I did like them. Why are you telling me this?”

He didn’t reply at first, just looked at the water under the bridge. “I tell you this, because I’m publishing one this week. I started writing it just after meeting ye. Ye inspired me to write the character, and the story.”

“Really?” I felt my cheeks turn red. Worshiping articles and now a book? “Well… Thank you...”

He smiled and shrugged. “No need to thank me, Claire. It's the truth.”

Jamie turned to look at me, his gaze intense. Even if I wanted him more than anything in my life, I always felt trapped by his honesty about his feelings for me. Clearly he wanted me to say something, but I didn’t know what. 

“It's getting rather late,” I said, looking at my watch. “We should go.”

We walked in silence until we reached the crossroad where our way parted. “Thank ye for taking me out, Claire. I really appreciate it.”

“Happy birthday.” I stood awkwardly on my tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek. He smiled shyly and after saying goodbye, we walked on own ways. 

***

I didn't really get to see Jamie around the hospital the days after his birthday. With his latest novel coming out, he had a lot of work to do with his publisher. 

Geillis and I had gone back to her place for a refreshment after an hour of jogging at the park. “I feel like an old lady,” she said, falling on her couch. 

I stretched my legs feeling the same. “I don't know what’s the thing with running, seriously. How do people even do it on a regular basis?”

“Ask yer writer boy,” she said with a raised eyebrow, before taking a sip of her water. “He loves to run.”

“And how do you know that?”

“He told the nurses. They were all around him, asking how he was in such good shape. He proudly explained his training sessions, which include jogging.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well...”

“Ye should check it from closer.’’ She wiggled her eyebrows. “Tell me, Claire, how long has it been?”

“What?” I asked innocently, not looking at her. 

“What? Since the last time ye bedded someone.” She sighed, exasperated. 

“It's not of your business.”

“Aye. It is my business, yer my friend and I'm worried about yer health,” she said, and I chuckled, making her laugh as well. “I'm serious, though. Ye need some… excitement. Yer wasting the best years of yer life and ye have a verra handsome lad that's only waiting for ye to open the door and let him in. Don’t wait until yer too old to get some good di-” 

“Anyway, I have things to do today,” I said, rolling my eyes again, and got up. 

Geillis followed me to the door. “Ye’ll think about it?”

As we walked through the living room, my eye caught something. Louise de Latour. A whisky colour printed book on the coffee table: The Sassenach. 

“What's that?” I walked to take the book in my hand. 

“A book. Louise de Latour’s latest novel. Ye dinna ken her?” A smile appeared on her lips. “Take it. I just finished it, it was released this week. Maybe it will help ye.” 

“Thanks.”

***

I spent that rainy evening in my apartment, cleaning and preparing spaghetti for supper. Roused by the smell of the tomato sauce, Adso came to watch me from his favourite spot on the counter, waiting for a chunk of cooked meat. It was a relaxing Saturday night, my favorite kind, staying in the cocoon of my apartment, with some red wine and jazz music. 

When dinner was ready, I went straight into the living room and started a fire. There was a pile of about ten movies waiting for me under the television, all of them Jamie’s, who had found my lack of knowledge concerning cinema a real crime, and had decided to educate me on the matter. Halloween, Terminator one and two, Trainspotting, Le fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain, Annie Hall and La guerre des tuques, were some of the films he said I must watch before I die.

Seeing the DVDs made me think of him - again - and I wished he would be there with me.

I finished dinner and was ready to cuddle with Adso and watch a movie, when my gaze found Geillis’ book, Louise de Latour’s book. It was as if it waited for me to open it. And the title, The Sassenach, had made a current run down my spine when I first saw it. 

Instead of watching a movie, I sat in front of the fireplace with Adso sleeping at my feet, and opened the book. 

I read for hours, captivated in many ways by the story. It was set in 1743. An English lady appears out of nowhere, in a small town outside Edinburgh. Rumoured to be a wise woman, or a witch, she has a vast knowledge of medicine, more than any physician at that time, which raises doubts about her. A young writer, a certain Mr. McTavish, meets her after being kicked by a horse and, enchanted by her wisdom, starts to write a book about her. Of course, they fall in love. It was a great story, absolutely well written, and made me reconsider my snobbish disdain for romance novels. 

What actually made my hands shake was the description of both the Sassenach and the writer. 'Flames were dancing in the amber of her whisky coloured eyes, looking deep into his soul. She ran a hand in her wild, brown curls, thinking about the deal she was about to make.' 

Jamie didn't need to say he had been a wee bit inspired by me. I knew it right away, reading his amorous description of the caracters. 'He nervously ran an hand in his soft auburn curls, searching her eyes for a hint of interest in his invitation, but unfortunately found none. He knew the Sassenach was going to give him hard time, having him following each of her steps.' 

What made my heart beat faster was on page 266, when Mr McTavish comes into her surgery after a long day, travelling from Glasgow to the village under the rain. 'He was cold and tired, and it was then that she realized how much she had missed him. When it was said that Mr. McTavish would be writing about her, the Sassenach didn't think she would, at some point, enjoy having him around. He had promised her some money and she needed it to buy more herbs and ointments. So she had accepted, almost regretting it right away during the following days. But as time went by, she found herself inexplicably drawn to him, and even though she tried to push him away, she was bringing him closer to her heart. The week he was gone, she realized that there was an inexplicable bond between them.

So when he opened the door to her surgery, and she saw him there, she didn’t resist the urge to kiss him. His lips were cold and wet on hers, rain dripping from his hair. He was surprised by her move, but after a moment he deepened the kiss, his tongue seeking entrance into her mouth.' 

I swallowed, absentmindedly touching my lips, the ghost of Jamie’s lips on mine. 

'She led him to the small room she had in the back of her surgery. There was a fire burning low in the fireplace, litting the room, making their amorous shadow dance on the wall behind her bed. 

She gently took off his coat and let it fall on the floor. “Mistress…” he whispered.

“Don't say a word.” She kissed him again, trailing her lips on his jaw and neck, eliciting a moan from him. He had never been kissed like that before. 

They undressed each other slowly, shyly, asking permission before taking each layer off, as if they reveal a sacred secret. When her hand reached down on his belt, she met his gaze and took it off. His kilt felt on the floor and a small squeak of surprise left her lips, making him smile. 

“Ye dinna kent Scotsmen wear nothing under their kilts?”' I heard Jamie’s voice saying. 

'“Yes, but it's quite a surprise to see it.” Her hand gently grabbed his readiness, making him groan. 

“My turn,” he said in a whisper, pulling her shift down her shoulders, revealing her round breasts. His breath caught in his throat at the sight. The shift fell on the floor, exposing her naked body to him. “Yer sae beautiful.” His hand cupped her breast, gently massaging it. 

I realized I had been cupping my own breast. I momentarily dropped my hand on my lap, making Adso open one big eye to look at me. I went back to the book, my hands slightly shaking. 

She gently pushed him towards so Mister McTavish sit on the bed and keep her standing in front of him, his mouth reaching for her nipple. She ran a hand in his red curls, stroking the nape of his neck, urging him closer. She climbed onto his lap and he rolled them, so she was lying on her back. He kissed her then, hungry to taste her mouth. He had wanted to do so for so long, and her pushing him away had done nothing but increase his need of her. Now that she wanted him, he thought he would go mad with desire. 

“I must tell ye something.” He said, catching his breath. Her hands reached to grab his arse, giving him a firm squeeze that made him moan. “I'm a virgin.”

She blinked at him, but her mouth curled up into a shy smile. She grabbed his face between her palms and gently kissed him. That was all he needed, and he entered her with a powerful thrust, making her moan. It had been so long. 

He was a little awkward at first, but at some point, his rhythm became steady and he closed his eyes, face contorted in concentration, pleasure and wonder. It didn't take long for him to come, crying out and gracefully falling on top of her, his limbs heavy. 

He stayed there for a moment, breathing in her neck before turning to his side, exposing her body again. He opened his eyes and looked at her. The smile brightening her face was enough for him to fall asleep, content, his head resting on her breast.' 

The chapter ended, bursting the little bubble I found myself in. I swallowed, reaching for my glass of water with a shaky hand. All my body was wet, with sweat and need. I usually didn't react to sex scenes like that, but knowing that Jamie had written it thinking of me, made me go crazy and ready to take him at that moment. 

I stayed in a sort of daze, eyes fixed on the wall in front of me, listening to my own heartbeat between Adso’s soft breathing. I wanted him, alright. Now more than ever. But I was also a little embarrassed, feeling very naked, and didn't know how to react. I took my glasses off and ran my hands on my face. It was past two in the morning, but the last thing I wanted to do was to go to sleep. I went on with the next chapter, feeling the throbbing between my legs. 

'She woke up at some point during the night, feeling a sensation on her skin. Opening her eyes to the loving gaze of Mr. McTavish. His eyes were bright, with lust and desire. She didn't speak, just reached a hand and touched his chest, leaving goosebumps in her fingers’ wake. 

“How can I please ye?” he whispered. 

“What?” she asked in her thick English accent. 

“How can I please ye, the way ye pleased me?” His hand was stroking her arm, making her ache for more. 

“Well…” A smile appeared on her beautiful face. “You can do all of that, again. What we did earlier.”

“It pleases ye, then?”

She smiled and nodded shyly. “But there are… other ways to please your partner, as well.”

“Like what?”'

'They were lying on their sides, facing each other. Her hand left his chest to settle around his wrist. She brought it to her lips and kissed each of his long fingers with her eyes closed. She looked up at him, then, with a determined smile and brought their hands down. She guided his hand so it cupped the warmth between her legs. She sighed at the touch, and closed her eyes, guiding his index finger inside her.' 

Again, my hand moved without me noticing it. It was now resting between my own legs and this time I decided to leave it there. “Screw it,” I said and went on with my book. 

'She opened her eyes to see him looking at her with wonder, as he gently started stroking her.' 

So did I. 

'He was a fast learner and inserted a second finger when she started moaning, seeing her close her eyes only to open them again, hooded with lust.' 

So did I. 

'She started to move her hips, riding his fingers. He followed her, unable to keep steady seeing her like this. He was hard and wanted to join her, but what he wanted most, was to see her face when she’d reach oblivion. He felt her walls tighten around his fingers, and her hands reached for his shoulder, her nails scratching it painfully. He didn't care, though. When she came and cried out, releasing herself on him, the last thing he cared about was scratches. When she opened her eyes to look at him, he smiled proudly, and kissed her deeply before she returned the favour.'

My body was aching with need, but my mind was making me feel half embarrassed and half frustrated. I slowly closed the book and closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. I sighed and got up, Adso moving away from my feet, to continue his sleep undisturbed. 

I lay in bed, looking at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. Had Jamie really been imagining us like this? Probably. After all, the description of the Sassenach left no room for mistake. Jamie did want me like I did, and this thought reassured me as much as it scared me. He had taken the first steps towards me and now I had to meet him halfway. I had to make a decision. He wanted me to know what he felt for me. He told me he was Louise de Latour and he told me this books was inspired by me, because he wanted me to read it. He couldn't have been clearer. It was my turn now, to tell him that I wanted him, which was the truth, or that I didn't want him, which was the less scary thing to do.


	13. Muse

I knocked on Geillis’ door and entered without waiting for her to let me in. She was sitting in front of her computer, checking her emails. Fortunately, she was alone. 

“Claire! Good morning.” She smiled brightly, turning her chair around to face me. 

“I brought your book back.” I took the book from my bag and handed it to her. 

“Already?” She took it and put it into the desk’s first drawer. “And? Did ye enjoy reading it?”

“Yes, I did.” I tried to say it casually, but felt the blood rising under my skin. “It's well written. And it's a beautiful love story.”

“Aye,” she said, her eyes fixed on me with an analytic stare. 

“Thank you for letting me read it,” I said, and turned to leave hastily. 

“Wait, Claire.”

I closed my eyes, swearing in my head, but turned to face her with a smile. She clearly couldn’t have guessed that Jamie was Louise de Latour. “Yes?”

She pointed at the seat across from her for me to sit. When I did so, she crossed her arms, frowning at me. “This Louise de Latour… I did some research on her. Nobody ever saw her and everyone thinks she's writing under a pseudonym.”

“I don't know.” I said, a little uncomfortable.

“Do ye…think we know her?” She asked, raising one eyebrow. 

“What do you mean?” I swallowed, feeling that my face would betray me at any moment. 

“Like, do ye think we know who the real writer is?” Seeing that I wasn't answering, the corners of her mouth curled up slowly. “It's Jamie, aye?”

“Jamie? Fraser?” I asked blankly, but my deep blush made a wide grin appear on Geillis’ lips. 

“Oh! Aye, it’s him then. The bastard. And ye are The Sassenach, of course.”

“How do you know?” I exclaimed. 

“It wasn't so hard. First, the tall, whisky eyed, curly dark haired Sassenach doctor and a tall, red headed writer following her to write books? And then the Louise de Latour pseudo story… It made me do some research and I found out that the editor that publishes her, I mean, him is linked to Colum MacKenzie, Jamie’s uncle and editor for the Scots Magazine,” she said proudly, leaning back on her chair. “How did ye know?”

“He told me. He also said I had inspired him to write it,” I said, nervously twisting my fingers. 

Her mouth fell open. “Wow… Is that literate masturbation, then?”

“What?” I asked scandalized, the pitch of my voice too high. “Geillis…”

“I'm just saying, ye worried he didna fancy ye, right? Well, if ye still had doubts, now you can go free, my friend.” 

***

I was walking along the hallway, checking on my pad when Jamie caught up with me. “Claire!”

He was wearing a dark polo and black jeans, and he looked incredibly sexy - too sexy for a hospital, in my opinion. 

“I'm sorry I'm late. I had to go to the dentist wi’ Fergus. What did I miss?”

The sight of him reminded me of the book and of what I had done while readon it. I blushed, cursing myself for my glass face. “Not much,” I answered his question, trying to smile casually. 

“Are ye alright?” 

“Yes. Just horn- hungry, I mean,” I said, and he frowned his eyebrows with a smile. 

“Alright.”

We walked in an awkward silence to the cafeteria where Geillis, Joe, Stuart and Mary Hawkins were eating their lunches. I sat between Joe and Mary, facing Jamie sat reluctantly between Stuart and Geillis. They all greeted us, and continued their conversation about rugby until they they had nothing interesting to add.

“I've read a good book recently.” Geillis said, casually. 

Shit. 

“Aye? What book?” Jamie asked, truly interested in new literary discoveries. 

“The Sassenach.” She smiled proudly. 

I slowly looked up to Geillis from my glass of water. I shook my head, but she didn't stop, and her smile only grew wider. I kicked her ankle, but it was Stuart who turned to me. “Ouch! What was that for?”

“Sorry,” I muttered. 

“It's a really interesting novel. I really loved it. It's written by Louise de Latour. She has great trick with details. She writes beautifully.” Everybody nodded confused, not used to hear Geillis worship a book like that. “Claire read it too.”

I felt my blood run cold in my veins. I swallowed, but smiled nonetheless. 

“I didn't know you enjoyed romance novels?” Joe asked, truly surprised. 

I looked up to see Jamie looking at me with a quizzical look, a small curve on the side of his mouth. He knew, damn him. 

“I… Well. It depends. I read many kinds of books. I…” I cleared my throat. 

“It's a really good book.” Geillis continued. “We both enjoyed reading it. In fact, Claire read it in like a day, right?”

I nodded, not taking my eyes off my food plate, trying to hide my crimson red cheeks. 

“Alright,” Stuart said, confused, and went on talking about something I didn't listen to.

I spent the afternoon making rounds in the hospital, Jamie following me everywhere. The fact that he knew I had read his erotic novel weighted on my shoulders every time he looked at me, every time I felt his presence around me. And the bastard smiled, knowing what I was thinking. 

At the end of the day I was sitting in my office doing my paperwork, while Jamie was writing in his notebook. We were working in silence, but for the first time in a long while, the silence wasn't comfortable. It was heavy and loud. 

“I did like the book,” I said, looking up at him. 

“Great.” He smiled. “I'm happy ye did,” he said and went back to his writing, but I couldn't close this subject like that. 

“You said… You said I had...inspired you?” I asked, feeling my cheeks turn red as I said the words. 

“Aye,” he answered matter of factly, like my question had nothing to do with explicit scenes. “Ye’re feeling awkward because of the sex scene?” he asked, setting his pen on the table. 

“Scenes, yes. I just want to make sure we're on the same page.”

His smile was adorable. “Claire, ye don’t need to feel awkward because o’ it. I was inspired by ye to create the character. You are my muse, and I admire yer strength, yer wits, yer intelligence and yer kindness. But when I write, I don't write about ye personally. Dinna think I’ve imagined scenarios were we - ”

“Alright,” I interrupted him, awkwardly reaching for my purse. “Thanks for the enlightenment.” We stayed again in an awkward silence for a moment, and then I spoke again. “I'll leave now, I'm very tired.” 

“Do ye mind if I stay here for a wee bit?” Jamie asked. “I'd like to finish this before I go home.” 

“Sure, no problem.”

We said goodbye and I walked to my car, feeling ashamed of what I had thought and of what I had done. Jamie said he hadn’t imagined us in those scenes, but I had. Explicitly. I thought he had written them for me, but he hadn’t and I felt like a fool. 

What was I thinking? He was a professional writer who sells millions of copies around the world and I thought that he had written a book only for me, so I could think “Hey! Sex must be awesome with you. Why haven’t we tried it before?” Of course not. 

I entered my car and drove home, wishing Jamie had never told me about Louise de Latour and I had never asked him about those scenes, keeping the illusion that he had written the book to let me know he was in love with me.


	14. Boston

I was in Boston for almost a week. Being on holidays was absolutely amazing. I could wake up when I wanted, eat breakfast in bed, and even stay in bed all day long. Boston was beautiful and I had spent most of the days visiting the city with Joe. He had made a tour guide of himself, and we had a lot of fun. Like when we met his parents who were delighted to meet me for the first time, repetitively asking if there was any chance we ended up together. His parents had accepted that Joe was gay, but somehow they still hoped that he would change his mind about it.

I turned in my king sized bed, languorously stretching my sore legs after walking almost eight miles the day before. I appreciated my time away from work and away from Scotland. Not that I didn’t enjoy being a surgeon in Glasgow, but taking some time for myself was something I desperately needed. 

I tried not to think about Jamie as much as possible. There was a certain awkwardness between the two of us after the episode of the book. Maybe because I felt ashamed of the way I had interpreted his intentions or maybe because of the way I had reacted, but I could hardly look at him in the eye. While a part of me still believed that he had told me about the book to read the explicit sex scenes, he made me understand I was wrong about it and I felt embarrassed of taking the bait. 

His presence around me at work had become a weight on my chest, heavier than it had been when he first followed me. Not because he was being an ass asking his questions and doing as he wanted to, but because I had deep feelings for him that were not reciprocal. I had been pretty sure he had feelings for me, or rather Geillis had convinced me he had. But now, playing it all in my head, I felt like a fool. He was a journalist. It was his job to be interested in his subject. I was the heart of his next articles, that was what I was for him. A muse, an inspiration, but nothing more. It was naive to believe he had developed further feelings for me like I had, and I was ashamed by it, even if I couldn’t help but be hopeful he still felt something for me. 

I got out of bed and walked into the shower. No. I had promised myself I would not think about him during my holidays. When I would go back home, I would put an end to our partnership or whatever that was that was between us. I would speak to Hildegarde, Marylebone, anyone actually, so he wouldn’t come back. And if they wouldn't agree, I'd simply change hospital. Boston was a great city, I was sure I could move here and make a fresh start. 

Getting out of the shower, I picked shorts and a light shirt, getting ready for a new day in the city. Joe and I had planned to do a city tour on bicycles and I thought that it would be a good idea, after all the walking we had done the previous days. 

We met at the information center, where we rented the bikes. We rode in silence at first, taking in our surroundings. I had seen a bunch of towns and countries in my life, thanks to my uncle Lamb, but there was something in Boston that I found intriguing. There was a life to it that I absolutely loved and riding with the wind against my face and brushing my hair lifted the worried and obligations off my shoulders. 

Joe proposed to stop and grab a bite before continuing our ride. Sitting on the terrace of a restaurant by the sea, we ordered fish ‘n chips and two pints. 

“Cheers!” he said, clinking his glass with mine. 

“Cheers!” I took a long sip of the cold liquid, much welcomed in the warmth of the hot summer day. “So? Won’t your parents be too sad now they know we’re not together?” I asked, teasingly. 

He smiled, shaking his head. “Nah. They don't mind anymore, I shall say. It's a little bit harder with my father, but he understands. They're open minded people, my parents. It's just different when it's your own son, I guess.”

I took his hand in mine, reassuringly. “Don't worry. If you ever need to, I'd be a happy to be your fake girlfriend for a dinner.” 

He grinned. “Until I meet someone, I have to accept your offer.” 

The waitress came with giant plates in hands. I took a burning fry in my mouth. “You really have no one you’re interested into?”

“No…” he said, but I felt there was something he wanted to add. “There is a man, though. From my gym. So handsome and kind, but I think he just broke up with his boyfriend, so…”

“So what? You can mend his broken heart.” I took a big -too big- bite of my meal. It was absolutely delicious. Not healthy, but delicious nonetheless. 

He laughed shyly, and shook his head. “I don't know. I think he's interested, at least that's how I interpreted his signs. I'm just waiting for him to make a move, I guess. So I'll probably wait forever.”

“Don't wait. Just tell him how you feel. There's no need to wait if both of you are attracted to the other.”

Joe looked up at me, one eyebrow raised. “Look at you,” he laughed. “You know you’re telling me to do exactly the opposite of what you do with your ginger loverboy.”

“I'm sorry?” I asked, scandalized. 

“There's no need to wait if both of you are attracted by the other.” he said, trying to mimic my accent. “That's exactly what you do with your writer boy.” I started to object, but he lifted his hand, stopping me. “Don't say that you're not attracted to him, Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp. I know you and I know how you are when you have a crush.”

“Wot?” I asked in a thick English accent. 

“Please. You guys have eye sex all the time!”

I felt my cheeks go red, remembering the scene in the book all too well. “Nonsense.”

“I don't even know why you’ve waited for so long. Usually you're not the kind of girl who waits for an opportunity to come up. You create the opportunity. Why not with him?”

I took a moment before answering. “I don't know. It's different with Jamie. And there's no need to wait for me to ‘create the opportunity’ because I won't. I'm ending it. When we go back in Scotland, Jamie will leave.”

Joe frowned, taking a bite and chewing slowly, his eyes concentrated on me. “You sound serious.”

“I am. I can't stand it. I feel like I'm some main character in a reality show. I'm not taken seriously. I’m done with it. He's written enough articles on our hospital, now he can go somewhere else.”

“Did anything happened? Between the two of you?” Joe asked seriously. 

“No,” I lied. Well it wasn't a lie, it was the plain truth. Nothing had happened and that was why I wanted him gone. Because I didn't want anything to happen and because I wanted something to happen, but it wasn't happening. It was too confusing and would only end in tears and broken hearts, as it always did. 

“I don't believe you,” he said, crossing his arms across his chest. “But if you don't want to tell me, it's fine. Tell me when or if you feel like talking.”

I looked up at him and smile sadly. “Thank you, Joe. For being the friend you are.” He took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “When we go back in Scotland, though, do something for me.”

“Anything,” he smiled. 

“Ask that guy out.”

***

We left Boston four days after our fish ‘n chips dinner. I was sitting in the plane, eyes closed, but not sleeping. Joe, on the other hand, was snoring with his head on my shoulder. 

I had made a decision. When we would be back in Glasgow, I'd call Jamie at my place. We would sit down and I would tell him everything. How I was feeling about him and how I couldn't live with him being around with me, if he wasn't into me. It would be embarrassing and awful, but it was the only thing I could do. He would understand, and then he would leave. I knew he would.

My heart felt heavy in my chest. I wanted him, alright. More than I ever wanted anyone in my life. It was more than lust, and it took me a while to accept that. I was in love with him. Deeply, foolishly in love with the man that made my life harder. At first, he had been annoying. Then, he had become my friend, a close friend. He knew much more about me than anyone else in my life. And I had fallen for him, as much as I feared I would.

I couldn’t picture my life, my future without Jamie. The attraction would never be so strong, what Jamie and I had only happened once in a lifetime. In stories, there is always the couple and that person who loves, but isn’t loved back. In movies, we only see the happy ending for the couple, but we never see how shitty life is for the third wheel.

It could have been great, between him and I. But it would never happen. 

I had loved all my time spent with James Fraser, but now it was time to say goodbye to him.


	15. Hymn for John Grey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank all of you who leave comments on my chapters. You have no idea how much I appreciate it!

Nothing went as planned. It actually went worst than I could have imagined.

Jamie was delighted to see me after two weeks. He spent the morning telling me about his trip with his mother and Fergus to Italy and asking me about Boston.

After two long weeks, he was different that I remembered. His sunburned face seemed relax and his smile was even more beautiful than in my memory. He was so excited, like a school boy talking about his new super cool science project, telling me about the beautiful holiday he had with his family. I wondered if he had met a girl, in Italy, but kept it secret from me. It happened sometimes, lovers for a summer, staying only in your memories, like a beautiful view you didn’t take a picture of.

I shook the thought away and told him about visiting Boston and its surroundings with Joe, stupidly hoping he'd wonder whether something had happened between the two of us.

Walking down the hall, we met with Geillis, catching up from our holidays on our way to the OR. I was nervous, feeling a pinch in my belly at the idea of talking to Jamie. “Grey?” I asked, pointing at the name right under mine on the board. “Who's that?”

“The new surgeon,” Geillis said. “He's British, just like ye. Straight out of Oxford.”

“An intern?” I asked. “But it's not-”

“Hildegarde says he's very good. She didn't stop worshiping his work since he arrived.”

“That good, uh?” I asked, incredulous. Hildegarde usually went by the book, and it surprised me that she allowed an intern to operate with me already.

“I haven't worked with him yet, but Stuart was rather impressed.”

I frowned, intrigued, looking forward to see this newcomer for myself. 

***

John Grey was very handsome, very tall and very thin. He had soft features, close to feminine, with kind eyes and a polite smile. He stood straight, confident of his talent and knowledge.

“Are you James Fraser, then?” he asked Jamie, after shaking my hand.

“Yes,” I answered, alarmed by the look he was giving him. “Jamie Fraser is following me to write his monthly press about the life in our hospital.”

“I know,” he said shyly. “I… I included this in my cover letter when I applied. I found it very inspiring, and I must say, I'm a little star struck to meet you, Dr Beauchamp. You seem a wonderful person, if I am to judge from the articles I’ve read.”

“Aye, she is.”

I turned to see Jamie looking at me with a proud smile. I felt a warmth, and a flutter in my stomach at his tenderness. Clearing my throat, I started talking to the new intern about the upcoming surgery.

***

John Grey did well. Actually, John Grey did way too well. He did so well, that Jamie suddenly found a new inspiration for his article. And as the days went by, Jamie spent more time with John and less time with me.

He had found a new muse in the young boy, and he left me on my own.

One night, I was sitting in my office filling some files, feeling terribly alone. I missed Jamie. After almost three weeks of him having eyes only for John Grey, I found myself wishing he was sitting next to me, annoying the hell out of me, talking while I was doing my stats. I kept looking at the door, wishing he would show up.

I hadn't talked to him about the book, about my feelings for him. With the change in his behavior, I didn't feel like doing it and there was no point anymore. I needed him to leave because I loved him. With John Grey around, Jamie had left me already. He didn't need me anymore, after having spent enough time with me, and he only wanted to watch the new intern in action now.

“I think it would be great! To have the point of view of an intern, to see how it is to be new, fresh out of school in a sea of experienced, talented, and renamed surgeons.” he had told me in my office, during the first week of John Grey.

“I see, Jamie. But you can't follow him all the time. He's new, you can't distract him like that!”

“I'm not distracting him!”

I had rubbed my face, trying to ease the strain between my brows.

“Why does it bother you, anyway? Ye tried to get rid of me for sae long, now that I'm following someone else ye’re no’ happy!” he said in a thicker Scottish accent than usual.He tried to make a joke of it, but I knew there was truth in his words, perhaps pain.

“My concern is about the hospital. If John Grey commits a deadly mistake trying to impress you…”

“It’s only ye that care, Claire. The director is fine wi’ it, the chief too, and even Hildegarde dinna mind! Just because ye canna control everything ye dinna need to be mad at me like this!” With that, he ran out of my office. 

Since that day, Jamie and I didn’t really talk. He spent his lunch breaks at the cafeteria with Joe, Geillis and all of us, but mostly made conversation with John.

What I didn't like the most, was the way John was looking at Jamie. He was attracted by him, and I often caught him gazing too long at the sight of the tall Scottish man. My writer boy.

I heard two light knocks on my door. I turned around, expecting to see Geillis, but I was surprised to find Jamie looking at me. “Hey,” he said, shyly.

“Hi,” I said, turning my eyes back at my computer. Every time he was away I longed to see him, but when he finally was around, I felt the anger building up inside me for not being always there with me. For making me wait for him.

He entered my office and sat on his chair, the one he hadn’t occupied for a long while. “How are ye?” he asked, studying my face as I typed on my computer.

“Since when do you care?”

He laughed softly. “I've always cared.”

I didn't add anything, only kept typing, feeling his gaze intent on me. “I finished writing my article,” he tried to change the subject in a casual way.

“Do I care?” I mumbled, still not looking at him.

“I wanted to spend a major part of it on John,” he started explaining, not hearing what I had said. “But after reading it a few times, I realized that you’re the one to come up all the time.”

This time, my eyes shifted from the screen to his face. His deep blue eyes, like the open ocean, only made my desire grow stronger. “Whatever, Jamie.” I said casually, trying to show no emotion in my voice. “I don't care. Do as you wish, you always do that anyway.”

“John asked me out to the bar tonight. Do you want to come? Wi’ Joe or wi’ Geillis?”

“No. I have work to do. But enjoy your night out with your friend.”

He sighed and got up, leaving without saying goodbye. I swallowed hard, feeling the tears welling up in my eyes. I was too tired. I grabbed my phone and called Geillis.

***

Of course Geillis would accept an invitation to get out on a Friday night. She never said no to the chance of meeting some handsome men for the night. When we entered Castle Leoch, the bar just out of the hospital, I immediately spotted his red hair at the back of the bar, talking and laughing with John Grey. He looked up and saw me. Neither of us greeted the other.

I walked to the bar with Geillis and ordered something strong. I drank it straight up, setting my empty glass on the counter.

Geillis looked at me, astonished. “Christ! Ye’re in a bad mood.”

“Hey ladies.” We turned to see two young men, dressed in suits. “Can we buy ye a drink?”

We spent the night drinking and talking with them. One, I couldn't remember the name. The other, a certain Phillip Wylie. “Do ye dance?” he asked.

I smiled and followed him to the center of the bar, where a few people already danced. I was tipsy, and grabbed his arm to keep my steps straight. As we moved, I looked up to make sure Jamie had seen me. He had. The muscles of his face were contracted, and his cheeks red.

I started to dance, moving my hips, close to my partner. “You’re good.” he said, with a suggestive smile.

“Terrible,” I laughed, and turned to see Jamie who was still looking at me. I kept dancing, wanting him to be jealous, to see what he was missing. But I was very drunk, and I did things I would never do if I wasn’t intoxicated.

I turned to Phillip Wylie, cupped his face with both hands and kissed him on the mouth. He immediately kissed me back, right in the middle of the bar. After a few long moments, I pushed him back, feeling awkward of the way he kissed me, but mostly because I felt terribly stupid and childish for doing it.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and ran out of the bar, full of shame. Tears threatened to leave my eyes, but I didn’t cry, not before I was far from the bar, on my way home.


	16. Conflicting Signals

I needed it to be weekend already. I needed to stay at home, with my cat, not going anywhere for at least three days. But it was Wednesday, and I had two more days until I could finally get out of the bloody hospital for my three hard won days off. 

I walked across the parking lot, heading to the hospital when I heard Jamie’s voice behind me.

“Claire!” he called my name, running after me. “Did ye read it?”

“What?” I asked, bothered. It was the first time he talked to me in almost two weeks, from that night we saw each other at the bar, when I had left completely drunk. 

“The article. It was just published.” He took a copy from his bag and showed it to me. 

“I don't have time for this. I'm already late.”

He stopped following me, grunting, and turned around. 

I spent the day in a very grumpy mood. In fact, I didn't recall enjoying a day in the hospital since I came back from my holidays. Two days ago, Joe had come to see me, informing me that he talked to the guy at his gym, and asked him out. They were to go on a date tonight and he spent the entire day anticipating their evening together and stressing about it. 

“Don't worry, it will be fine.” I told him while we were eating our dinner in our shared office.

There was a light knock on the door and Jamie entered without asking for the permission.

“Claire? Can I talk to ye?”

“Is it urgent?” I asked, and he took a moment, as if trying to analyze whether it was urgent or not. 

“Well…”

“No? Then I can’t.”

I hated being like this with Jamie, but it was the most painless way I could talk to him while we were still both in the hospital. 

He got out of the room, angry at me. Again.

“What's happened between the two of you? Not because of John Grey, I hope?”

“Joe,” I said, ignoring his question. “I have made a decision and I'll talk to Doctor Hildegarde next week. I'm leaving the hospital.”

***

Finally, the night fell on the city and my shift was over. All I wanted to do was to go home and take a long, hot bath. I was walking to my car, buttoning my coat on my chest to cut off the wind. I didn't hear Jamie’s steps, as he tried to walk next to me. 

“Claire, I dinna care if ye dinna wish to talk, but I have things to tell ye. I dinna care if you keep yer mind shut, as long as ye listen to what I have to say.”

“I'm not interested.”

We stood next to my car, and I tried to find the keys, but it was dark and my hands were shaking. I was exhausted, and I could barely stand up. 

“Things have been weird, between the two of us recently. I wanted to talk about it. We’re working at the same place and I-”

“There's no need, Jamie.” I said, and finally stopped looking for my keys. I was facing him, holding my head up. The time had come and I was ready. I didn't care anymore. “I'll be gone soon.”

A shadow crossed his face and he swallowed hard. “What do ye mean?”

“I'm meeting Dr Hildegarde next week and I'll resign. I'm moving out of the country.”

He stood there, staring at me, but not seeing anything. “Why?” he asked in a whisper. 

“Because… I can't keep working here… Not when you're here,” I said, crossing my arms across my chest to keep them from shaking. 

“Because of me? So it's always my fault, is it? What did I do, this time?” The distress in his voice made my stomach twitch. 

“Nothing… You did nothing.”

He frowned, confused. “I'm not sure I'm following you.”

“No, I'm not following you. You really want to know what that's all about? It's all about your bloody book! It's all about your damn articles! It's all about John Grey!”

“Why? I canna have friends?”

“Stop defending yourself and listen, for Christ’s sake!” I pushed him with both hands on his chest, provokingly. I didn't want to fight, but I couldn’t control screaming at him. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn't know how. At the end, they all just came out of me in a mad rumble. “You are a complete jerk, selfish, self centred bastard. You just decided to show up and change my life into a nightmare, making me babysit you all the time. And then, you changed, and you made me feel…special. Writing sex scenes in books, and sending conflicting signals giving me hope, only to say that I was just an inspiration. And after that, you completely avoid me and repeat all this formula with fucking John Grey!” 

I was crying, sad and angry, longing for him. Months of repressed feelings finding their way to the surface. 

Jamie looked at me, his face a mask, hiding his emotions. 

“Say something!” I screamed at him, trying to shake him. 

“Ye think I'm the one sending conflicting signals?” he asked, his voice low and calm. “Don’t ye recall that ye are the one who tried to kiss me, then hated me, then wanted to go out with me, then didn’t even want to talk to me. Do ye ken how hard it is to follow ye, Claire?”

“I'm hard to follow? You say that you were inspired by me to write your fucking novel. Then, you write a fictional version of you and I having some hot, explicit sex and then you say that I should not see it this way?” I took a step closer, confronting him. 

“You came to spend the night wi’ me in my hospital bed, gentle with me, caring about me, and then ye got upset, and you said you wished you had never stopped to help me in the highway!”

“You asked me out all the time, cursing my ex for cheating on me, and then you acted like you don't care about me!”

“What did ye want me to say? To look like a fool telling ye I care for ye when ye hate me?”

“Hate you? Hate you? I care about you, but you don't care about me! If you did, you would not give up on me for the first intern who would come in!”

“I did it for ye!” He took a step closer, hands closed in fists. 

“For me?”

“Aye! You hated me already for following ye around, for my article, for talking about yer parents. Now I finally leave ye alone, do as ye wished me to, and ye’re angry at me for doing it!”

“That makes no sense! That was at the beginning! And you should have never told me about Louise de Latour if you didn't want me to believe that you actually wanted to be with me, like in your book. I didn't need to know!”

“Why? What did the book change?” He screamed.

“What did it change? Everything, you bastard! You made me fall in love with you and made me believe that it was mutual, only to turn your back on me.”

He froze, as if I had hit him in the face. “You fell in love with me?” he asked softly.

“What do you think?”

And then, he kissed me. He took a step forward, his big hands framing my face as his lips met mine. As much as I wanted to get lost in his kiss, the only kiss we would ever share, I pushed him away and slapped him. With a palm on his cheek, he looked at me scandalized. “Talking about conflicting signals.”

We stood in silence, both shaky and breathless after our fight. I didn't know what to say. Things had gone out of control and my brain could not think properly about what to do next. 

“I've loved ye from the first time I saw ye, Claire. Ye were like an angel coming down from heaven to help me out of my misery. You came like the sun after a long storm, casting out the darkness. You made me fall in love wi’ ye and the more ye pushed me away, the more I was addicted to ye, like a drug. I could never get enough of ye. Ye started haunting my dreams, and now ye haunt my entire body and mind.”

I looked up to him to see his head bend down, his cheek red with the shape of my fingers on it. 

I tried to register the words as he talked, but my brain couldn't get it right away. 

He loved me. 

Reaching gently, I put my hand on his red cheek and stroke it with my thumb. He shyly looked up, and his eyes met mine. I felt the electricity run between us, hitting me like the bolt of a lightning. 

This time, it was my turn to kiss him. Hesitant at first, but when he opened his mouth to me, it was raw and passionate and meaningful. I pushed him against my car, pressing my body against his, seeking his touch. His hands traveled down on my waist, grabbing me painfully. I licked his bottom lip with my tongue, making him moan into my mouth and deepening the kiss. I gripped a handful of his curls, running my fingers in his heavenly soft mop of red hair, like I had always wanted to do. He rubbed his hips against mine, showing me that he was ready for more. 

I finally broke the kiss, catching my breath, my forehead against his. “Come to my place,” I said between two breaths. 

He nodded, eyes closed. I kissed him again, gently this time, his lips soft and hot against mine. Then I pulled away, finally found my keys, and took my seat behind the wheel. Jamie sat next to me, holding my hand during the ride home.


	17. Always

We kept silent on the way to my place, holding hands, his thumb gently stroking my knuckles as I held the gear shift. When I parked the car in front of my flat and tried to get out, Jamie pulled me back inside and kissed me. It was a small, fast kiss, but enough to wake all the desires in my body. 

I pushed him against my apartment's door the moment it swang closed and kissed him deeply, our arms tangling when he pushed my coat off my shoulders while I was trying to take off his. I looked up at him as he laughed, and our eyes locked. I want you, they said. 

We made our way to my bedroom, kissing deeply, clumsily taking each other’s clothes off, blinded by lust. We were standing by the bed in our underwear, when we suddenly realized the intimacy we were about to share. His hands reached out tentatively, unclasping my bra and letting it fall on the floor. I felt my cheeks turn red as he stared at me, eyes wide in an intense admiration. 

I took a step closer to him and before I would chicken out, I pushed his boxers down, revealing his readiness. I bit my bottom lip and looked at him with a smile that I couldn't stop from spreading across my face. 

“My turn,” he said teasingly, in a husky voice. 

We were standing naked in front of each other for the second time that evening. The first had been at the hospital’s parking lot, when we had finally confessed our feelings, and now, we were about to cross the line, to take a new path that would change our relationship forever. I couldn’t be more ready. 

I stepped closer to him and kissed him, feeling his hands traveling down to my butt and fondling it properly, making me moan into his mouth. Lifting me up, he set me on my bed, gently lying on top of me, his eyes deep into mine. “Ye’re sure ye want this, Claire?”

I nodded, reaching for him. “Yes. I want you,” I whispered and his kiss became urgent. His hands traveled on my body, exploring and caressing. His lips trailed down on me, licking and sucking my neck until he rested his mouth on my breasts. I arched my back, closing my eyes as he worked on me. 

“Jamie,” I said, breathless and running a hand through his curls.

He looked up, eyes dark as the night. 

“Do it now.” I kissed him. 

With a determined look, he guided himself home and entered me with a powerful thrust, making us both gasp. He moved slowly at first, but it didn't take him long to find a steady pace. I reached for his buttocks, urging him deeper inside me, making him moan and groan as we were both building our way up to our climax. 

Moving together with him, I realized all the noises I was hearing were coming out from my mouth. I finally cried out his name, making him come with me in a loud groan. He rested his head buried in my neck, his sweat dripping on my own heated skin. At last, he moved out of me and lay on his side, his eyes on mine. I reached for his cheek and caressed it gently. He closed his eyes, letting out a satisfied sigh. 

He fell asleep with his head on my chest some time later, his soft breath rising goosebumps on my skin. I, on the other hand, lay fully awake, gently twisting his auburn curls between my fingers, thinking about what had just happened. Jamie Fraser, I thought and smiled. 

My body, languorously content, drove me into the oblivion of sleep, the weight of Jamie’s head a reminder that I wasn't alone. 

***

It took some time for my eyes to adjust to the lack of light, but it didn't take me long to recall the tall, broad man lying on the mattress next to me. I felt a sudden current run across my body, a smile spreading on my face at the sight of him, his mouth curled up in his dreams. 

I reached a hand and gently caressed the red hairs on his chest, standing up as my fingers danced on his skin. I lifted the sheet from his stomach and ran my hand down to find him half ready. Amused, I bit my bottom lip and gently grabbed him in my hand. He stirred and opened one eye, then the other. A smile slowly lit his face as I started to stroke him. It wasn’t long before he was fully ready. I straddle him, and without a word, drove him home. 

He closed his eyes, arching his back, grounding my hips on his and I slowly started to move until we both came together. Curling up besides him, I heard Jamie whisper something in Gaelic, his breath hot in my hair, but I fell asleep before asking him the meaning of what he had said. 

***

I was walking down the hallway in the hospital, feeling marvellous. I tried to look my usually grumpy self, but I couldn't help smiling at everyone. 

“Well, ye’re in a good mood,” Geillis said, raising one eyebrow as we were filling papers at the nurses’ empty counter. 

“It's Friday for me,” I said, but I knew she could read me like an open book. 

“It's more than that.” She studied me, her eyes intent on mine, searching for answers. I tried to look casual, but I felt a deep blush slowly starting to rise on my neck. She smiled and whispered pointing at me “Ye’re having sex.” 

“What?” I tried to look scandalized, but again, the big grin on my face betrayed me. “With Writer boy? Christ, ‘twas about time! So? How was it like?”

Great.

Wonderful. 

Amazing. 

There were not enough words in the English language, nor in any existing language to described how I felt. Falling asleep in his arms, waking up to find him on top of me, gently kissing my skin before slowly making love to me. 

“Good,” I said, looking down at the papers I was holding. 

“I'm so happy for you,” she whispered with an excited grin. 

“Don't tell anyone or I swear I'll kill you!” I said, trying to sound menacing. 

“I won't, but if ye keep smiling stupidly like that, Claire, everyone will ken anyway.”

“Good morning, lasses.” A voice came from behind me. Just the sound of it woke all of my body. I turned around to see Jamie in the same blue shirt he had been wearing the night before, two tall coffees in his hands. 

“I have to go to a patient,” Geillis said, and left after winking at me. 

I looked at Jamie, smiling like a teenager in love. He looked amazing, exhausted and smelly in his old shirt, but still looking like a god. 

“Good morning.” I took the coffee from his hand and took a sip. 

“Ye didna wake me up, Sassenach,” he whispered. “I would have loved to cook breakfast for ye and shower with ye, fondling yer amazing round arse.”

I burst out a laugh, poking his arm. “Shut up! Not here!”

“Aye…” he said, his eyes dark with lust as he looked down at my lips. “But I canna think of anything else than ye, naked by my side. God, I want to kiss ye so bad,” he said in a husky, low voice. 

“I have work to do,” I said, feeling the pull between us. Resisting it was much more painful than I would have imagined. “Later.”

And as I walked to see my patients, I turned to see Jamie following me, staring at my arse.

***

I had finished my last surgery before the weekend and I was in my office filing the report when Jamie entered, closing the door behind him. He went to his chair and looked at me while I was typing on my computer. 

Turning my head, I met his gaze. “Before you slept with me you didn't like it when I did paperwork. Now you do?” I smiled. 

“I've always loved to watch ye, Sassenach. Only before, I would have looked like a weird stalker. Now ye ken it's because I take yer beautiful face in and I imagine all the things I will do to ye once we arrive home.” 

I felt my blood rise to my cheeks. “Well… If you want us to go home early, you should stop it right now. It's distracting me.”

‘‘Fine. I’ll go home and prepare the supper.’’ He rose from his chair, his hand gently squeezing my shoulders, and walked to the door. His hand was on the door knock when he turned around. “Ye were ignoring me all day, when I talked about what happened last night.”

“Don't take this the wrong way, Jamie. I must, if I want to focus on my work.”

“I ken that, I just… Tell me something that’ll make me wait for tonight. Something positive?”

I smiled. “I did like the red hair.” I said, suggestively looking down on him, seeing his cheeks turning red.


	18. A New Beginning

When I opened the door of my flat that night the scent of tomato sauce welcomed me from the kitchen. I took off my shoes and walked to Jamie, back turned to me, busy taking care of his pans. I smiled and wrapped my arms around his waist. He jumped when he felt me behind him, but relaxed when I kissed the nape of his neck. “You're cooking.” I smiled, nuzzling his neck. 

“Aye. I couldna cook for ye this morning, so I thought I'd do it tonight. Hope ye dinna mind me intruding yer kitchen. But dinna worry, I didna look into yer underwear drawer.”

I chuckled and closed my eyes, comforted by the heat of his body. “Did you go to your place?”

“Aye. My mother didna believe me when I said I slept at the hospital.”

“I wouldn't think so.” 

He turned around, put his arms around my neck and pulling me into his embrace. “I dinna care.” He kissed me softly, making my knees go weak and my body shiver. “It's almost ready. Ye have time to go wash yerself and put on a sexy pyjama for me.” He tried to wink, but failed completely. 

Laughing, I grabbed his butt, surprising him. “I'm sorry lad, but I don't have a sexy pyjama.”

“Aye?” He pressed his hips against mine, making me understand he was more than ready. “Then dinna wear any pyjama.”

“We’ll see. But trust me, Jamie, be ready to see the horrors of war.”

***

Instead of putting on a sexy pyjama, or no pyjama at all, I put on old shorts and an extra large rugby t-shirt. My hair was up in a messy bun and my glasses were full of steam from the heat of my shower. When I got out of the bathroom, Jamie had set up the table with candlesticks, ready for dinner.

“Are you trying to get into my pants, James Fraser?”

“I dinna need to cook for that, Claire Beauchamp. Come sit.” He pulled a chair away from the table, inviting me to sit.

Turned out the pasta were delicious, even more than Ellen’s. We spent the supper talking about the day and about everything but last night. I didn’t know whether we needed to talk about it or the things that led to that night, but I just wanted to enjoy my time with Jamie, talking about everything and nothing..

“I'll wash the dishes,” I said, getting up with the plates in my hands.

“I'll help ye,” Jamie said following me, but I put a hand on his chest to stop him. 

“You can go shower.”

The corner of his mouth curled up in a smile and he nodded, moving his butt teasingly as he walked to the bathroom. 

When he got out, I was sitting on my bed, Adso sleeping at my feet. With the towel still wrapped around his hips, he sat in front of me. “This little one was there when I woke up, looking at me with wide eyes. Wondering what creature was lying at his place, I suppose.”

Laughing, I patted Adso on the head and he purred in content. “I suppose so.”

The cat opened one eye, like if he knew we were talking about him.

“What's his name, though?” Jamie tentatively reached for him, but the Adso tried to bit him. “Ah Dhia!” He immediately took his hand back, frowning at the cat. 

I couldn't help but chuckle at the sight, which seemed to relax Jamie. “Adso, that's his name.”

Jamie’s eyes shot up at me, startled. “Adso.” He whispered in a breath. “My Mam had a cat named Adso when I was a wee lad. He was brown, though.”

I smiled and took his hand in mine. “You two will get along, I'm sure. In time.”

“In time,” Jamie said, pleased. “So that means you dinna intent on kicking me out of here anytime soon.”

“Unless you do something stupid or illegal, no.”

“Great.” He smiled, squeezing my hand. 

“But in the meantime…” I let go of his hand to unfold the towel, opening it to reveal his nakedness. 

“In the meantime…” Jamie repeated, taking the glasses off my face and kissing the tip of my nose. He set them on the nightstand, and lay on top of me, gently pushing me on my back. “Ye have too much clothes on, Sassenach.” He smiled, gently biting my lower lip.

I took them off as he watched, his blue eyes dark as a bottomless ocean. “Better?”

“Perfect.”

***

After our lovemaking we were cuddling in the dark, my fingers stroking the fine hair on his chest. Both awake, touching, tentatively caressing the other.

“Claire?” he asked, twirling a curl around his fingers.

“Um?” I hummed, stretching languorously, feeling my body heavy after the day at work, but wonderfully content after my time with Jamie.

“Do ye mind that I have a son?” 

I looked up at him, the moonlight piercing through the curtains, drawing shadows on his face. “No,” I said honestly. “In fact, I can't wait to meet the lad - for real.” I smiled, kissing a scar on his left breast. 

I didn't know where this one had come from, but it was part of Jamie, ike the scars on his back. I had felt them, the first time we had made love the previous night. I had tried not to think about them and the reason why they were there, but I couldn’t stop myself from touching them, wishing I could heal them. Afterwards, Jamie had showed me his back for the first time since I had changed the bandages at the hospital. It was webbed with redden lines going from the shoulders to his lower back. It made me feel sick in the stomach to see it, not because of the fleshly horror of it, but because I couldn't understand how someone would want to hurt him.

“We could go out tomorrow. The three of us.” Jamie proposed, shaking me out of my daydream. “Eat somewhere, maybe go to the park.”

“I'd love to.” I smiled. “Does he know that you're here? I mean… He must have wondered why you didn't go home these two nights.”

“Nah...” Jamie said, a smile in his voice. “He spends most of his nights at friends’ houses until we get our new flat.”

“When is that, by the way?” I asked, turning on my belly to face him.

“Next month.”

“So I supposed you’ll be sleeping most of the remaining nights at a friend’s house too?”

He raised one eyebrow, a playful grin on his face. “Friend, she says.” 

I kissed him on the lips, lingering there as long as possible, before I put my head back into his neck. “God I'm tired,” I whispered. His arm around my waist tightened its grasp, pushing me closer to him, if that was even possible.

‘‘Ye know, before… I was sae scared ye didna love me. I thought ye liked me, but I was scared to ask ye. When I told ye that I was Louise de Latour and you didna say anything about the book until Geillis talked about it at lunch…’’

‘‘I’m sorry, Jamie.’’

‘‘Och… Dinna fash, Sassenach,’’ he said, kissing my head. ‘‘I dinna mean to accuse ye of the lack of communication we suffered from in the past months. I just wanted to tell ye that if I went to John, if I didna talk to ye like I used to and said ye were just a muse, it was because I thought ye had rejected me. I thought that maybe ye really didna want me, and I had imagined it all. Even after my accident and what had happened at the hospital.”

‘‘I am sorry. I didn’t want you to feel rejected. But know that I felt rather stupid, thinking you had written this book for me, when I talked to you about the explicit scenes and you stated I was just a muse.’’ I chuckled, a little uneasy. I had really been a fool, after all, thinking he didn’t want me.

“I love you, Sassenach,” he whispered in my hair, some time later. 

I wanted to say that I loved him too, but I couldn't speak, paralyzed by sleep. Instead, I pressed the hand that was lying on his chest and I heard a smile in his voice. “I ken.”


	19. Fergus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you whiskynottea for still being here nineteen chapters later and doing amazing work being the beta for this fic!

Jamie was there, sitting on a rock, looking in front of him. He didn't hear me approach, concentrated as he was, appreciating the view. The soft morning breeze was making his fiery hair fly around his handsome face. I put my arms around him and kissed the nape of his neck. “Sassenach…” he whispered, melting against me.

My dream suddenly dissolved at the the sound of someone banging at my door. I opened one eye, seeing it was four in the morning. 

Christ. 

I stubbornly stayed in bed, hoping that my neighbor had come home drunk, mistook the apartments and was waiting for her partner to open the door. But five minutes later, the banging persisted. I got up, put my glasses on and walked to the door, not caring that I was only wearing a white t-shirt and my underwear. “What?” I asked in a thick, annoyed English accent, opening the door. “Jamie, what the hell are you doing here?” Blinking, I realized that he was wearing a sports t-shirt and a blue navy vest. 

“Ye're still in bed?” He entered my apartment, not answering my question. 

“Do you know what time is it?” I asked, crossing my arms on my chest. “I was asleep!”

“Aye, I can see this. But we were waiting for ye!”

“What?” I asked confused, feeling the fuzzy sensation of sleep closing my eyes.

“Fergus and I! We said we were meeting ye here!”

“Yes, at four!”

“Well… It is four, isn't it?”

“Christ,” I sighed, running a tired hand in my bird nest hair. “You meant four in the morning?”

“Of course!” His smile was so adorable, I couldn't be mad at him.

“Is Fergus with you, then?” I asked, hoping Jamie would maybe join me in bed for a while. 

“Aye. He's waiting in the car. Come on, Sassenach. Pack your things for one night and make sure to bring yer hiking boots.”

“My what?”

***

I came out of my apartment building fifteen minutes later, wearing a coat and a pair of hiking pants I had bought five years ago and never wore, same as my boots. Jamie and his son were waiting next to the car, talking about rugby when I joined them, my bag in hand. 

“Miss Beauchamp.” The young curly brown haired lad smiled at me. “I'm Fergus, Jamie’s son,” he said in a french accent.

“I know.” I smiled, pleased to finally meet him. “You can call me Claire.”

We rode through the Highlands for hours and I was taken aback by the beautiful landscapes. I had been living in Scotland for more than ten years, but I had never left Glasgow and its surroundings. I had no reason to, but now with Jamie I wanted to go and discover the world.

While he drove, Jamie held my hand and absentmindedly drew patterns on it. Fergus was as charming as his father. He didn't stop talking about his friends, sports and the things he loved like watching WWC matches. He was very polite and his accent was the most charming thing. 

“Where are we going?” I asked, sometime later. 

“Cairngorms.” Jamie smiled. “We're going hiking, Sassenach.”

“Yeah, I figured that out. Thanks for telling me, though.”

“You told me I could choose any activity, and Fergus and I love to climb mountains.”

“Well, I've never…” I trailed off, shyly.

“Dinna fash, the mount we’ll be climbing is an easy one,” Jamie said, reassuringly. 

***

Easy one, my arse. Cursing in my head, I was trying to find a way to place my feet on the rocks, while trying to catch my breath and convince my stomach that I wasn't hungry. 

“How much time left?” I asked Jamie between two breaths. 

“Maybe an hour, an hour and a half.”

“Fuck,” I whispered. “I'm starving, Jamie.”

“It's better to eat on top, wi’ the view. Wait a little, Sassenach.” Jamie had no problem in talking and walking and doing everything at the same time. He told me he usually did that particular four-hour climb in an hour, so I felt rather ridiculous. 

“I'm stopping for a while. I need to eat,” I said stubbornly and sat on a rock.

“Fergus! Continue to climb, we’ll join ye in ten minutes,” Jamie told to the lad who was already far ahead of us. He came to sit by me and kissed my wet temple. “Ye hate me, don't ye?”

“I do,” I admitted, taking a bit from my energy bar, but his kiss was lingering on my skin, making me feel that climbing wasn’t that bad, after all. I ate in silence, Jamie observing me with an amused face, his hand gently caressing my back. 

Once we reached the top I realized that the view was worth the pain. We set our picnic there, and spent the next hour eating our sandwiches and talking, Fergus monopolizing the conversation with jokes and funny stories about Jamie. Getting to know his son made me learn about Jamie as a father, and I found this side of him hotter than I thought I would. 

We walked down the mountain in silence, taking in the fresh air and the beauty of the place. Descending was much easier and I enjoyed it more, especially with a perfect view of Jamie’s ass in front of me.

Jamie had rented cabins just outside the national park. We bought pizza on our way back and ate it in front of the fire, our feet finally free from the constraints of our boots. Jamie and Fergus’ cabin was bigger than mine, but they both were charming and welcoming. And conveniently close.

“I should be going. I need to take a shower and sleep a soon as possible.” 

“Goodnight, Claire,” Fergus said, not able to get up, his legs aching with the day’s effort.

“Goodnight.”

Jamie walked me to my cabin, leaning against the door frame and inspecting the room inside. “Ye’ll be alright? Here alone?”

“Jamie, I'm just right beside you.” I put my arms around his neck, and his hands gripped my waist. “I had a great time today, even if it was painful and hard. Fergus is a really sweet lad, you should be proud of him.” Jamie’s face lit up at that, making my knees go weak. “Goodnight.” I kissed him, my lips lingering on his, not wanting to part, even though there was no other choice.

“Goodnight.” He started to leave, but I grabbed his hand, putting the key of my cabin into it. I kissed him again and closed the door, looking at his mischievous grin. 

***

Big hands ran slowly across my belly, his strong body behind me, his knee resting just behind mine. I wasn't sure whether he was really there or if it was just a dream. “Jamie?” I asked, my voice hoarse from sleep.

“It's me, Sassenach.” He kissed the tender spot behind my ear.

“What time is it?” I asked, putting my hand on his. 

“Three in the morning. I fell asleep before I could come, sorry.”

“It's alright.” I tried to add something, but I was so tired, and immediately fell asleep.

There was light coming through the curtains when I woke up a few hours later. I was lying on my back, Jamie on top of me, kissing my naked breasts. He felt me stir, and looked up at me with a smile. “Hi,” he said, before going back to his work.

I closed my eyes, my hands grabbing his soft curls. A small moan escaped my lips as his mouth did wonderful things to me, still hot and confused with sleep. His mouth trailed on my belly, gently biting its way down. He took my leg in his hand, setting it against his shoulder, and settled in place himself, just as I realized what he was about to do. “Jamie!” I cried, startled. 

His face shot up at me, surprised. “What's wrong?” he asked, not moving away. 

Nothing was wrong, actually. His short beard was pricking the skin of the inside of my thigh, rousing me. “I… I don't know if… I mean…”

“Are ye afraid of something?” He raised one eyebrow, lifting himself on his elbow. 

I felt blood rise to my cheeks, feeling completely ridiculous and very vulnerable in front of him. “What if… I mean what if it doesn't smell good?”

He chuckled, his hand reaching to caress my arm. “Claire, this is the last thing I care about. I always stink after we make love and you still like to cuddle with me and kiss all the skin of my body, don't ye?”

I nodded, thinking that he was right. However, I had never thought that he stinked, rather that he smelled terribly good. “What if it doesn't…taste good?”

He raised the other eyebrow. “Ye’ve never…?”

I shook my head, feeling rather embarrassed. I thought that by now I should have done it at least once. A shy smile spread on his mouth. “Me neither,” he said, and bent his head, his lips finding the sensitive spot between my legs. 

Closing my eyes, I let out a gasp, my hands clenching the bed sheets. No thoughts formed in my mind, while I felt his mouth doing amazing things down on my body. Loud noises were escaping my lips, my hips moving without my volition while his strong hands tried to make me in place. My climax started to build rapidly, and when he slipped one finger inside me, I came with an rush of pleasure running across my body. 

Jamie put down my leg and came to lie next to me, looking at me with curiosity as my spirit came back into my body. “I guess it wasna so bad.”

I opened my eyes to look at him. His cheeks were pink and his lips swollen, but there was a glint in his eyes that made me want to give everything to him. “It was amazing.” I smiled shyly. 

“You taste good.” He bent and kissed me. Tasting myself on his lips roused something in me and I turned him on his back and started to bit my way down, ready to give him back just what he had given me. 

**

The morning after, we had to go back to the city, my little week-end coming to an end. I dressed up and packed my belongings before exiting my cabin and went to Jamie’s. It was Fergus who answered, his eyes sleepy and his brown curls standing up on the top of his haid.

“Milord went out to buy food for the travel. Come in.” He told me. 

I went to sit on the small couch in front of a fire. “It’s a cold day.” I noticed a bowl half filled with cereals and milk on the coffee table. Fergus came to sit next to me and went on eating his breakfast. 

“Aye. Especially after yesterday.” 

We kept silent for a while, the only sound in the room the crackling of the fire and Fergus chewing. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but I still felt the need to say something. 

“You know, Claire, I don’t know how a pretty woman like you ended up with Milord.” He said looking very serious. “Don’t tell him I said that, but it’s true.”

I couldn’t help but the chuckle at the words of the eleven years old lad. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’m surprised you find Jamie attractive. He farts a lot when he sleeps and he never shaves.”

Laughing, I shook my head, looking a him. “He’s not that bad.”

“That’s just because you haven’t live with him long enough. When I came to live with him, he didn’t fart and made noises when eating. It took some time, until we got at ease with each other, then he started doing it.”

At that moment, Jamie entered the cabin with a grocery bag in his hands. “Hey.” He said, looking at me. He walked to us and kissed the top of my head before running a hand on Fergus’ head to try to tame his hair. “Ye’re still not ready, Fergus?”

“It’s alright, we have plenty of time.” 

When arrived in Glasgow after dinner time. Instead of driving straight to the city, Jamie and Fergus brought me to visit some places I had never been before. One being an ancient circle of standing stones on top of a hill. It was a magical place, like every place Jamie showed me. 

After kissing him and Fergus goodbye -making the lad blush deeply- I closed the door of my flat and went to sit on my couch. I closed my eyes, smiling ridiculously while thinking about the weekend. I really felt like I actually belonged here in Scotland.


	20. Crazy

Before Jamie, when I had long days in the hospital, with endless surgeries and patients not responding to treatment, I felt no hurry to go home. Instead, I’d leisurely retrieve my things from my locker and pass by the Tesco express close to my flat to buy groceries. Once at home, I’d have a shower, eat in front of the TV and then go directly to bed. 

But that was before Jamie. Now I had a reason to look forward to going home. Home didn’t mean a cat desperate for hugs, a dinner in front of a boring talk show and an empty bed. Home meant joy and love. 

It was two in the morning when I opened the door to my flat, seeing that Jamie had been planning a dinner for two. The table was still set with glasses of wine and candlesticks. Even if I had called to cancel our plans before getting ready for my last surgery, I still felt a pinch in my stomach at the sight. 

I had showered at the hospital, not wanting to wake him up when I get home, so I jumped out of my clothes and snuggled under the covers next to my big Scot. I felt him stir when I melted against his chest. “Sassenach,” he whispered. “Had a long day, uh?” His voice was so low I almost didn’t hear what he said.

“Yes,” I said, kissing the hair on his chest. “How was your day?”

The only answer I got from him was a snore, and I couldn’t help but smile. I laid my head against him and fell asleep listening to the sound of his heart beating inside his chest.

***

It was his voice that woke me up the first time, but I immediately fell back asleep after asking him what he said in a sleepy voice.

The second time, his voice came louder. I opened one eye to see the alarm clock on my nightstand. 3:49. 

“Nae, dinna do it,” Jamie said, his voice pleading.

I turned around to face him. He was lying on his side, facing me. His legs were up against his chest, the features of his face contorted. He looked scared.

“Jamie,” I said, shaking his shoulder, but he didn’t hear me.

“Please, Willie, ye canna. Ye willna make it,” he said, and I realized he was dreaming of his brother. I sat up and turned on the light on the nightstand next to me.

“Jamie!” I said louder, shaking his body. I didn’t recognize him. He looked like a helpless child, his entire body shaking. “Wake up!” I said, shaking him more forcefully, now afraid myself.

He opened his eyes, starring in front of him. He looked lost and confused, his eyes wandering around until they rested on me. “Claire,” he said in a choked voice. 

I put a hand on his sweaty neck. His t-shirt was damp and the curls on his neck wet. “It was just a dream, Jamie,” I said. 

He nodded, got up without saying anything and walked to the bathroom. I gave him time and waited for him to come back. I could hear through the closed door and the sound of running water that he was crying. Time went by and ten minutes later, he was still there. I got up and tried to open the door but it was locked. “Jamie,” I said, knocking on the door. “Please, let me in.”

“It’s alright, dinna bother yerself, Claire. Go back to sleep.” 

“Jamie let me in or I’ll smash that door.”

I heard a choked chuckle and he opened the door. “I know ye would.” 

His eyes were red and his face was wet with tears. I entered and closed the door behind me, then I took him in my arms. With a sigh, he rested his head on my shoulder and I gently ran my hands up and down his back. 

“I’m sae sorry, I didna wish to wake ye up.”

“It’s alright.” I looked up at him and put a hand under his trembling chin. His entire body was shaking and his sweat had turned cold, making him shiver. “What was it?”

“I was just dreaming about my brother.” He shrugged, pushing the thought away.

“It’s not the first time?” I asked him and she shook his head. “Nah… It’s not as frequent as it used to be, but it still happens from time to time. Usually when I’m happy… It’s as if I need remind myself that Willie will never be happy, as I am now.”

I swallowed, trying to find something to say even though I knew there was nothing to be said. Even if I was young when I lost my parents, I had mourned them and I knew exactly how he felt to be alive after losing someone close. I knew how long it took before smiling was possible without feeling like betraying the lost ones.

“Come with me in the bath,” I said, pointing behind Jamie with my chin.

“Nah, ye should go back to sleep, Sassenach. I’m alright. Go back to bed, I’ll join ye in a minute.”

“No, you won’t.” I let him go and turned the tap of the bathtub on. Jamie laughed sadly as he walked back into the room, took off his clothes and sat on the bed. Following him, I kneeled in front of him, and as we waited for the water to fill the bathtub, we looked at each other without saying a thing. 

We got in the bathtub and stayed silent as Jamie looked down at his hands, immersed in the water. 

I wanted to hug him. I wanted to touch him and tell him that everything was going to be alright, but I felt that he needed to speak, so I gave him time.

“I was there when he died,” he finally said, not looking at me. Jamie rarely talked about his big brother, who had died drowning in the Beauly Firth when he was young. I knew it was important for him and I was happy that he finally found the courage to talk to me about it. 

“He was babysitting me while our parents had been in France for a business trip. Jenny had gone in London with her class. Willie had come to wake me up at dawn, telling me with excitement that we were going fishing. Ye ken, Willie was a teenager. He spent a lot of time alone and wasna really interested in spending time with his little brother… So when he asked me to do something wi’ him… I was so happy I got up and in less than five minutes I was ready.” He looked at me and smiled, but I knew he wasn’t smiling at me. He was thinking of his brother and the love he had for him. “We spent a few hours at the fishing spot, even if we didna have a permit, but we werena catching anything. So, Willie said that we could change spot and we walked to a spot were we had no right to fish… At some point, I caught something. I wasna as strong back then, as I am today, ye ken,” he said sheepishly and I splashed him, smiling. He smiled back at me for a moment, but then, as he relived the events in his head, his smile disappeared. “I dropped my fishing rod and it went away. It was my father’s and he didna want us to use it, so Willie went after it. I told him not to, the current was strong and I kent he wasna really a good swimmer. And even if he had been...” 

Jamie swallowed, tears veiling his eyes. “Then what?” I asked, encouraging him.

“The flow took him far from the river bank. He screamed, called my name, called for help, frantically told me to stay put. I didna ken what to do,” Jamie said in a choked voice. “There was no one around. I wanted to go after him, but I was so scared. I didna ken how to swim and…” He shrugged. “I should have gone after him,” he added, looking into my eyes.

“And die with him? Jamie, if you had gone to him, can you imagine for how long would your parents search for you and your brother? Maybe they would have never found you.”

“It was my mistake, dropping the rod, it should have been me dying that day,” he said, the words crashing me. “I canna forgive myself for it.”

 

“There was nothing you could do!” I exclaimed, my voice higher than I intended to. I knew there was nothing I could say, that he had always blamed himself and I was not able to change this. 

“I ken,” he whispered some time later. “I’ve made peace with it. Truly,” he added, seeing my raised brow. “It’s just… Sometimes I wake up and think that he never had a chance to have a beautiful life like I do.’’

He looked at me with a glint in his eyes that made me chuckled sadly. “I know, Jamie. But it’s not your fault. Your brother would not want you to deprive yourself for his sake. On the contrary, he’d want you to go for things that make you happy.”

The corner of his mouth curled up and he placed his hand on my knee. “Aye, Sassenach. And I do, for him. Why do you think I went to see yer scary boss, asking if I could follow ye around yer hospital?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I would never have the courage to even talk to you at the first place. I like to think that he gives me strength, when I need it.” He smiled sadly and started drawing patterns on my leg. “Don’t ye feel the same way about yer parents?”

I nodded, feeling my throat tighten at the mention of my parents. “I do.”

He sighed, lay his head against the tiled wall and closed his eyes. “I’m so tired,” he said. “I’m sorry about this. I think…” He opened his eyes and smiled. “I needed to tell it to someone. How I felt. Thank ye for listening.”

I wrapped my hands around his neck, I pulled him to me and kissed him. His lips were salty from his tears. 

“I dinna ken what I would do without ye, mo nighean donn.” I kissed him one more time and he turned me around, so that my back would be flush to his chest. I melted against him and kissed his hand. “I’m sorry, Jamie.” 

“Thank you,” he whispered, running a hand through my curls. 

***

Being with Jamie made me think differently about taking days off. After that long night talking about Willie, I felt bad leaving him alone to go to work. And if I wanted to be honest with myself, I was tired and needed to sleep in for once. So I called Joe, asking him to fill in for me and bribing him with a night at his this gay bar he liked to go sometimes. 

“‘Twas Joe?” Jamie asked, running a hand on my naked back. 

“Yes.”

“Ye never told me what happened wi’ his guy from the gym?”

I lay back on my side, facing him. “Well… They are seeing each other. Guy, the man from the gym, just got out of a painful breakup, so they’re taking their time.”

“Good. I’m glad for him,” Jamie said with a sleepy smile. 

“Oh yeah, he’s happy. He says it’s the best sex he’s ever had in his life.”

“Is he the only one thinking that?” He looked at me with a smirk, making my cheeks turn red and my belly tighten. 

“No.” I smiled. During our first week together, Jamie and I hadn’t been wild in sex. Still discovering each other, sex was soft, and tender. I wanted more than this, but I didn’t know how to talk to him about it. I thought better not to talk about it, but then remembered that miscommunication had almost made our relationship impossible. 

“You know… We could try something else.” I shrugged, feeling my cheeks turn pink. “I mean… There are other… ways to do it.”

I looked up at him and saw that he was smiling, his cheeks the same colour as mine. “Aye.” He nodded and moved towards me, but I stopped him, a hand on his chest. 

“Not now. We have a lot of things to do today.”

Jamie grunted and followed me out of the bed.

***

We spent the day shopping groceries for the week and trying to find a new coffee table for my living room, since Adso had destroyed the one I had, running around in the house. 

Around four thirty, we arrived at my flat and with one of Heart’s best record playing, we cooked in the kitchen. 

“But I tell myself that I was doin' all right / There's nothin' left to do at night / But go crazy on you” Jamie sang tuneless while chopping vegetables. I laughed at him, trying to sing as high as Ann Wilson.

“I didn’t know you liked Heart,” I smiled, pleased to know he had good taste in music. 

“Aye, I went to their concert with my Mam a few years ago. I had a crush on Nancy Wilson when I was a kid.” 

“Really?” I chuckled. “It’s a…special crush for a young boy. I was expecting something like Marilyn or… I don’t know… Audrey Hepburn.”

“I’m not that old,” he smiled. “Who was your first celebrity crush?”

Putting the rice into the boiling water, I contemplated his question. “Uh… Well… No, you’ll laugh at me,” I said, smiling like an idiot. 

This moment, teasing each other while cooking with good music in the background was the life I had always hoped I would live someday. It had never been like this with Frank.

“I promise I won’t.”

“You will, but whatever. Arnold,” I finally said.

Jamie looked at me, surprised. “Schwarzenegger?” I nodded and he burst out laughing. “Well, ye do have a thing for big muscles, Claire.” He said, grinning like an idiot. 

“Yeah, apparently…” I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t help the smile spreading on my face. 

When we finished dinner, Jamie offered me a glass of whisky. We drank in silence, listening to the blues he had chosen. Then, he offered me a second glass. 

“Are you trying to get me drunk, James Fraser?” I asked him.

“Aye.” He smiled sheepishly and kissed the tip of my nose. “I am.”

After a few glasses, Jamie took my hands and lifted me off the couch. I almost fell, bumping into him in the middle of my living room. Laughing, we danced around, my face against his chest, listening to his heart beating. I wasn’t only drunk on whisky, I was drunk on him. Looking up, I saw him staring at me, his blue eyes turned dark.   
With my lips on his, I melted against him. We kissed hungrily, exploring each other with our hands. “I want you, Sassenach,” Jamie said in my ear, his hot breath making a shiver run down my spine. 

Pulling back from him, I took his shirt off throwing it on the floor before taking mine off. We undressed in seconds and stood naked in front of each other. On our way to the bedroom, Jamie pushed me against the small table in front of the mirror. He parted my legs with his big, strong hands and took hold of my hips.

He gently slipped inside me, making us both moan. He started to move his hips against me, completely filling me with every thrust. “Oh, God, Jamie.” I closed my eyes, feeling his hands grabbing my breasts. 

Grunting, kissing the back of my neck, shoulder and behind my ears. He said things in gaelic, biting the skin on my back so hard that it was painful, but I didn’t want him to stop. I pushed my hips against him, meeting him halfway. I opened my eyes to see that he was staring at me in the mirror. “Ye look so beautiful,” he whispered, thrusting even deeper. 

“Jamie,” I moaned and he leaned against my back, melting with me on top of the table. “Don’t stop,” I cried even if I knew he wouldn’t. 

His pace became faster, indicating that he was as close to come as I was. He ran his left hand down on my belly and touched the sensitive skin between my legs, making me squeak. 

“Aye, Sassenach, dinna stop making wee noises.” 

***

Later that night, we were lying in my bed, legs intertwined together. We weren’t sleeping, but we weren’t talking either, simply enjoying the moment. “I don’t make wee noises,” I said.

Jamie’s chest vibrated with laughter. “Aye, ye do. But ‘tis alright, I love it.”

“I know I don’t.”

Jamie gently pushed me off of him to look at me. “Ye canna be serious, right?” he asked, a big smile on his face. “I think all the neighbors around a mile can hear ye.”

I felt the blood rise to my cheeks and gently poked him in the ribs. “Then they hear you too.”

“I know,” he grinned, his hand wandering inside my thighs. “I’m no’ ashamed of it.” He opened my legs with his hands and ran a finger on my wet slit. “And I’ll do anything to hear those noises again, Sassenach.” He slipped a finger inside me, making me yelp in surprise. “Aye, do it for me,” he said and kissed me, adding a second finger. 

I called Geillis the morning after, asking her to cover me for the day.


	21. Fraser's Ridge

We had been shopping for hours, an activity I didn't particularly enjoy, but Geillis had forced me to go with her. 

“So I'm glad to see ye’re finally taking some time for yerself, Claire,” she said as we walked in the mall with our hands full of bags. The ones I was holding were not mine, but those Geillis didn't have the grip to carry. “Oh! We need to go here too!” she said as she dragged me to yet another lingerie store. 

We were walking around the aisles, talking about the hospital and my trip to North Carolina with Jamie. He had left two weeks ago to go on a tour for his book in the States and I was supposed to meet him on Fraser's Ridge, where he owned a house. 

“Do ye have something planned? Something besides staying in bed doing unorthodox things?”

Blushing, I shrugged and looked at the underwears in sale. “I don’t know, I guess he’ll show me around the Ridge. He was so proud to bring me there, he said it’s his ancestors’ land, dated back at the 18th century. 

“That sounds romantic, straight out of a Nora Roberts novel… Oh, right. I forgot ye were dating Louise de Latour.” She looked at me with a smirk. 

“Well, we’ve only been together for a few weeks.”

“And ye dinna call it dating?”

I shrugged and decided I didn’t have the money to buy the underwear ‘in sale’. “We never really talked about it.”

“But he did present ye to his family,” she said, showcasing a bra. I shook my head and she put it back on the rack. 

“He did…” 

Jamie had brought me to Lallybroch for Christmas. I had met his sister before that, after Jamie’s accident, when I was just his doctor and muse. 

A pretty nightgown caught my attention. It hung on a hook, lost between other gowns. It was made of pink satin with white lace covering the chest, the neckline so deep it would almost reach my navel. 

“Lovely,” Geillis said, coming to stand behind me. “I think it’s your size.”

I bought the nightgown, planning to take it to North Carolina with me, thinking Jamie might like it.

***

A few days later, I was landing at Raleigh, where Jamie was supposed to meet me before going to Fraser’s Ridge. But he wasn’t there, so I sat on bench, waiting for him until I fell asleep, only to wake up a few hours later, when he put his hand on my leg. 

“I’m sae sorry, Sassenach. I’m late.” Sweat was dripping from his forehead and his shirt was soaked. 

“Yes, like three hours late.” I got up, still very sleepy. After all, it was past midnight in Scotland.

“Aye.” He grabbed my luggage and took my hand, walking to his rented car. “I was caught in a skype conference wi’ my editor.”

“Anything wrong?”

“Nah, just the boring, politics stuff.” He opened the passenger door for me and walked around the car to put my luggage in the trunk. “Are ye hungry?” he asked as he entered the car. “We can buy burgers on our way to the Ridge. There’s a restaurant not far from the there, the best burger ye’ll eat in yer life, I promise.” He smiled and kissed my knuckles. I felt butterflies in my stomach as he did and decided I couldn’t be mad at him when he was so sweet. He had been late, but it wasn’t his fault, after all.

“I’m starving.”

Since we still had a few more miles to go before reaching his house, we ate at the restaurant. We didn’t speak as we ate, hungry as we were, and we both finished our meals in less than ten minutes. 

“So, Doctor Beauchamp? What’s the verdict?” he asked, turning his seat to face me, placing his hand on my knee between his legs. 

“I’d say that these are some very good burgers if you plan to have increased cholesterol,” I said sheepishly, and kissed him. He chuckled and kissed me back.

“I canna wait to be alone wi’ ye, Sassenach,” he whispered against my lips. “Two weeks without seeing ye was the most painful experience my body’s even been through.”

Chuckling, I put my hand around his neck to bring him closer to me. “I’m glad to see that you missed me.”

“I have.” He kissed me and sighed. “Didn’t ye? Miss me?”

“Well, I didn’t really have the time to.”

He straightened back, crossing in arms on his chest, pretending to be hurt. “Alright, then. I had a wee something planned for ye tonight, but I guess we can forget all about it. If ye didna miss me.”

Framing his face with my hands, I brought him back to me and kissed him deeply. “I missed you.”

Jamie moaned lightly as I ran my tongue over his lip. I was fully aware that there were families in the restaurant, even if it wasn’t really busy, but I couldn’t help myself. “We should go, this is getting dangerous, Sassenach.”

We arrived at the Ridge shortly after leaving the restaurant, driving on a small road on the mountain. “My ancestors built this place with his hands. For his wife and daughter,” Jamie said, his hand in mine.

“Yes, you’ve said it at least ten times.” I smiled. It was adorable that he was so proud of this place.

He parked in front of a big house. It had been renovated, but still keeping the charm of an old house. “Wow, it’s big,” I said, getting off the car.

It was dark, but the lights on the porch were enough for me to see how beautiful the white house was.

“Aye, there’s a reason they called it the ‘Big House’ before it burnt down.” He closed the door of the suitcase and took my hand. “Come, I’ll show ye around.”

When we entered the house a fire was burning in the fireplace. All surfaces were clean, and didn’t look like it had been empty for more than six months. “Does anybody else live here?” 

“Ah, well, no. But the neighbors, the Bugs, work here part time since they got retired, and take care of the place. When we’re here, Mrs Bugs cooks for us. She’s a verra good cook. Come, let me show ye.”

He put his arms around my waist and walked me through the right door next to the entry. 

“That’s the living room now, but when the house was build it was a surgery,” he said softly, his breath hot against my cheek.

“A surgery?”

“Aye, my ancestor was a healer, just like ye.” He kissed my cheek. “There are many stories about the people she healed. I have her wee notebooks in the study, if ye want to read them.”

“I’d love to.” I smiled.

We then moved to the study, the room Jamie used to write his novels during the two weeks he was coming to the Ridge every winter. We walked past the stairs to the kitchen, where a nice bottle of wine was waiting for us, next to two tall glasses. 

“Looks like your Mrs Bug thought of everything.”

Jamie chuckled and went to pour a drink for us. We drank in silence, never taking our eyes off each other. “Ye want to see upstairs?” he asked some time later.

There were three bedrooms which Jamie said were perfect for his family. One room for him, one for his parents and one for Fergus. Jenny also owned the place and they shared the rooms when they visited at the same time. 

“It’s beautiful, Jamie.”

“Wait ‘til you see our bedroom.”

It was a big room with wooden walls and a large fireplace in front of a king sized bed. “It’s so romantic,” I said sheepishly.

“Aye, Mrs Bug was quite happy when I told her I was bringing a lass.”

“I can see that.” Candles were dispersed around the room, litting the place in a warm way. “Well, it would be a shame to waste all of these efforts,” I said, turning to put my arms around his neck and kissing him deeply. 

“Aye,” Jamie said a moment later and I pushed my hips against him, to show that I had missed him during our weeks apart. 

I moved to take his shirt off, but he stopped me. “What?” I asked and he smiled.

“I have a wee surprise for ye. It’s no’ really a big surprise, I mean it is just… Uh I thought it’d be fun to…” he trailed off, starting to feel like his surprise wasn’t so great, after all. 

“What is it, Jamie?” 

“Did ye bring your swimsuit like I told ye?”

“Yes, but Jamie… Do you know it’s the middle of the winter?”

“Aye. Change, Sassenach and meet me in the kitchen.” He kissed my forehead and walked downstairs.

I met him in the kitchen wearing a white dressing gown. Then, I saw through the window that there was a hot tub in the backyard. It was all lit up in blue, the water bubbling. “That’s…very nice,” I said, a broad grin on my face. “Exactly what I needed, right now.”

“Well, then,” he smiled proudly, “Take yer gown off and let’s go.”

My eyes locked with his, and I slowly ran a hand up to the belt and let it fall on the ground. Jamie’s mouth fell open when he saw that I was naked as a jaybird. 

“Ye forgot yer swimsuit?” 

Smiling, I put my hand around his face and pulled him to me for a kiss. “Claire, if ye dinna stop, we’ll never make it to the tub,” he whispered.

“Alright,” I said and he opened the door leading to the backyard. The winter wind knocked the air out of my lungs and my entire body started shivering. “Oh, God,” I moaned. Jamie closed the door behind us and we walked to the tub. “I hope your Mrs Bug won’t be looking around and see me naked,” I said and Jamie pushed me in the snow. “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! Are you fucking crazy, Jamie?” I tried to get up but my bum was swallowed by the thick snow underneath. 

Jamie jumped and threw himself in the snow next to me. “Woah!’ he cried. ‘That’s cold!” 

He rolled like a dog in the snow and got up. “Help me!” I screamed, and he gave me a hand to pull me up again. I pushed his chest, making him fall in the snow again. 

“You’re angry,” he grinned.

“What do you think? We’ll be sick!” 

“Nae, that’s how ye do it. Ye jump in the snow before getting in the tub.” He got up,took my hand and ran to the spa.

“I can’t feel my body.”

The shock of the warm water on our frozen skin made me feel like I was boiling alive. “That’s not cool!” I said, splashing water in his face. 

“Ye hate me.” He chuckled and swam to me to place a kiss on my nose. I pushed him back and moved to sit, my arms crossed in front of my chest. My body was finally starting to adjust to the warm water and unexpectedly, the feeling became amazing. “I admit, this is relaxing,” I said, and Jamie sat next to me, pulling me onto his lap.”

“Aye, especially when ye’re here wi’ me.” He kissed my lips, then trailed down to my neck, my throat and my chest, goosebumps raising on my skin because of the cold air, but mostly because of the wonderful sensation his lips left on me. A small moan escaped my lips as his hand gently grabbed my hair to pull my head back, to give better access to his mouth. One of his hand grabbed my breast while he kissed and gently bit the other one. 

“Jamie…” I whispered, opening my eyes to see if there was anyone around who could see us. That’s when I saw two eyes looking in our direction. “Jamie,” I said again, but in a panicked, low voice this time. 

The only respond I got from him was a moan, as he swirled his tongue around my nipple.

“Jamie!” I said again, shaking him. He looked up at him and followed my gaze. When he saw it, I felt his body stir. 

“Is that…a bear?” I asked in a choked voice.

“Looks like it.” He didn’t move a muscle as he looked at the bear. “Dinna move, Sassenach,” he whispered, his hands tightening their grasp around me. We spent a minute in a staring contest with the bear, our breaths hitching every time it breathed. At some point, the bear made a noise and took a step towards us. I screamed and ran to the door. “Claire!” Jamie shouted and ran after me, locking the door behind us. “Call the Ranger now!” he said, looking out the window. 

“They’re going to kill it!”

“No, they won’t! But if ye dinna call them, it will kill us!”

“Aren’t they supposed to hibernate during the winter?”

“Well, it depends. It’s complicated,” he said. “Just… Call the number on the fridge, will ye?”

Thirty minutes later, Murtagh Fitzgibbons Fraser was sitting in the kitchen with a glass of whisky in front of him. I had met him a few months ago, that first night I had met Jamie at the hospital. He looked less grumpy in the mountain than he did in the city. Turned out Murtagh was working as the Ranger here. 

He and Jamie were deep in a conversation about the wildlife around the Ridge, now relaxed after his colleagues had relocated the bear deeper into the forest. I was getting tired, since it was way past midnight and I hadn’t properly slept in more than twenty four hours. But most of all, I was growing impatient as the minutes went by, waiting for Jamie’s godfather to leave so I would enjoy some time with my Scot before sleeping for twelve hours straight. When they decided to pour each other another glass of whisky, I decided that my time with Jamie would have to wait. 

“Well, I’m sorry to go, but I’m exhausted.”

“It’s alright, I was just about to leave.” Murtagh smiled at me. “It was great to see ye again, Claire.”

“Yes. Good night.” I stood on my tiptoes to kiss Jamie who was standing behind the counter and walked upstairs to our room. I was still freezing after the snow bath, but the fire in the bedroom had almost burned down. I tried to give it some air and add more wood to keep it going. 

Once it was restarted, I walked to the giant bed and lay under the covers. I let out a satisfied sigh; it was probably the softest and most comfortable bed I’d ever been in. I forced myself to stay awake for a little while, hoping Murtagh was really about to leave, but gave up after almost twenty minutes. 

The bed shifted when Jamie came to lie next to me. I stirred, and turned to pulled him against my chest. He sighed, his hand resting on my back. “I’m sorry about that,” he whisperer, his breath soft against me. 

“Mmm…” I answered, still asleep. 

“I couldn’t throw him out, ye ken.”

“It’s fine… As long as the bear is gone.”

He chuckled. “That was…unexpected.” He started caressing my back until his hand slid down and grabbed my arse. 

“I’m tired,” I said, even though my body responded to his touch. 

“Ye dinna have to do anything.” He kissed my nose and turned me on my back. 

“But you’ll wake me up and then I won’t be able to fall back asleep, feeling too marvellous to find sleep.”

“Mmm.” He kissed me deeply. I wasn’t asleep anymore. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Afterward, I lay my head in the crook of Jamie’s neck and fell immediately asleep. 

***

“I think Mrs Bug came to prepare our breakfast,” I said, standing behind the counter, when I heard Jamie walking down the stairs. 

“Aye, I asked her to.” His hair was still wet from the shower, just like mine. He bent to kiss me and lightly slapped my butt while doing so. 

“Hey!” I said, squeezing the cheeks of his arse with my hands. “That’s not fair.” He kissed me again, deeply, until we had no more air in our lungs. “We’re acting like teenagers.” I smiled, putting a crepe on his plate. “There, eat. After last night you must be hungry,” I said sheepishly. 

“Aye,” he grinned and sat behind the counter in front of me. “How many rounds?” he asked with a lifted brow, drinking a sip of coffee. “Four?”

“Three,” I corrected. “The…” I felt my cheeks turn red at the memory of what we had done. “That doesn’t count like a round.”

“I’d say it does.” He crossed his arms across his chest. 

“Well, four then,” I said, my cheeks burning. He was looking at me with a smirk. He knew how he made me feel and he enjoyed it very much. 

“Well, if we’re not so sure about it, we can do it again and try to figure out if it counts like a round or not. In that case, would that make it the fifth round?”

I chuckled and threw the hand towel at him. “So? What is planned for today?”

He chewed a bit of his crepe before answering me. “Well, if ye wish I thought I’d show ye around the Ridge. We can go to the village, if ye want. And then spend the biggest part of the day upstairs. Or anywhere in the house - naked.”

I smirked, looking into his eyes. “That sounds interesting. As long as it doesn’t involve any bears.”

“Right, uh?” He smiled and took my hand in his. 

***

We spent the afternoon driving around the forest on Fraser’s Ridge. He showed me every house and told me everything about the people who used to live there. 

“My father was born here, ye ken?” he said, parking at the end of a road. We got off the car and he took my hand, walking us to an observation point. I could see miles away, falls and trees. It was a breathtaking sight. Birds were singing around us. I turned to look at Jamie and saw that he was staring at me with his mouth curled up. 

“I ken. When my ancestors saw that view, that’s when they decided to claim these lands.”

“How do you know so much about this?”

He chuckled and put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him. “My father. We spent all our summers here because it’s warmer than in Scotland. He was very proud of this place, ye ken. Actually, it is the first time I come here since he died.” 

I turned to see that tears were veiling his eyes. He never talked about his father’s death and I knew it was hurting him deeply. I wondered if he thought that not speaking about it would made it possible to forget that he would never see him again. 

“Jamie, I…” I started, but trailed off. He had told me about his brother when he had been ready to do, so I decided to give him time until he was ready to speak about his father, too. “I’m here.” I kissed him and he smiled. “I’m not pushing you to do anything, I know you… You don’t like to talk about these subjects and it’s fine, Jamie. But you’ll have to, one day, and I want you to know that you can talk to me.”

“I ken, mo nighean donn.” He kissed my forehead and smiled. “He would love ye so much, my father.”

“He would?” I answered, trying to slowly open this door to his heart.

“Oh, aye. Aye, a bonnie, tall lass, witty and smart. Who speaks all the time and defends her opinions, who’s not afraid of anything.” He smiled, putting his arms around me.  
***

We arrived at the small village just in time for dinner. I was surprised, even though I shouldn’t be, to see that everything was named Fraser. Fraser Bakery, Fraser Cleaner, Fraser vacuum, Fraser Donuts. Fraser were some of the names that caught my attention. 

“Are things less expensive for you here because you’re a Fraser?” I asked, looking out of the window.

“Nah… There are many Frasers here, Sassenach.”

We ate fish ‘n chips in a small restaurant by the river. It was a calm winter night and there were a few people in the restaurant, making us feel cozy and welcome.

“I really like it here,” I said, licking off some fat from my finger.

“Me too. And I like it even better wi’ you.”

I looked up to see him batting his eyes at me. I smirked. “You’re just trying to get into my pants, Fraser.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yes,” I said, placing my foot on top of his under the table. 

“Don’t play footsie wi’ yer wet boats, Sassenach.”

 

“Right,” I chuckled, feeling my cheeks turn red under the intensity of his gaze.

***

That night, I decided to wear my new nightgown for Jamie. He was waiting for me in the bedroom while I was trying to find a way to put it on with all the laces. 

“Are ye alright, Claire?” he shouted.

“Yes, give me a minute.” Once it was finally on, I ran my hands in my curls and looked in the mirror, my heart hammering in my chest. “Relax, Beauchamp,” I told myself. I didn’t know why I was nervous, after all it was only a pyjama, but I wanted to surprise him and make him want me, even if the bulge in his pants when we had made out against the front door on our way in told me I didn’t need a nightgown for him to want me.

I opened the door to the bathroom and walked to him. He was lying on the bed in his boxers, looking at the ceiling. He didn’t look at me until I called his name. His mouth fell open when he saw me standing by the bed. I tried to take a sexy pose, but knew it was probably more hilarous than sexy. A grin grew on his face, reaching his pink ears. 

“You like it?” I asked, playfully changing position.

“Aye. I do.” He sat by the bed and I walked to him. He put his hands on my hips and lifted his head to kiss me. “Can ye keep it on while we… uh…” he said, his cheeks turning pink.

Nodding, I straddled him and we kissed deeply, but it wasn’t long until I freed his throbbing cock from his boxers and sat on him with a sigh. We made love slowly, his hands caressing my body and his eyes never leaving mine. 

I woke up some time later in the night. Jamie was sleeping, his breath soft and steady, his mouth curled up. I smiled, kissed his nose and walked out of the room to the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of water and looked outside. It was dark and I couldn’t see much, only the wind making the trees dance in the night. Suddenly, I saw a silhouette in the window coming behind me. My heart stopped until I realized it was him. 

“Christ, you scared the shit out of me.” I said, turning around.

He ran a hand on his face and sat on the stool in front of the counter. “You woke me up,” he said. “I think I canna sleep wi’out ye now.”

“Well, you’ll have to get used to it.” I realized what I had said when the words were out of my mouth. I saw a shadow pass over his face. “I just mean that we’re not always together, when I work late and when you’re at your place.”

I had been thinking about us during the past weeks, about moving in with him, but we never talked about it, and not because of lack of trying. We both had our own apartments and I thought we should maybe start thinking about it if we were going to move in together, instead of renting a flat for nothing. Everytime I tried to talk about it, though, he always changed the subject and this made me feel that maybe he wasn’t ready for something serious or maybe he just didn’t want this to be that serious. 

“Jamie,” I started, but stopped immediately.

“What?” He took my hand from the counter and kissed my knuckles. “Something bothering you?”

“No, I… Forget it.” I smiled, but he could clearly see concern on my glass face. He raised a red eyebrow in my direction. “I just…” I shrugged and took a breath before saying it. “Where are we going?” 

He looked into my eyes and smiled. “To the bedroom.” He got up and I shook my head, following him upstairs, feeling my heart sink a bit in my chest.


	22. Heat Wave

After Jamie and I came back from North Carolina, we didn’t see each other much, since I was working a lot and he left for two weeks to go to Moldova for an article he had to write. 

I spent many nights and weekends working, missing birthday parties he wanted me to go with him, and when I came back home after a long day, I wished he would be there, and I wouldn’t fall asleep in front of the TV alone. Maybe I was more settled down and I needed something this relationship couldn’t offer. 

When we were together, though, I forgot all my worries.

“Your family doesn’t mind? That you’re so often gone?” I asked the afternoon he came back from Moldova. We were lazily lying naked in my bed, my hand caressing his scarred back. 

“I’m not gone that often, but I think they do. Uh… Fergus talked about it the other day. Actually, it was my mother who told me what he had told her…” I looked up to see he was blushing. I sat up, waiting for what he had to say. “I dinna ken if I should be telling you all o’ this, but… He dinna like that I spend so much time with you. I mean he feels disappointed that I spend more time wi’ you than with him.” 

“Oh…” I said, feeling my heart break for the little boy, but also feeling ashamed and egocentric that Jamie had spent more time with me than with his son. 

“I didna wish to trouble ye, Claire. Fergus loves ye verra much, dinna worry about it.” He sat and put a hand on mine. “I just… I dinna want him to believe I dinna love him anymore because I’m wi’ you.”

“I understand,” I said, swallowing. “Uh… So you plan on…?”

“Maybe we could spend more time at my place instead of here. Maybe ye can bring Adso, I’m sure my cat willna mind it.” His smile was so sweet that I couldn’t say no to him, but I still felt uneasy at the idea of intruding his family. I was used to leaving alone in the small bubble of my apartment. Yet, I found I secretly hoped for such an answer from Jamie.

“We could.” I smiled.

So for the next weeks, I spent most of my days and nights at Jamie’s and it turned out I loved living with his mother and Fergus. I missed my home, my garden and my privacy, but I thought that I’d get used to it. In any case, it wasn’t a permanent situation and I was free to go home whenever felt the need.

Jamie didn’t come at the hospital with me as often as he did before I moved in to his apartment. I missed him a lot, especially when an emergency would keep me there and I had to cancel our plans. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t have much of a choice.

One night I finished so late that I decided to return to my place. My flat was cold and felt empty after a weeks I spent at Jamie’s. It somehow always felt this way, when he was away, but now it was worse and I couldn’t imagine spending the night there alone.

I tried to make my way into Jamie’s flat in silence. I was walking to his bedroom on my tiptoes, when a voice almost made my heart stop.

“Jamie!” I whispered and he opened a light in the living room. “You scared the hell out of me.”

He was sitting on the couch, still wearing his jeans and a woolen sweater. He looked exhausted, with dark circles under his eyes. I walked to him and offering a hand to help him get up. 

“Fergus was sick today. His school called, because he had a tummy ache.” Frowning, I looked around to see if the boy was there. “He’s asleep now.”

“Do you want me to check on him?”

He shook his head. “Maybe tomorrow, I dinna want to wake him up now. It took a while for him to fall asleep because of the pain.”

“It sounds serious,” I said. “Did he throw up? Does he have fever?” 

“He threw up when he came home, but not after.”

I started asking Jamie questions about what Fergus had eaten the previous night or if he was often sick, but nothing rang a bell.

Fergus was better the next morning. His belly didn’t hurt as much as it did the night before, and he had a slight fever, but nothing alarming.. 

“It’s fine, Claire,” Fergus told me with a weak smile. “Last night at my friend’s house we ate sausages and I’m often sick after that.”

“Did you go to the toilet?” I asked, making him blush. He shook his head. “Look, I have to go to work, but if the pain comes back you call me or tell Jamie to do so. I don’t want you to take this lightly, okay?” He nodded and I ran a hand through his curls, making him smile. “It’s your chance now to have your father do everything for you and serve you like a king.” 

He chuckled and we both looked at Jamie who was now standing by the couch. “I heard that.”

They didn’t call me, but when I returned from the hospital the next morning Fergus’s face was contorted in pain. 

“Claire, you’re finally here,” Jamie said from the kitchen.

I walked to Fergus and put a hand on his forehead. “God, you’re boiling with fever.”

“My belly hurts,” he said to me, his eyes veiled with tears.

“Jamie, why didn’t you call me?”

“I told him not to. It wasn’t that bad before.”

“He hasna gone to the bathroom.” Jamie said, coming with a bowl of prunes. “And he threw up again.” He looked worried and even more tired than the night before. 

“Fergus,” I said, keeping my voice calm. “I think you should come to the hospital with me. We’ll just check and make sure everything is fine. It’s been almost three days now and it’s getting worse.”

The young boy shook his head, crossing his arms across his belly. “I don’t want to go!” he cried. 

“Fergus,” I said, but Jamie put a hand on my shoulder, interrupting me. 

“Look. Only Claire will touch you, Fergus. It willna take long, she’ll just run some tests and when it’s done, we’ll go rent that movie you’ve been talking about for weeks now. Okay?”

Jamie drove us to the hospital, Fergus sitting with his legs up against his chest, listening to his music. 

“His mother died at the hospital.” Jamie broke the silence. “During a surgery. I’m guessing that’s why he didn’t want to come.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” 

***

Geillis was surprised when she saw me walking into the A&E with Jamie and Fergus on a wheelchair. 

“Hey, I’d like to run a CT scan on him. He’s in abdominal pain, he had fever, constipation and he’s been vomiting. I’m worried he might have volvulus.”

“Alright,” she said, looking over my shoulder without asking questions.

I waited behind the window while Geillis ran the scan on Fergus and waited with her for the blood test results while Jamie was with his son outside. 

“Damn it,” I said. The CT scan clearly showed that the bowel was obstructed and twisted on itself. “I’ll tell Jamie.”

Fergus was asleep in a hospital bed and Jamie was sitting next to him, looking at the boy. “Hey,” I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. The light of the the day was shining on his tired face. “Will you come outside with me?” I asked in a low voice.

He got up and followed me out of the room. “So? What’s going on?”

“The tests showed that Fergus has a volvulus. Basically, it is an obstruction caused by the twist of the bowel on itself and it requires emergency surgery.” He stayed in silence for a moment, nodding. “We’ll be sending him to the children’s hospital for the operation and -”

“Wait. You mean you willna operate on him? I told him you were letting nobody else touch him.”

“I know, but I didn’t think he’d need surgery, Jamie!”

He nodded in silence, lost in his thoughts.

“Is it verra dangerous?”

“No, not if we act fast. It might get a bit more complicated if the intestine is injured but it’s not a dangerous procedure.” 

He nodded, tears veiling his eyes.“This is scaring the living daylights out of me.”

I put a reassuring hand on his arm. “Jamie, listen…”

“Don’t,” he looked up at me. “Don’t promise me he’ll be alright, unless you can save him and there are no chances that he dies,” he said, his voice shaking with emotions. “Because… Because I would never forgive you… Any more than I would ever forgive myself.”

It hit me then. The pressure of Fergus’ life, the regrets of not acting earlier, of not giving him the attention he deserved. I could not lose Fergus, because I would lose Jamie. 

I nodded and he left to go back into the room. I watched him leave, feeling suddenly nauseous. Tasting bile in my throat, I put a hand on my mouth and ran to the closest washroom. Before even closing the door behind me, I kneeled in front of the toilet and threw up. I felt tears streaming down my face as I emptied my stomach. “Oh, God,” I moan, spitting in the toilet before flushing and getting up. 

It suddenly felt hot in the room as I made my way to the sink to wash my hands and rinse my mouth. I had been awake for more than twenty four hours and I was starting to feel the fatigue in my body. 

“Lady Jane?” Looking up, I saw Joe staring at me from the doorframe, a worried look on his face. “Are you alright?” He came in, putting a kind hand on my shoulder.

“Yes, but feeling a bit dizzy. What are you doing here? It’s the ladies’ room.”

“No, it’s the men’s.” He smiled and I looked around to see it was in fact not the ladies’ bathroom. “You don’t look well,” he said, lifting a curl from my wet forehead. 

I told him everything that was going on with Fergus and what Jamie had just told me and I started crying like a baby. 

“I’m sorry.”

Joe took me in his arms and gently caressed my back, waiting for me to calm down. “I’m sure Jamie didn’t mean it. He’s probably stressed and saying things…”

“But he’s right. I should’ve noticed before that it was more than cramps because of his supper the previous night. I’m such a terrible doctor…”

Then he let go of me and took a step back. “Oh, no. You don’t start with this Claire Beauchamp. You are a great doctor that’s why you brought Fergus here today. The boy is gonna be alright.”

***

They operated on Fergus that night and I went at the children’s hospital with Jamie, but I didn’t feel welcome. 

His mother was waiting with him when I came with three tall coffees. “Thank ye deary,” Ellen said with a sad and tired smile, taking a long sip of the coffee.

Jamie thanked me, but didn’t look into my eyes. I knew he was worried and it wasn’t anything personal, but I couldn’t stop thinking that he was angry at me for not finding out earlier something was wrong with his son. 

“Do you have any news?” I asked, sitting next to him and putting a hand on his arm. 

“A doctor came an hour ago to say it was going on well.” He looked up at me, then. The circles under his bloodshot eyes were darker. His face seemed to relax when his eyes met mine. He smiled faintly and put his hand over mine. “Ye should go to sleep, Sassenach. Ye look like ye havena slept in years. I’ll call ye when the operation is done.”

I wanted to refuse and say I was going to say, but I didn’t have the strength in my body to do so. “Call me every hour and I’ll come if you need me.” He nodded and kissed me goodbye.

***

I don’t know how I made it to my car and how I was able to drive to Jamie’s place without falling asleep. Without bothering with a shower or eating, I threw myself into his bed and fell asleep before lying my head on the pillow.

My phone on the nightstand woke me up four hours later. I reached for it, running my hand on the smooth wooden surface until I found it. It was Jamie. I sat up like a bolt of lightning and answered. “He’s out of the OR. They were able to keep his bowel intact.”

I sighed, reassured by what he was telling me. If the doctors had to cut a part of Fergus’ intestine, his readaptation after the surgery would have been much more complicated and longer. “Good.”

“We’re going to wait until he wakes up. The doctors say it might take an hour.”

“How are you feeling?” I asked, lying back under the covers. It was cold in the room, even with Adso and Donas sleeping glued against me. 

He sighed and I heard him scratch his three days beard. “Relieved,” he said, his voice full of emotion that made my eyes tear up. “I was so afraid something was going to happen to him. And after what he told me… That he wished I spent more time wi’ him, I thought the pit in my stomach would swallow me alive.” He stayed silent for a moment and swallowed. “Claire… I’m sae sorry for what I told ye… I didna mean it.”

“I know,” I said. Of course I knew he was only stressed and tired when the words escaped his lips, but still, hearing him apologize for it felt like a wave of relief washing over me. 

He talked to me for a little while, telling me how exhausted he and his mother were when I felt it again. The taste of bile in the bottom of my throat. “I’m sorry to interrupt you, Jamie.” I said, getting up to the bathroom. “I have to go. I’ll meet you in the hospital in an hour.” I hung up just in time to throw up. I didn’t understand what was happening. I had thought that yesterday’s sickness was caused by the lack of sleep and the stress because of Fergus’ condition, but now I knew the boy was alright and I had slept four hours.

It can’t be, I thought. Jamie and I were always careful, using protection. Of course, there was always a chance it didn’t work, but still, I told myself it must be the accumulation of fatigue in the past weeks. I shook my head. It was impossible, I was probably just very tired.

After taking a shower, I jumped into new clothes and drove to the hospital. When Jamie saw me arrive, he got up from his chair, a bright smile on his face. He hugged me in the middle of the waiting room before I could say anything. His embrace was strong and I felt all the weight off my shoulders. Hugging him back, I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, breathing him in. “I’m glad ye came,” he whispered in my hair.

“Always.”


	23. The Writer Who Loved Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The end of the first fic I ever published. I'd like to say a big thank you to every person who has read, commented and liked this fic. It means so much to me, you have no idea. I hope you'll enjoy the chapter :*

Jamie was gone again. Maybe it was a good thing, considering the state I was in.

Every morning, I woke up feeling nauseous and spent the day drained of energy. I couldn’t function normally, so I finally bought a pregnancy test at the pharmacy and my whole world changed when I saw two little pink lines appear on it. 

I hadn’t told Jamie yet and felt terrible about it, but I couldn’t find the right time. I was sitting in a waiting room in a maternity clinic, reading a magazine about the benefits of yoga classes while pregnant. Joe knew a doctor at this clinic in the middle of downtown Glasgow and had scheduled an appointment with her for me. 

Jamie was in the United States, working on the publication of his next novel, and he wasn’t coming back for another week. He didn’t want to leave, especially after Fergus’ illness, but after I assured him that I was going to check on him along with his mother, he finally decided to leave for three weeks instead of four. 

I missed him deeply, but his absence was somehow a relief. He was only a few days away from leaving for his trip when I learned I was pregnant, and I hadn’t told him during the few hours we managed to spend together before he boarded for New York. When he kissed me goodbye and walked into the airport, I decided that as soon as he’d be back, I was going to tell him the news.

He would be happy, I knew that. Jamie loved children and he loved me. Even if the last weeks had been very busy for both of us, and although miscommunication had made me worry about our future together, I knew that he would see this baby as a blessing from God. Yet, I couldn’t help but think that maybe he wouldn’t want this baby, maybe he wouldn’t want me. He was very busy with his book and articles, and on top of that, he already had a son - a family to take care of. 

“Claire Beauchamp in room number five,” a voice in the intercom said.

Putting down the magazine on the table in front of me, I got up, took my bag, and walked to room five.

Doctor Beckett was a middle-aged woman with kind green eyes and I immediately felt at peace in her presence. She asked about my symptoms and did test after test to check the baby’s health. As a doctor, I was used to be around patients. Being kind and reassuring them was only natural to me, but now as I was in their shoes, I realized how good it felt to be considered as more than a file number. 

I knew everything she told me, but listening carefully to her calming voice eased the tension I felt since finding out I was pregnant. There was a baby growing inside of me, a baby the size of a sweet pea. I was going to give birth, I was going to be a mother. 

“You are about six weeks pregnant,” she said after finishing the ultrasound. 

Nodding, my mind tried to calculate when that baby was made. “That falls on Valentine’s Day,” she smiled, putting her glasses on top of her head.

“Oh,” I blushed. 

“Don’t worry, it’s not unusual.” She winked. “You will give birth to a wee Scorpio.”

I walked out of Doctor Beckett’s office feeling like I was on a cloud. My baby was supposed to arrive on November 7th, she had told me, and I wanted to write it down on the calendar in my kitchen and highlight it. I wanted to immediately go home and search on the internet for baby names and Pinterest for room decoration ideas. I wanted to drive to the supermarket and buy baby clothes. I wanted to do all of that with Jamie. It took every ounce of my self-control to not immediately call him, tell him the news, and make him jump on the first flight for Scotland. 

***

As Jamie had asked me, I went to sleep in his flat that night. He wanted me to check on Fergus as often as possible — and after what had happened, I didn’t want to fail one more time. Even if he had told me numerous times that it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t help but blame myself for not finding out about his son’s illness before. If I had found out earlier, he wouldn’t have suffered for so long. The boy didn’t seem to hold me responsible for it, though. When I opened the door to Jamie’s flat, he came running to hug me. “Oh, hi,” I couldn’t help but laugh when he hugged me tight. “How are you doing, Fergus?” I ran a hand through his curls and he looked up at me, his chin resting on my belly.

“I’m fine. And you?”

My smile grew wider on my face. “I’m very well.” I wanted to tell him the news. You will be a brother. But I couldn’t just yet. 

“Claire! There ye are!” Ellen called from the kitchen. “I’m cooking your mother’s Ratatouille recipe.”

Ratatouille. A smile grew on my face as I walked to her, taking my coat off. “It smells wonderful, Ellen.”

“Well, I hope it’ll be! I wouldn’t want to insult Julia Beauchamp!” I had brought some of my kitchen books to Jamie’s flat and Ellen had tried many recipes from them, worshipping my mother’s culinary instincts. “Fergus, why don’t you go put the plates on the table?” she asked him.

“Yes, grandma!” he said and ran to the kitchen.

“Slower,” she ordered him, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

I looked at the meal cooking and smiled, imagining my mother doing this recipe on a lazy Sunday afternoon. 

“Can I go to my room now?” Fergus asked once we were done eating. 

“Yes, bring back your plate with you,” she said, sipping her wine as he walked past her. When he closed the door to his room, a silence fell. I was lost in my head, thinking about the baby. My baby.

“So? Did you enjoy the meal? I hope yer mother would be proud.” 

“She would,” I smiled. 

My mother. How much I missed her, especially after today. I wished she could have come with me to my appointment with Doctor Beckett. I wished she was there with me, talking about the baby and making all kinds of plans. She would be so happy to be a grandmother. I didn’t know much about her, but I did know that.

“I hope it was filling enough. Especially when ye’re eating for two.”

Freezing, I looked up at her. Her piercing grey eyes —slanted like her son’s — were looking straight at me, suspicious. 

Mouth opened, I didn’t know what to say, no words coming to my mind. 

“I saw ye today, Claire. At the clinic. A part of me told me that ye were not working.” Her words were not cold, they were simply true. 

I was afraid for her to find out, but now that she had said the words, I felt a weight off my shoulders. Letting out a heavy sigh, I closed my eyes, feeling them water up. Getting up, she came to sit next to me, putting a hand on my arm. 

“How far are ye?”

“Six weeks,” I said in a weak voice, searching her eyes for something — but once again, just like Jamie, I couldn’t read anything on her face. “I haven’t told Jamie yet.”

When I said the words out loud, it made me realize what I had done. Hiding the truth from Jamie for almost three weeks. Yes, he was across the world working, but I still should’ve told him. It was his baby too, and I had no right to hide it from him. 

I started to sob uncontrollably. “Oh, dearie,” Ellen said, taking me in her arms. I cried for a while, feeling ashamed by my secret, but also relieved to be held by the mother I never had. 

“I’m sorry,” I said, sitting up and taking a long sip of water. 

“The hormones?” she smiled kindly, and I couldn’t help but do the same. 

“Probably.”

She gently put my hair behind my ear. “Are ye going to tell James soon?”

I shrugged, feeling a weight on my chest at the idea of telling him. “I don’t know.”

“Are ye scared of telling him?”

I looked up at her, my vision blurred with tears. “Yes. I know Jamie… but we haven’t been together for long and… what if he’s not ready? What if he doesn’t have room for a baby right now? I don’t want him to stay with me just because he has an obligation.”

“Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp! I will pretend that it is the hormones speaking, because you are talking like a fool!” Her voice was kind, telling me the things I badly needed to hear. “My son loves you. Very, very much. He’ll never be too busy for you or a child. Never.”

The corners of my mouth curled up, making my heart vibrate with joy and relief. “You’re right. It’s just… the past few weeks have been difficult. I think we’re not on the same wavelength about certain things.”

She rolled her eyes dramatically, something that wasn’t out of character for her. “Good Lord! Young people are so complicated.” She let out a deep sigh. “Look, he asked me just before leaving if it was bothering me if ye moved in wi’ us. I said I didn’t mind, that on the contrary, it would make me happy. Then he asked me if I would mind if he moved in wi’ ye, if ye didn’t want to live here.”

“He hasn’t…” I couldn’t believe it. “What a fool!” I exclaimed. 

“Aye! I ken! Leave his old mother alone in a big flat like this one!” 

Looking up at her, I couldn’t help but burst into laughter. She smiled and put a serious hand on my cheek. “James is ready for more.”

***

When Jamie came back from New York, I asked him to come to my flat. We were going to need privacy and avoid any risk of interrupted when I told him the news. 

He had the excitement of a nine-year-old on a sugar rush when he entered my flat. Jet lag had no apparent effect on him, his eyes wild with joy, and he didn't stop talking about everything that had happened over the past few weeks. 

He kissed me deeply, holding me in his arms with a sigh. “I’m sae glad to be home.” He pulled back and looked at me. “I want to show you something.” He kissed my forehead and walked to his bag. 

I managed to smile, truly happy to see him after all these weeks, but feeling a weight in my stomach, a mix of nervousness and excitement. It was the last time Jamie was leaving for a while and I didn’t think I could see him go again. 

“It’s no’ much, but..” he trailed off, coming with a black box. “A wee gift… don’t be disappointed.”

Sitting on the couch, I put the box on my knees and opened it. It was a book. I knew it before even opening it, but I couldn’t wait to see what this book would look like. Jamie didn’t want me to know anything until it got published. He had made me read some drafts, but I didn’t even know the title.

The Writer Who Loved Me.

It was a beautiful book. A hardcover, with blue forget-me-nots drawn under his name - or at least Louise de Latour’s- written in capital letters. 

“It’s lovely,” I looked up to see him looking back at me with the kindest eyes. 

“Open it,” he said softly, his hand caressing my knee. The corner of his mouth curled up as he pointed the book with his chin. 

I did as he told me to and opened to the dedication page. 

Every writer needs inspiration. And I found mine. Always.

A smile spread on my face and tears veiled my eyes. 

“Do you love it?” he asked, searching my face for an answer.

“I do,” I said, putting the book next to me and surprising him with a deep kiss. He kissed me back, closing his arms around me. After a moment, he pulled back, breathless. 

“I meant you, just to be sure—”

“I hope so,” I answered before kissing him back.

***

The Writer Who Loved Me tells the story of Elizabeth Moriston living in Inverness after World War II. She owns a small bookstore in the city where one day, a popular writer comes in and immediately falls in love with her and their conversations about books. He rents one of the two rooms on the second floor of the bookstore where he writes stories about her. 

“Every morning, when he entered the store to the familiar smell of mint and old ink in the air, he thought that moving to Inverness, leaving his past life behind him, was the best decision he could ever have made,” Jamie read out loud. We were laying in bed, naked, limbs lazily intertwined. My head was resting on his chest, listening to the steady beating of his heart as he read. “He was still young. There were thousands of places he could be: Paris, Boston, London, but he had ended here. In a small town, in a small bookstore, where he wrote on a small table by the window. He pretended the window was the best place where he could write, because he could look outside, feel the sun caress his face after lunch time, and have light to work.These were only excuses, though. He didn’t care about anything that was happening outside of this bookstore. He didn’t need the sun when she was standing just in front of him. The reason why he had chosen this place was that this way, he could always watch her work. He needed to watch her if he wanted to get the details right. He was afraid that if he looked away — even just for a second — she would simply disappear, like everything that had belonged to him before the war. He was afraid that if he looked away, he would forget her. Even if for just a few seconds, he couldn’t bear the thought of it.”

He still remembered the first time he saw her. The rebellious brown curls flying around her head, the light shining in her soft, beautiful whisky eyes. Her lips, pink and luscious, begging him to kiss her. She had smiled at him. For the first time in months — if not years — he felt seen. He found himself smiling back, something he hadn’t done in a while. At that moment, when the corners of her mouth curled up, he knew she had cast a spell on him and that he could never leave her. Or, at least, not without being haunted by her voice until his heart stopped beating. And even then…”

 

I couldn’t help but burst out in laughter. “You really wrote that?”

He blushed and shrugged. “Well… I wasn’t very fond of it, but my editor thought it was great. ‘Tis true, though,” he smirked, caressing my cheek with his hand before kissing me.

“Alright, Casanova, keep reading.”

He grunted and continued. “He didn’t know how she did it, but she managed to make him smile every single day. She even made him question himself about how it was possible that he spent so much time without doing it. The butterflies in his stomach, his sweaty palms, his heart beating so fast he was afraid it would jump out of his chest. Every day he knew it. He wanted to spend the rest of his days around her.”

Jamie looked down, feeling my eyes on him. My vision was blurred with tears. “Do you really think that?” My voice was hoarse when I spoke.

“Of course I do. I love you, Claire. Oh, dinna cry, mo chridhe,” he said, kissing the tear that was strolling down on my cheek. 

I sat up, putting the plaid around my naked shoulders. “Jamie… there’s something I have to tell you.” I took a deep breath and said the words. “I’m pregnant.” 

A wave of surprise appeared on his face — probably like it had on me — before turning into a big smile. “That’s… I dinna ken what to say,” he sat up, putting a hand on my leg. “It’s… wonderful! Are you not happy?”

“I am,’” I smiled and he took me in his arms, holding me tightly and he laughed, a beautiful sound filling the room. “I was so afraid you wouldn’t… you wouldn’t be happy.”

“How could I no’ be happy, Claire? This is the most beautiful news I have ever heard,” he smiled, tears veiling his eyes. 

I couldn’t help but smile, feeling a weight off my shoulders. We were going to be a family. “I thought… after I tried to talk to you about moving in, you didn’t sound like you wanted to…”

“I do, Claire. I always did.” He kissed me deeply, falling on his back and bringing me on top of him. 

“Jamie,” I pulled back, looking at him in the eyes. “Your mother knows. She saw me at the maternity clinic.”

He smiled widely, running a hand in my curls. “What did she say? Was she happy?”

“She was.” I kissed him, feeling his strong arms wrap around me. “Jamie,” I said again, “I want to move in with you. I want to be a part of your family.”

“Ye already are,” he smiled. “My mother, Fergus, you, and now the bairn are all that matters to me. Always.”

The end


End file.
